Assertiveness technique...

[Catastrophic]

So I am not assertive - there are a few times I can be but 95% of time I am not.

I am in counselling, and we're currently going through the assertive techniques - and it ends up with me in a bit of a panic! My heart starts to race and I feel overwhelmed...

Even the simple situations I couldn't answer because I had no idea how to ASSERTIVELY act in them...

So can you girls help - I have huge problems with self confidence/self esteem. Bit I'm trying to turn that around.

A few of the scenarios were

:"what would you do if you were at the movies and people were talking behind you" - my response was nothing because I don't handle conflict....

;"neighbour next door has stero on to loud" again I would do nothing because of conflict

"Your friend is on the phone with problems but you really must go" again I would probably stay on the line so not to make we feel bad.

Te thought of being assertive scares the crap out of me, but it's something I do need to learn. Can you girls help?!?

[Amity]

Empower yourself. Make it about you and how you feel.

Please stop talking in the cinema because I feel like I can't hear the movie and its very distracting.

Please turn the music down because when it's so loud I worry that I won't be able to sleep and my kids will wake up. I am also concerned that someone will call the police and you'll get in trouble. I wouldn't wish that on you.

Can't remember what the third one was!

[Tinks]

In the case of the firend on the phone, I would say "I have to go now because I'm going to be late for an appointment (or whatever you're late for) but I'll ring you as soon as I get home" and I would schedule in time to sit and have a lengthy conversation with no interruptions.

I'm not the type of person to demand people to be quiet in the movies or bash on the neighbour's door to demand they turn their music down. I think you can still be assertive and get what you want in the nicest possible way.

[Catastrophic]

Divvy - That's what I have problems with I worry more about what other people would feel then how I feel. I have bottled up my feelings for so long so that other peoples feelings don't get hurt - thinking that I was doing the right thing as a friend/partner/child etc, but in the process has lost me completly.

Tinks - part of being assertive is letting people know in a respectful manner (not the banging on doors being a douche :P)

[LimeSlice]

Hmm.. What are you scared of? What about asserting your idea makes you feel scared? What is it making you nervous about doing it? Specifically. Not broad "I have low self-esteem" but real specifics...

I would probably address those things. Then I would ask myself why I feel that my feelings/thoughts/values/opinions in a given situation are worth less than someone else's? You have a right to hear the movie you paid money to attend. There are social conventions with govern that theatre, and buying a ticket and walking in an accepting of those conventions. The person behind you is contravening those conventions and wasting your time and money. They may or may not be aware they are being inconsiderate, but if they walked up to you in the street and took $20 out of your purse and stuffed ear plugs in your ears, would you still stand by and let them?
Maybe the more you rationalise it, the easier it will become?
Would you - do you - have trouble asserting your physical rights too, or is it just socially awkward situations? Would you hesitate to be assertive for your children?

You are right - you don't have to be a douchebag to be assertive. There is a difference between assertive and confrontational...Assert simply means to put forth with confidence.

I'm glad you are seeing someone and finding it helpful. Took me a long time to learn to be assertive, and I did it through work. I faked it until I made it... Every time I put my uniform on, I assumed the character of one of those awesomely confident people and eventually I wasn't pretending. Maybe something you could try?

[ll80]

I recommend buying the book "When I say no, I feel guilty by Manuel J Smith"

I've found it invaluable. It's really helped me gain some self confidence and realise that by not being assertive I am only hurting myself.
It gives a lot of techniques and examples of conversations which I've found great.

[Catastrophic]

What about asserting your idea makes you feel scared? What is it making you nervous about doing it?

The conflict it might cause, making other people feel bad/upset. Mainly the conflict, I hide away from it and don't deal with it very well. The conflict I have dealt with generally had a lot of negative impact on me so i have just now shut down I guess you could say? The thought of me doing it (like in the counselling sessions) just made me freak out.

I can be assertive sometimes - Like when it comes to my kids, or when I have my uniform on and with the patients - but not with other collegues.


LL80 Will have a look for that book.

[~Hestia~]

I have been shy and fearful all my life. I have let people get away with making me feel negatively and stewed about situations for far too long. I was always more worried about how other people felt and what they thought of me, than what I felt.

So I know how you feel. The thought of doing it differently was so far beyond what I thought I was capable of. But I got to a point where I just didn't want to be like that anymore, didn't want to be scared anymore. I worried about where it would end, what if I needed to stand up for one of my sons sometime and I couldn't? Like Divvy said I took my power back. Why shouldn't I be heard? Why shouldn't I get what I want sometimes?

I challenged myself to say something different, say no...and to my surprise I was heard and no one cared or got upset with me! It was very empowering! Now only a few short weeks later I can't even put my finger on what I was even scared of. It's been a huge relief.