I can only hold a grudge if someone has given me a seriously big reason to basically hate them. I don't hate many people, and most of the people I hate are the obvious, war criminals and alike. I have a huge grudge against my old boss from Anaconda, because if she had've been doing her job properly, the last 13months of my life wouldn't have been the daily struggle they have been. I wouldn't have been prescribed medication to deal with stress, and I wouldn't be unemployed.
She cut my hours to 0 or would constantly roster me on days that EVERYBODY knew I couldn't work because it was on the availability sheet in the break room. Then when I'd remind her she would simply remove the shift and not give me any others to replace it. After a while I'd just not go to uni, or whatever else I had on because I needed the money so badly. The other staff felt so bad for me they would give me their hours. Whats more is nobody even knows why, to this day. She has done it to a few people now, about 8 of us, and the only thing the other staff can come up with is that she simply didn't like us. If thats the case, I'm sorry but be and adult and speak to me about it. I used to go out of my way for her, and for my customers, I'd stay back after work and not claim it on my time sheet, I'd drive to other stores to get items customers needed urgently - on my own time and once even on Boxing day of all days! - and never ask for anything in return accept gratitude from the customer, which I always got. I was a damn good employee, no complaints against me, the state manager even came across me in the store one day and told me how impressed he was with how neat and orderly my section was, and how well I was dealing with my customers. She cut my hours until it had been 2 months since I'd last worked. My name wasn't even on the roster anymore. I tried to ask her about it and she avoided me multiple times. When I finally did catch her, she was like "Do you even work here anymore? I thought I made my point clear when I removed you from the roster." That was news to me - I'd been fired and nobody even bothered to tell me. Since then I've had trouble finding a job anywhere. If she hadn't have done that, if she had've talked to me, or just put up with our apparent personal differences, I could have simply transferred to the Townsville store when we moved, and my life wouldn't be the constant struggle it is now. DH and I wouldn't have had to go some nights without dinner, or forgo going to the doctor, or be stuck in the house because we can't afford to put petrol in the car. I'm coming close to thinking she seriously ruined my working life and for what? I don't even know, she wont even speak to me about it.
That's the only grudge I have and I think its justified, I think some grudges are. If she would just help me understand it though, give me some closure - and stop saying bad things about me to other Anaconda employees (or so I've heard) - I know I could let it go. If I had the money I would take her to court, but because of her crippling my income, I can't do that, but whats more I shouldn't have to. I guess some grudges are justified, but the people who follow the guy home who cut them off 2 streets ago, or hate someone because back in year 8 they "stole" some boy from you, thats just silly. If its something that has drastically altered the course of your life, if you were bullied to the point you developed a mental illness for example, I could understand a grudge like that, but even then all one really needs to get over it is closure.
For me, refusal to forgive someone is not the same thing as holding a grudge. Holding a grudge entails expending the effort to do something about it, holding onto the poison and anger rather than moving on with life. Refusing to forgive however, is to me saying that what he did will never be ok. That he has forfeited his right to have a relationship with me or to play any part in my life.
My father abused me as a child for a number of years, sexually and emotionally. For years I was made to feel stupid, bad, hopeless and worthless. Like it was my fault, or that I asked for it. So for me to say that my revenge is to live well it is more saying I am not going to internalise those messages, I am not going to believe that I am those things. I am going to prove to myself that I am worth something, that I am a good person and deserve to be happy.
I don't believe that anger is necessarily a negative emotion. Poisonous, destructive anger is, but there is also positive anger. Being angry about something and taking definite action to right something that is wrong can be a very positive thing. It can bring massive but necessary change. Finally being able to feel anger at what had happened for me led to being able to finally lay the blame where it belonged, instead of blaming myself and everyone else around me. It led to my saying no, I am not going to sit by and allow him to do this to anyone else.
And now that the criminal case is done with and finished, I can let go of that intense anger. But not forgive.
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