Do you have expectations for your children?

[Epacris]

I'm putting this in here because I think this is the right place for it (and I feel like I'm a bit weird).

Just from reading people's threads around here, over the time that I've been here, I have been gradually becoming aware of the expectations that people have for their children. Things like activities they will be involved with and milestones in their life. For example, sending them to ballet/karate class, going to their wedding, becoming a grandparent.

Slowly I have realised that I have absolutely no expectations for my children. I really feel like I can't assume anything about them, I have no idea who they are and what they will want to do with their lives. They might hate ballet/karate, they might not want to get married or they might be gay (and live in a place where gay marriage is not supported), they might not want to have children of their own.

Sometimes I even find it hard to wish things for my children. Like I feel like I can't even wish they were happy. Because happiness is theirs to find for themselves, not for me to cast upon them, bestowed happiness is not real anyway, it has to come from within.

Do I sound completely, utterly bizarre? I feel like I do.

Don't get me wrong, I love and cherish my children with all my heart and soul and of course I personally wish for them a successful, productive and happy life, and I will do everything I possily can to give them the skills to achieve that. But that's where it ends for me.... the rest is up to them?

I am also thoroughly enjoying the ride, gradually finding out about them and who they are. I'm already in love with them but it's like falling in love with them over and over again as they grow and change. I feel like any undue imposition from me will stifle that. I just wouldn't dare assume anything about them. How could I know?

Any comments?

[~Kaz~]

I don't think you're strange. I feel pretty much exactly the same way. I feel very excited about getting to know DS as he grows and develops. I wonder what he will be like at 1yr, 5yrs, 7yrs, 13yrs, 18 yrs old. I don't think I have many expectations of him at all in the sense you are talking about. I do kind of expect that he will be a 'good' person according to my definition of good (care about himself and others, not intentionally hurt people, be generous etc etc) but that's because I plan to try and instill those qualities and values in him. My expectations of him I guess are all intangible things - inner qualities that have nothing to do with personality or things like introversion/extroversion.

I actually get a bit annoyed when I hear others express their expectations of him - that he'll be good at sport or intelligent or become a doctor and I have always responded that as long as he is following his heart and he is happy without harming others I don't care what he does.

You're not strange (or at least, if you are, there's two of us ).

ETA - I don't think I "expect" him to be happy - I do hope that he finds in life and in himself reasons to be happy though.

[fionas]

Oooooooh, this is an interesting one.

Because I always felt like I had nothing in common with my family because I was a bit of a brainiac, I have always sought out 'smart' people and used to think that if someone wasn't smart, witty and/or academic that I wouldn't spend time with them. Really, it was because I was lonely as a kid and that was the key quality that I was seeking.

That's an attitude I didn't really kick until my mid-thirties so if you'd asked me any earlier than that I would have said that I'd hoped my kid would be smart.

Luckily I had DD late in life!

I guess now I have a much different view of life and what qualities are meaningful/important. Education/qualifications mean much less to me than they once did and I'm more interested in warmth, kindness and deriving enjoyment out of life.

Being a fairly shy person, however, I can't help but think that being outgoing makes life somewhat smoother and DD has that in bucket loads. She's also a little girl who gets great enjoyment out of life. I guess I would love her to carry on being like that and those are my expectations.

To a certain extent, I am trying to live my life through DD. She seems to have qualities that are sorely lacking in me which I think have made my life less fulfilled than it would otherwise be. But I am very conscious of this and am aiming to work on my 'issues' so that I don't put pressure on DD to have the life I could have had.

Hope that makes sense!

[Lolli]

Interetsting thread rach

I ahve expectations of myself, more than ofmy kids. I hope I can teach them to be good people, to be kind, to think of others, to stand up for themsleves and know themselves well. If i can show them those things, and they take them, I will be happy.

But I don't have expectations of them. If they choose to do all or none of those things, then that is theri choice. it's been an impotant thing for me to realise that my children are completley seperate entities to me, as much as they feel like an extension of myself. If I can be proud of myself as a parent, then that is my victory, but the choices my children make, the things they believe, the way they lead their life, is their own choice and experience.

Does that make sense? i know what I mean, but i'm having trouble getting it out.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I am looking forward to grandchildren... but I don't want to impose children on DS. I want to either have more children or just steal grandchildren from families near me with no family nearby to rely on.

I do want things for DS. I want him to enjoy his life, be comfortable with himself and like himself. I enjoy his company and hope he enjoys mine - and he will do when he's older. DS loves playing hair and make-up or cooking as much as with trains... he's happy so I'm happy. He can be a hairdresser when he grows up or a stationmaster (his top two career choices atm). So long as he is content and enjoying life, how can you want more for your child?

I suppose it would be nice for him to be really clever and handsome and kind... but maximising the intelligence is fostered by the parents, good looks come more from good deeds and kindness, and manners and consideration are taught from a young age... so I suppose I'll geet my wish just by being a part of DS's life. Can't change that. The only thing I wouldn't change is DS.

[blackduckies]

I hope I can be a good enough mummy to help them achieve their goals and wants in life, it is really difficult and I have come to realize that a lot of the things you would hope for your children may not eventuate....so now i hope they are happy and kind people, we personally do things to encourage these behaviours (keeping them socially active, playgroup, mums group and as they start school sports etc, we won't be forcing them to do anything but we would like them to try things at least a couple of times??).

It all depends on your childs personality/nature I reckon. I have 2 girls who are reserved and shy, they would like a really close friend, they don't want a group of friends...thats hard because they get hurt a lot !!!! i constantly worry that they will struggle to be happy because of how easily they are affected by everyday things. Also a boy and another baby girl who are very sociable...my son will play happily with a group of people he is funny and well liked, which makes me happy. the baby will have to wait and see, at this point she seems funny and happy and plays well with others.

So basically a long way from where I started..I had a long list of things, not so much expected but aimed for!!!!but it's all good because it means I have grown.

[Gigi]

new lives ARE a mystery.

i think people are so drawn to nbs and kids BECAUSE they are "a blank slate" (tabula rasa? is that the right phrase?), brimming with possibilities.

when people say stuff "X will be a doctor when X grows up", sometimes i think, that is just adults waffling on, nothing to do with the child, just adults wanting something to say. So i take that with a pinch of salt.

i'm more worried about writing on t-shirt "it's all about me" pigeonholing expectations of children.

it would be nice to give bilby the opportunity to try out ballet and other hobbies, i doubt that will happen ($$$), but even if we had the money, there's no guarantee she would like ballet or any other hobby. but i would still love her to TRY these things out for herself.

How we are, as adults, does affect our children. i have no family, so bilby will have very lonely xmases for example (god, do i have the guilts about that big time let me tell you).

bilby just turned 3, and last week, at a public pool, about 6 metres from me, i caught her collecting a ball and returning it to a one year old bub (unknown to us), who had lost his ball. that warmed my heart, a random act of kindness, unprompted by me.

i worry most about her financial future, how much uni will cost by the time she's at that age. Assuming she gets the marks to get into uni, and wants to go.

but you're right, it's all such an "unknown". bilby has just really started to "show herself" with wilfulness and being very determined about certain things - turning three will do that i suppose. So i feel like i'm getting to know her all over again in some ways. As she starts saying more words, i get more of an insight into her world.

i don't think your sentiments are weird at all Ecapris.

[Roryrory]

To quote Kahill Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

It wasn't until reading this the other day that I realise how much of it I have taken on in my parenting. Call me hands-off, call me lazy, call me uniterested - I dunno. But I see them as separate from me and always have, from the time they were newborns. I never had that "we are one" feeling - they were always apart from me. I was relaying a story about how cute they are at the moment and a woman I work with asked me if I felt I miss out on them by working so much. I answered "no" - they are still living their lives, whether I am there or not. I will not always be there. They exist, and this mere fact gives me joy. I don't need to share their every moment to be their mother and to love them.

I think it is actually a good thing to hold the views you do. You are allowing your children to find out who they are, are there as a sounding board and a "soft place to land" when they need you. Personally, I think the best way to let someone have an full life is to also have your own.