Do you have expectations for your children?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I am looking forward to grandchildren... but I don't want to impose children on DS. I want to either have more children or just steal grandchildren from families near me with no family nearby to rely on.

I do want things for DS. I want him to enjoy his life, be comfortable with himself and like himself. I enjoy his company and hope he enjoys mine - and he will do when he's older. DS loves playing hair and make-up or cooking as much as with trains... he's happy so I'm happy. He can be a hairdresser when he grows up or a stationmaster (his top two career choices atm). So long as he is content and enjoying life, how can you want more for your child?

I suppose it would be nice for him to be really clever and handsome and kind... but maximising the intelligence is fostered by the parents, good looks come more from good deeds and kindness, and manners and consideration are taught from a young age... so I suppose I'll geet my wish just by being a part of DS's life. Can't change that. The only thing I wouldn't change is DS.

[blackduckies]

I hope I can be a good enough mummy to help them achieve their goals and wants in life, it is really difficult and I have come to realize that a lot of the things you would hope for your children may not eventuate....so now i hope they are happy and kind people, we personally do things to encourage these behaviours (keeping them socially active, playgroup, mums group and as they start school sports etc, we won't be forcing them to do anything but we would like them to try things at least a couple of times??).

It all depends on your childs personality/nature I reckon. I have 2 girls who are reserved and shy, they would like a really close friend, they don't want a group of friends...thats hard because they get hurt a lot !!!! i constantly worry that they will struggle to be happy because of how easily they are affected by everyday things. Also a boy and another baby girl who are very sociable...my son will play happily with a group of people he is funny and well liked, which makes me happy. the baby will have to wait and see, at this point she seems funny and happy and plays well with others.

So basically a long way from where I started..I had a long list of things, not so much expected but aimed for!!!!but it's all good because it means I have grown.

[Gigi]

new lives ARE a mystery.

i think people are so drawn to nbs and kids BECAUSE they are "a blank slate" (tabula rasa? is that the right phrase?), brimming with possibilities.

when people say stuff "X will be a doctor when X grows up", sometimes i think, that is just adults waffling on, nothing to do with the child, just adults wanting something to say. So i take that with a pinch of salt.

i'm more worried about writing on t-shirt "it's all about me" pigeonholing expectations of children.

it would be nice to give bilby the opportunity to try out ballet and other hobbies, i doubt that will happen ($$$), but even if we had the money, there's no guarantee she would like ballet or any other hobby. but i would still love her to TRY these things out for herself.

How we are, as adults, does affect our children. i have no family, so bilby will have very lonely xmases for example (god, do i have the guilts about that big time let me tell you).

bilby just turned 3, and last week, at a public pool, about 6 metres from me, i caught her collecting a ball and returning it to a one year old bub (unknown to us), who had lost his ball. that warmed my heart, a random act of kindness, unprompted by me.

i worry most about her financial future, how much uni will cost by the time she's at that age. Assuming she gets the marks to get into uni, and wants to go.

but you're right, it's all such an "unknown". bilby has just really started to "show herself" with wilfulness and being very determined about certain things - turning three will do that i suppose. So i feel like i'm getting to know her all over again in some ways. As she starts saying more words, i get more of an insight into her world.

i don't think your sentiments are weird at all Ecapris.

[Roryrory]

To quote Kahill Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

It wasn't until reading this the other day that I realise how much of it I have taken on in my parenting. Call me hands-off, call me lazy, call me uniterested - I dunno. But I see them as separate from me and always have, from the time they were newborns. I never had that "we are one" feeling - they were always apart from me. I was relaying a story about how cute they are at the moment and a woman I work with asked me if I felt I miss out on them by working so much. I answered "no" - they are still living their lives, whether I am there or not. I will not always be there. They exist, and this mere fact gives me joy. I don't need to share their every moment to be their mother and to love them.

I think it is actually a good thing to hold the views you do. You are allowing your children to find out who they are, are there as a sounding board and a "soft place to land" when they need you. Personally, I think the best way to let someone have an full life is to also have your own.

[Epacris]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me.

Yes Gigi, it particularly irks me when people say "Oh yes, he will be a _____ (inset: doctor/lawyer/footy star) when he grows up". It drives me nuts. I used to say, "Grrrr.... he'll be what ever he wants to be". But yes you are right, it's about them (the person making the comment), not the child.

Rory, so much of what you said rings true for me too.

Call me hands-off, call me lazy, call me uninterested - I dunno.

I have often thought that about you (and me)

I think it is actually a good thing to hold the views you do. You are allowing your children to find out who they are, are there as a sounding board and a "soft place to land" when they need you. Personally, I think the best way to let someone have an full life is to also have your own.

Aww, thank you and yes, I am certainly modeling that behavior (having a life) myself too.

[suse]

Rachel & Rory, I'm happy to think of myself as also being a hands-off, lazy and disinterested parent if it means I am in company with you two LOL.

I don't think sentiments such as these are strange at all. My son (and any future child/ren that may come after) is his own person. I have hopes that his life will be fulfilling and happy, but I wouldn't presume to have an expectation of what those values will mean to him. I will support him in his endeavours, whatever they may be, but I don't think that doing this to the extent that my own existence is subjugated is likely to be of any help to him.

I come from a small, close knit family which is intensely family oriented. To the extent that I suspect that a large part of my mum's intrinsic happiness is derived from doing things for the family, sometimes to the detriment of her own well-being. And whilst I love them dearly, and enjoy having a close relationship with them, I am somewhat of the anomaly in this tight family group in that I can also quite comfortably and happily live independently of them.

My mum always encouraged me in a way that she believed was unconditional, but her own perception of responsibility to family coloured this somewhat, and influenced by my knowledge of how it would affect my family (albeit by my own choice) I live less independently that what I would probably like. I would hope that even if his life choices result in him living independently of me and we do not have the type of relationship I would enjoy, I can still be genuinely and unconditionally supportive.

[thepixie]

Rach I've been pondering this but my thoughts are still unformed so I'll come back to it.... after the weekend
One thing that drives me nuts though is that living in Sydney people have been putting their babies on school waiting lists from birth. FROM BIRTH!!! How the hell is that about the child? It's only about what the parents think about themselves and how they want people to see them. anyway that's my quick rant, I'll come back with something sensible later :O

[Fleur]

Argh I should be going to bed but this is so interesting...

When you talk about expectations, do you mean your wants for them, or what you see of them & what direction you think they might take?

We have no expectations (in the sense of wanting) for our kids - other than, I will be overjoyed if they manage to have somewhat happy, fulfilled lives. DH has told DS1 that if he wants to be a garbo, or a doctor, or a lawnmower guy, or a footy player....it's all the same to us - as long as he is happy.
Don't care if they are gay or straight, get married or not, have children or don't (although I do have a secret longing for grandkids & if I don't get any of my own I will have to beg, borrow or steal some as per Lady Zaidie ).
Anything goes if they are happy...it's will be enough for me if we produce happy, semi-well-adjusted adults I don't care about the rest.

Expectations based on what we see...well, yes.
I don't expect them to hold, you know, I also expect that they might change as they grow, and I realise they change & develop, but IMO one of the most fascinating things is to see their individual personalities growing & developing & I love to imagine what they might be like when they are older.
For example DD1 is quite creative & ATM enjoying photography, she loves fashion but in a very creative way, music, design etc. We have often said we wouldn't be surprised if she ends up doing something with a creative/ design bent. I can see her spreading her wings a bit too & travelling.
The kids do it too...DD1 often wonders what her brothers will look like & be like when they grow up.
But this is all based on what we see rather than what we want ITMS...because I don't want anything for them other than happiness.
It's been hard enough for me to be happy in my life.. if they can do it that'll be enough for me

[Epacris]

Thank you, thank you, thank you again for more thought provoking and insightful comments.

When you talk about expectations, do you mean your wants for them, or what you see of them & what direction you think they might take?

Yes, I guess I would like them to be happy, nice, responsible people - that is a want. DH and I will do our very best to give them skills and experience to help them be like that and model the behaviour we want to encourage, but I truly have no expectation that they will actually be like that (so far, so good though ). In the end they could be miserable dole-bludging tortured artists, or worse, developers clearing endangered ecological communities to build shopping centers . I hope that they will grow into people I like and have things in common with, but I have no expectation that that will actually happen. ITMS.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Call me hands-off, call me lazy, call me uniterested - I dunno. But I see them as separate from me and always have, from the time they were newborns.

Rory i actually cried when i saw this - this is exactly how i feel and my DD is only 10 months - my darling sister who has 4 kids of her own and seems to have to know every single little facet of their lives thinks that there is something wrong with me for feeling the way i do - she thinks i have pnd which i KNOW i don't - I love and adore my DD and i love seeing how she grows, but i don't feel the need to be with her 24/7 and i enjoy the time that i do have to myself

Epacris - thank you for starting this thread - it really has made me breath a sigh of relief

[Traveller]

My husband had a lot of expectations for our kids when they were born (and even before that). He thought they would all ride moto-x, love cars, etc. My eldest does love moto-x, but my DS2 is so not interested, he prefers dancing and singing. One of my twins is showing an interest in bikes but the other is not. I am secretly pleased as I hoped one would be interested in theatre but I am trying hard not to guide him too much. I guess he is just a show off like his mum!

It all came to a head last Christmas when DH wanted to buy motorbike gear for DS2 and we had to sit down and have a long chat about the fact he would not want that. I think this has actually helped us learn to find the interests our kids have, rather than forcing the ones we like on them. I suppose it's best to learn these lessons whilst they are young though!

[Amaunet]

hmmm...I don't have expectations in regards to skills, talents, career etc (Tho I often joke we could do with a plumber or electrician in the family LOL)

But I am going to go against the tide here and say I DO have expectations with regards to values and morals etc For example I expect him to be truthful, respectful (to those deserving of respect), well behaved at school, caring towards his family and friends etc. I fully intend to model/teach these values but don't think its a bad thing to want or expect these things from and for my child (or any future children)