I love it when you get all deep and reflective Rach - it always makes for good reading!
Is parenting important? Yes, I think it is critically important. Is it determinative? Well no, as the examples you mention show, obviously not. I like what Amber said about providing the foundation, and its up to our children to build on that. I think deep down we all feel that parenting our children is possibly the most important thing we will do in this lifetime. Unfortunately that doesn't give us any guarantees about their future.
Still I think for most of the people who frequent this forum, we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves if we didn't give it everything we had.
What a great question. I think the way we parent is important, because it's the first relationship a child has. I believe the relationships in our lives are determinative of what kind of person we become. I believe our purpose in life is relationship.
I do also believe that we've been lovingly put together and we do have a strong personality from birth. But how that personality develops is determined by the feedback it gets from others. So parenting is important because it's that first feedback our little personalities get. But it's not the only relationship a person will have in a lifetime, so it is not the be all and end all IMO.
This is also a topic that interests me alot, and I think about it often when I am looking at the 27 kids I teach and seeing some of the best and worst displays of behaviou, and believe me I have seen some of the most horrific displays of behaviour- but usually from a child with a story attached.
Yes I think parenting is important, I think it lays so many important foundations for life long learning and success. If we don't lead by example, and be our child's loudest and strongest advocate in life, then who is going to do it for them? If we dont give them skills to make appropriate choices in life, give the knowledge of consequences of their actions, show them that even though sometimes we make bad choices in life, but it is how we deal with the fallout that is important- then they are skills they are not necessarily going to build on their own.
I have seen so many displays of parents trying to do the best for the children with the skills that they have- but due to circumstances in their life, their child has been some of the horrors of life that no child should ever have to be exposed to, and consequently developed poor behaviour as their barrier or coping strategy. I do believe though that these children with parents, trying to do the best for them, even though times are tough and situations are difficult will have a much better outcome, than a child who's parents throw their hands up in the air and decide it is too difficult to deal with.
I have also met parents who think that the best way to deal with their child's behaviour is too make excuses for them, give you a barrage of reasons why they have or haven't done something, and why they should or shouldn't do it- instead of simply teaching their children that you have to be excepting of the consequences of situations you create- so many children these days refuse to accept the responsibility of their actions, because their parents either out of love or other reasons shelter them from that. While no parent ever wants to see their child hurt or upset, you set up life long consequences by sheilding your child from their responsibilities.
It is true that their is going to come a time in our child's life that they are going to have to start making their own decisions, they are going to have to decide on what is good and what is right, and they are going to have to stand up to their responsibilities. This is where we as parents have to hope and pray that the foundations we have laid for them are strong enough to guide them past the influences of life, peers, addiction, fun- so deep down they keep coming back to lessons we have taught them to guide them.
Like Camme-Lot says, we help our children develop their toolbox of skills and we send them into the world hoping they have the good sense to use them build their own life, and pass on what they know is good and right to the next generation!
I think that there are also situations in life where people have not had the best parenting example, who have seen some terrible things and had some horrific experiences, and they have managed to come through this and make the choice to be different from what they know- they have built their own toolboxs for life made the choice to be different.
Last edited by *Ali*; March 20th, 2010 at 09:10 AM.
Hmm, I'm posting without reading everything, cos otherwise I'll be late going out! Ok, so I'm approaching this from a psych perspective, which is statistically speaking parenting definately makes a difference. If you have a selection of 'good' parents, their kids are more likely to function happily in society, BUT, some wont. If you have a selection of 'bad' parents, their kids are more likely to not do so well, BUT some will. Sometimes parenting thats good enough for some kids to thrive, just isn't enough for other kids, it can be exactly the same type of parenting, some kids just need more, or less, or different. I think it comes down too, if you feel your parents did the absolute best that they could, then it's probably good enough. If you feel your doing the absolute best you can, then be confident in your parenting choices. My parents made mistakes, but overall I feel they did they best they could with the resources they had at the time. If the resources were different, then my expectations would have been different too. And siblings tend not to take up the same ''space'' that's occupied by another sibling, like, if one sibling is known as the smart one, then the next one probably won't try to compete with that space, but is more likely to take a different space, like the funny one. Or in some cases, the black sheep, it may be a dodgy spot, but it's still a spot! (Well, that's what I used to tell my parents).
Having said all that, no one really knows for sure. And there will always be a situation that disproves everything I've just said (but statistically, that's bound to happen too!).
But I think parenting is more than just how you put your child to bed, feed them or clothe them. It is about how you nurture *THEM* not them as a child... but them as who they are individually. Allowing them the room to grow without criticism, passive aggression, emotional blackmail etc. Our personalities and how we treat others as well as our partners affects them more as people and grooms them more to be the person they will be more than how much money they have or if they are told they are loved (and yes this is very important... but if you tell a child you love them yet show them differently it doesn't work now does it?). This is my belief anyway.
Hmm just quickly & having read some replies not all.
Looking at 'nature vs nurture' I have always thought it is both.
My first thoughts reading the thread title were a discussion I had with a friend of mine years ago...
That if you can recognise a trait in yourself, and especially if you can see where it cam e from, then you are then responsible for it, not your parents.
So for example, I say I am basically a fairly insecure & needy person because I suffered rejection as a child.
But once I can recognise that, it is my responsibility to fix it, deal with it, or accept that way of being.
But having said that...the fact that there is an issue there to deal with...well, that was down to how I was parented.
Does that make sense?
For a long time I blamed my childhood & how I was treated as a child, for my depression & anxiety. A number of things have caused me to rethink this, one of which is I see the same behaviours in my older children - and they have not had the childhood I did.
So there is something there to attribute to 'nature'. But perhaps the 'nurture' conrtibuted to it.
AR is calling but I will be back to read properly.
I'd like to get really deep but Jazz is having her 6.30 whinge and tanty so I'll just write my first thoughts and then come back later to compile the rest into something readable!
My first thought is that I think that parenting is CRUCIAL. I also think that parenting extends beyond how we treat our kids, and into how we treat others, because thats how our kids learn.
You could be 'the best' parent (by who's standard I don't know but anyway just roll with me here) to your kids, and then turn around and treat you partner or your friend or your neighbour or even the shop assistant at Woolies like crap, and I believe you've pretty much undone all of your 'best parenting'.
I also think that parenting, even though technically it wouldn't be CALLED parenting, extends to anyone who has regular contact with your child. See my next thought...
My second thought is... why do kids from the same family turn out so different? Well, everyone has their own experience. Their parents could be 'the best' but when that child steps into school they are watching their teacher 6 hours a day and they are learning a new set of values and ideals from this teacher. Two siblings, with two different carers (teachers) at school (or daycare etc), are going to put a new set of behaviours and ideas into their toolbox.
My third thought is... that even when considering my first and second thought, every person has a choice as to which tools they use from their lifes toolbox. We all have a whole bunch of great tools, and a whole bunch of not so great tools (I'll be the first to admit it, I find myself needing to put away some tools and take out others OFTEN...). Even with the 'best' parenting, the 'best' role models, limited negative experiences and a whole toolbox of positive tools to face life, a person can still choose to use the one negative tool in their toolbox. Or the opposite, a person could have a really negative set of tools, and choose to use the one positive tool they have picked up throughout their upbringing.
And the next question on your lips... why do some people choose positive tools and others choose negative? Hmmm, well i think the answer is within ourselves. We do we choose to use our positive tools (like patience in a slow moving shopping line!) sometimes, ad negative tools at others (huffing, puffing, sighing, and being cranky about the line moving so slow)? Good day? Bad day? Something else to do? Nothing else to do? A decison someone makes at one particular moment of time is influenced by a whole different set of circumstances than if they were faced with this same situation the day before or the day after... Sometimes it can be a life-changing (positive or negative) experience, sometimes their are regrets... but everyone makes the choice they feel is the right choice for them at that particular moment in time...
Well, anyway, thats my thoughts...
Ok that was longer than I thought it would be...
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but I will be back to read properly.
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