Does parenting really matter?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Of course we screw our children up. That's what being a parent is all about! Giving children neuroses, problems, fears, worries... can you imagine an adult as fearless and confident as a toddler? That's good, you think? No. Some people are like that and for some reason we put those people in charge of our banks. They have no fear about what is going to happen if they do this, no idea of consequences and don't understand we're upset they are still awarding themselves millions in bonuses. We need to mess our children up a bit!

But on a more serious note, we can only do the best we can. And our children have to learn that we are human and make mistakes. The key to good parenting, I feel, is working through those mistakes together. Apologising with grace. Being mindful of the hurt we may do - and have inadvertently caused. Having a relationship close enough that if our child is hurt by us, they will tell us and we can repair it. That we will upset our child is, sadly, a given. How we deal with that upset - that's why parenting is important. IMO.

[thepixie]

Some people are like that and for some reason we put those people in charge of our banks.

GOLD Ryn, that is absolute GOLD!

[Inanna]

I needed to smile tonight and Ryn my darling you did it!

[Jennifer13]

Popping in very late to this thread.

The first thought I had was there is no way each child in a family is parented in the same way, even with the exact same parents. Each of my sisters and I had a different experience of being parented. As well as being different individuals as children, my parents were parenting each of us at different stages for each age/phase and with different challenges. Personality clashes may be more apparent with one sibling over another. The amount of time a child spends alone with their parents (birth order) might have an effect.

Thing is, we don't know at the time whether it's going to be a positive or a negative effect. And each experience, as well as the fact it is different for each member of the family, is going to be remembered by each person differently. That's personality, sure. I read a book once that described it in terms of an experience we all have: starting school. Most people remember their first day of school, but everyone will have a different perception of that memory, positive, negative, neutral. How that memory is perceived then might give us a clue as to how we respond to our experiences and our nature. For eg, I remember my first day as being exciting, all of these little things that happened stand out to me (my teacher, the doggy name tage I wore, the colour of my backpack), and I was happy to be there. But someone else might have been frightened on their first day, perhaps they don't like crowds of people (nature), perhaps this was their first experience of separation from their parent/s (nurture), and so on. So my personality is less sensitive during that event than someone else's.

I think it's a parent's job to recognise your child where they are at now, both in terms of their personality and their experiences, and consider thoughtfully the long-term goals you have in your parenting. They willl still be parented, either way, but as the others have said, this gives your child the best possible chance of having the tools they need. If you know your child is sensitive, then choosing methods of parenting that hurt that sensitive soul is going to do damage. If your child is less sensitive, but needs more stimulation and you don't recognise that, then they're going to be affected. In an abusive household, one child might be more sensitive to the damage than another, because of their age, the stage of their development and their personality. One child might be more abused than another, or targeted in a different way. You're dealing with endless variables when you're trying to find a reason for 'the way someone turns out'.

And BTW you should never assume that just because someone looks like they have it all together (despite their background/childhood) that you know how it is for that person. We put on our best masks to the outside world. The man who appears to have all together and be successful may be an absolute terror behind closed doors with his kids or his wife, because he failed to learn how to properly develop intimate relationships thanks to the way he was parented. The woman with the best hair and makeup might suffer PTSD from childhood trauma. Everyone tries their very hardest to convince the outside world (and themselves) that everything is a-okay most of the time. Those with obvious problems are probably just more honest or no longer able to hide it as successfully. We all know examples of the family split that shocked everyone because 'they looked so happy' and the like.