Making friends.

[Phteven]

Is it just me or is making new friends something that gets harder when you get older?

Why is it so?

[No.5]

It is definitely harder.

I don't know if this is THE reason but I find that once you're older (& wiser ) you're not as trusting and it takes longer to allow people into your life..

[Charlotte91]

I hate making friends. Sooo socially awkward (unless I've got some Jim Beam in me. Then I can make friends).

I have trust issues.

[nothing2lose]

I'm no expert on making friends but I think it's partly because you are more discerning as you age. You work to the old adage quality over quantity for lots of things, including friends. Therefore superficial friendships are no longer as important iykwim.

If you're anything like me, you don't feel the need to suffer fools and are less tolerant of people's crap. Therefore you automatically, and perhaps subconsciously, filter out a lot of potential friends.

[LuluHB]

I'm no expert on making friends but I think it's partly because you are more discerning as you age. You work to the old adage quality over quantity for lots of things, including friends. Therefore superficial friendships are no longer as important iykwim.

If you're anything like me, you don't feel the need to suffer fools and are less tolerant of people's crap. Therefore you automatically, and perhaps subconsciously, filter out a lot of potential friends.

This. I've never been good at making friends but find the few I have are people I can genuinely rely on. I'm really tired of the superficial conversations and anything that involves one-upmanship. I think as you get older, have kids etc you have so little genuine free time for yourself that you become far more choosey with who you share that time with.

[Astrid]

I think also as we age, that there are many people out there with established friend groups. Often they are people who you could have a friendship with, but they are already busy and have enough friends.

Too add to that, having families means we have less time and friendships that work have a convenience factor. My main friendships now tend to be other mums at school and who live in the vicinity. Since moving I have met a couple of great women that I "could" have friendships with, but things like distance, different schools for our children make it near on impossible. I am also finding this year one good friendship drifting since my work load has increased and she has added more to her brood, so we are moving in different paths.

[Stevie]

I think also as we age, that there are many people out there with established friend groups. Often they are people who you could have a friendship with, but they are already busy and have enough friends.

i think this is very true.
with me its hard to find someone who fits myself and dh..
plus im a weirdo and no one wants to play with me anymore

[buffy1]

I agree, it's much harder because of the filter - but I reckon it's a positive thing.

Along with being more choosy, I think it's also about being around people you click with - where the friendship doesn't take work, it just comes easily.

[Rouge]

I dunno. I love people. And whilst I'll happily weed out the bad eggs I still love meeting new people. I'm pretty picky too. The criteria is usually "You must be awesome", which translates to funny, intelligent, genuine, interesting and fun. I'm lucky enough to say my friends are all these things. However traditional places to meet new people I do struggle with. I don't do much socialising with people at school and pretty much all my besties and close friends are from online. Most of the IRL only people I know wouldn't know what a forum is. I think online people are more my people but yes there are probably more crazies too LOL!

Does that help?

[Keta]

I agree with Lenny. I often get caught up in my life and keeping up with my current friends. New friendships often take that extra effort to maintain because with long term good friends you can go a while without catching up and it still be the same next time you see them. With new friendships if their is a gap it's kind of like you stay at the acquaintance stage. With that said sometimes you do just meet that person and a friendship clicks without the ground work.
I think when you are younger though, you are at school and around different people more often so opportunities present themselves more often. Also it's socially acceptable for a kid to go up to a group of kids and insert themselves into what ever they are doing. Do this as an adult and people generally stare.

[AnyDream]

The criteria is usually "You must be awesome", which translates to funny, intelligent, genuine, interesting and fun.

Part of the problem as I see it is that at this life stage people don't necessarily have (or want to invest) the time/energy that it takes to recognise these qualities in others. They are much more interested in making quick judgements based on stereotypes. If you fall outside of their instantly recognisable but superficial parameters, forget it. I have no doubt that if I channelled some of my personal kookiness into my fashion choices I would be a whole lot more popular than I am. But since people have to be bothered to scratch past the ordinary-looking surface, my inherent funny/intelligent/genuine/interesting/fun qualities don't tend to make it to the light of day.

[~me~]

I'm no expert on making friends but I think it's partly because you are more discerning as you age. You work to the old adage quality over quantity for lots of things, including friends. Therefore superficial friendships are no longer as important iykwim.

If you're anything like me, you don't feel the need to suffer fools and are less tolerant of people's crap. Therefore you automatically, and perhaps subconsciously, filter out a lot of potential friends.

Yep, I agree. I struggle as well. I think quality over quantity is important.
You go through stages of life and it's pretty much the same with friends.

Astrid, very valid point about what is happening in our lives, life cycles can really change a friendship.

[myturn]

I also think that it's harder because when young to have a group of friends (often) which gets smaller as you age and then you have other small groups or individuals and it's hard to keep up and in touch with lots of individual people. I feel they'll at I do have a fair number of friends but I hardly ever see them as much as I'd like as I am too busy with life as it is.... I keep telling myself one say when I'm a stay at home mum I'll be able to go out for lunch and catch up with people.... But that's probably wishful thinking!!

[Lenny]

Yes to what N2L said. But also i wonder if people don't think of making new friends. When i moved, it came as a surprise to others that i was totally alone - no family, or girlfriends. Starting from scratch. When most people seem to have all their time taken already, they maybe don't realise that there are potential new 'friends' out there.

[peanutter]

Lots of reasons ... less disposable time, more responsibilities, more discernment, more desire for value-for-effort, less time and energy for crap ...

I know that a lot of friends of mine have done a "friend enema" with a view of vetting the s*** out of their life ... on the basis that they'd prefer to have 5 good close friends that the see on a monthly basis than 30 friends that they briefly shoot the breeze with at 10 various group gatherings over the course of the year ...

And I know very few adults who actively try to reach out with a view to making new friends - whereas I know lots of people who specifically joined clubs and groups at high school and uni in order to meet new people and make friends.

For me personally, I get to maybe one social event every week of two. I also manage a breakfast or lunch or coffee most weeks in town with friends who work in town also, and I have two friends I catch the train to work with twice a week. I see people at my bible study group most weeks, I see friends at church most weeks, and when on maternity leave, I see the mums at playgroup most week. But my social friends (mostly from high school and their partners) I see once or twice a month - I don't see them incidentally and so we have to make specific plans to catch up. Realistically, that makes it a lot harder and a lot more work.

And that's a lot harder when you have kids. Them's the breaks! DH and I can't just say "let's all go to the movies this Friday!" and head on out ...

Accordingly, there's a lot of people I like a lot, but who I don't see much any more. I don't get to the weekly poker games, I don't join in on their dodgeball, indoor soccer and indoor netball teams as I just don't have time and capacity to factor another regular commitment in. When they organise to go to the pub or a restaurant or whatever, we have to consider much more carefully what else has been going on, how much face-to-face time have we had with the boys and each other, are we on top of work, how much money is in the account (because four people on one income with a mortgage is *lots* different from most of our friends, who are DINKs who are renting!) and then decide whether we want to go to the event.

We haven't found that our social group has transitioned from the flirty thirties to the parent-with-child models - we still have a really varied mix of singles and couples and parents, but we have found that we see our friends a lot less often, and new friends that I've made over the past 18 or so months have mostly been through DS's activities and through BB - with one or two extras, who I have met through work, and one other who is the new partner of a long term friend.

[SeppyM]

I also struggle to make new friends. For me it's because I'm just not confident enough and am too timid to 'put myself' out there as much as id like to. I think it's harder to make friends as we get older because often ppl have already formed their friendships and don't have time or feel the need to make new friends... Unfortunate for those of us wanting to meet new ppl...

[fionas]

I think it's harder because as we get older we have a level of self-awareness and we instinctively know (to an extent) what people we're going to click with. I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. We met at the library and struck up a conversation with each other because our children know each other from childcare. That could have gone nowhere especially as she was only accidentally free that day and usually worked. Ironically, it was soon after Lulu died and I was umming and ahhing about going to the library that day, but actually thought to myself that Lulu would tell me I was never going to meet anyone sitting at home. I like to think Lulu sent her to me

Anyhow, even though we couldn't find a day when we were both free, we arranged to have dinner instead. And those have turned into regular things. We've talked about how random meeting each other was and how even though you meet other mums through playgroups, mothers groups etc. that a lot of the time you have to go on your gut instinct. I try to put myself out there in MGs and playgroups but sometimes they end up making me feel sad, because although everyone I meet is nice/lovely, I just don't have the 'click' with them.

So, yeah, I don't think it's necessarily harder, you just need the 'click' and I reckon without that, it's hard and perhaps a little pointless, to make the effort.

[fionas]

Sorry, forgot to add ...

I think, too, that when the common bond is children that tends to be what you talk about. And as fascinating as our own children are, really, unless you're a comedian, I don't find talk about children very interesting. I realise the irony of this given that I've spent four years on BB!!!!

It's very hard to have conversations about stuff other than children when you first join Mothers Groups/playgroups as that's the natural topic. But really, I'd rather meet people and talk about anything other than children TBH.