Making friends.

[Traveller]

Because for some reason going up to someone who looks like a decent person and asking if they want to play pirates on the fort with a slide isn't acceptable when you get older.

If you asked me, I would play

[peanutter]

Lots of reasons ... less disposable time, more responsibilities, more discernment, more desire for value-for-effort, less time and energy for crap ...

I know that a lot of friends of mine have done a "friend enema" with a view of vetting the s*** out of their life ... on the basis that they'd prefer to have 5 good close friends that the see on a monthly basis than 30 friends that they briefly shoot the breeze with at 10 various group gatherings over the course of the year ...

And I know very few adults who actively try to reach out with a view to making new friends - whereas I know lots of people who specifically joined clubs and groups at high school and uni in order to meet new people and make friends.

For me personally, I get to maybe one social event every week of two. I also manage a breakfast or lunch or coffee most weeks in town with friends who work in town also, and I have two friends I catch the train to work with twice a week. I see people at my bible study group most weeks, I see friends at church most weeks, and when on maternity leave, I see the mums at playgroup most week. But my social friends (mostly from high school and their partners) I see once or twice a month - I don't see them incidentally and so we have to make specific plans to catch up. Realistically, that makes it a lot harder and a lot more work.

And that's a lot harder when you have kids. Them's the breaks! DH and I can't just say "let's all go to the movies this Friday!" and head on out ...

Accordingly, there's a lot of people I like a lot, but who I don't see much any more. I don't get to the weekly poker games, I don't join in on their dodgeball, indoor soccer and indoor netball teams as I just don't have time and capacity to factor another regular commitment in. When they organise to go to the pub or a restaurant or whatever, we have to consider much more carefully what else has been going on, how much face-to-face time have we had with the boys and each other, are we on top of work, how much money is in the account (because four people on one income with a mortgage is *lots* different from most of our friends, who are DINKs who are renting!) and then decide whether we want to go to the event.

We haven't found that our social group has transitioned from the flirty thirties to the parent-with-child models - we still have a really varied mix of singles and couples and parents, but we have found that we see our friends a lot less often, and new friends that I've made over the past 18 or so months have mostly been through DS's activities and through BB - with one or two extras, who I have met through work, and one other who is the new partner of a long term friend.

[AnyDream]

The criteria is usually "You must be awesome", which translates to funny, intelligent, genuine, interesting and fun.

Part of the problem as I see it is that at this life stage people don't necessarily have (or want to invest) the time/energy that it takes to recognise these qualities in others. They are much more interested in making quick judgements based on stereotypes. If you fall outside of their instantly recognisable but superficial parameters, forget it. I have no doubt that if I channelled some of my personal kookiness into my fashion choices I would be a whole lot more popular than I am. But since people have to be bothered to scratch past the ordinary-looking surface, my inherent funny/intelligent/genuine/interesting/fun qualities don't tend to make it to the light of day.

[Stevie]

I think also as we age, that there are many people out there with established friend groups. Often they are people who you could have a friendship with, but they are already busy and have enough friends.

i think this is very true.
with me its hard to find someone who fits myself and dh..
plus im a weirdo and no one wants to play with me anymore

[chody47]

I think it is because you just don't have the time and energy to cultivate new friendships like when you are younger. If I ever get time to go out I like to either take some time for myself or have fun with the family. It doesn't really interest me with the limited amount of time that I have, to leave the family at home and go out with a girlfriend.

This is me to a tee. Whenever I have 'free' time I'd much prefer to do something with DH and DD. I think part of the problem is that I am also too happy in my own company, I still wish I had more friends though

[SeppyM]

I also struggle to make new friends. For me it's because I'm just not confident enough and am too timid to 'put myself' out there as much as id like to. I think it's harder to make friends as we get older because often ppl have already formed their friendships and don't have time or feel the need to make new friends... Unfortunate for those of us wanting to meet new ppl...

[Liviam]

Definitely harder!! No idea why but gee I wish it wasn't so hard.

[fionas]

I think it's harder because as we get older we have a level of self-awareness and we instinctively know (to an extent) what people we're going to click with. I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently. We met at the library and struck up a conversation with each other because our children know each other from childcare. That could have gone nowhere especially as she was only accidentally free that day and usually worked. Ironically, it was soon after Lulu died and I was umming and ahhing about going to the library that day, but actually thought to myself that Lulu would tell me I was never going to meet anyone sitting at home. I like to think Lulu sent her to me

Anyhow, even though we couldn't find a day when we were both free, we arranged to have dinner instead. And those have turned into regular things. We've talked about how random meeting each other was and how even though you meet other mums through playgroups, mothers groups etc. that a lot of the time you have to go on your gut instinct. I try to put myself out there in MGs and playgroups but sometimes they end up making me feel sad, because although everyone I meet is nice/lovely, I just don't have the 'click' with them.

So, yeah, I don't think it's necessarily harder, you just need the 'click' and I reckon without that, it's hard and perhaps a little pointless, to make the effort.

[fionas]

Sorry, forgot to add ...

I think, too, that when the common bond is children that tends to be what you talk about. And as fascinating as our own children are, really, unless you're a comedian, I don't find talk about children very interesting. I realise the irony of this given that I've spent four years on BB!!!!

It's very hard to have conversations about stuff other than children when you first join Mothers Groups/playgroups as that's the natural topic. But really, I'd rather meet people and talk about anything other than children TBH.

[chody47]

Does anyone who has mentioned wanting to make new friends live in Adelaide???

[sangie]

Definitely harder! I love meeting new people and looking at the last 5 years or so I've made lots of new friends. But they aren't the 'call upon anytime and catch up regularly' type of friends IYKWIM?
For me its harder making close friendships these days. Which may also be due to me being shy lol!

[Astrid]

Certainly agree there on the "click" thing Fionas.

I think another part is also how well the husbands/partners and also kids click. I find it easier to maintain friendships when both families get along, so much harder when my DH thinks there DH is a 'DH" iykwim It helps to be able to organise family get togethers, especially with a lot of socialasion now restricted to evenings or weekends due to work.

[Astrolady]

Does anyone who has mentioned wanting to make new friends live in Adelaide???

I live in Adelaide. Northern suburbs, and really need to extend my friendship circle. I could count on one hand how many friends I actually have IRL that live in the same state as me, and one of them I have just had a big bust up with. So I am on the rebound haha

[Astrolady]

Certainly agree there on the "click" thing Fionas.

I think another part is also how well the husbands/partners and also kids click. I find it easier to maintain friendships when both families get along, so much harder when my DH thinks there DH is a 'DH" iykwim It helps to be able to organise family get togethers, especially with a lot of socialasion now restricted to evenings or weekends due to work.

This is my issue to Astrid. My friends partners, Andrew doesn't get along with. He isn't a very sociable person where as my friends partners are outgoing. Therefore we aren't invited to dinner or things like that (even though I am quite happy to go on my own) because of his lack of social skills.

[Epacris]

I think meeting new people and making friends is like exercise. The more you do it, the better you get at it, but it’s really hard when you’re first starting out, sometimes it hurts, most of the time it’s uncomfortable, but sometimes it is fabulous and completely invigorating.

I force myself to meet new people, I also force myself to exercise, because both things are good for me and make me feel better in the long-run. I make chit-chat, learn their name, ask lots of questions, smile, make eye contact, etc,etc,etc. I have plenty of opportunities to do this, I go to a mothers group which is run out of the hospital where DS2 was born, it’s constantly evolving and rotating, there are always new people there. I also go to meet-ups, BB, or other internet based groups. It’s is always nerve wracking (especially if you are the first one there) and often awkward and uncomfortable... but you gotta start somewhere and you never know where it’s going to take you.

[Sopdet]

I never thougth I had a problem making friends, but lately I've been finding that it is harder. I also find that after a few times of reaching my hand out towards people and that hand isn't grasped, that I pull away from those people, even though I'd love to have those people in my life.

Funny thing is now I'm finding that I'm either re-connecting with old school friends from high school, or finding new friends that are on the same path (or at least in the same vague direction) as me (as in beliefs). I'm also becoming less tolerent of constant negativity, yes things can be bad, but there are ways of phrasing things that don't scream "woe is me, poor me".

I also have a group of male friends, that I can't survive without them in my life. A couple of them were previous relationships, but I also have a group of them that I'd never consider anything remotely romantic with (yet we have been known to share a bed, curl up on the couch together, go out holding hands etc), and of course my gorgeous gay male friends.

[chody47]

I live in Adelaide. Northern suburbs, and really need to extend my friendship circle. I could count on one hand how many friends I actually have IRL that live in the same state as me, and one of them I have just had a big bust up with. So I am on the rebound haha

I live in the South (close to Marion shopping centre to give you a guide). Most of my friends these day are family....SIL ect....I guess it's just 'easy' cause you see family more often anyway.... I mean, I have friends but, even as a teenager, I would tend to have my school friends but I would rarely suggest catching up outside of school....I guess I do the same thing now with work...

[FabFiona]

I tend to get involved in stuff and meet people that way. My latest thing is setting up a toy library. I've made a few great friends from that. It helps because we have a common interest, all have kids and are all outgoing people.

My close friendships have ebbed and flowed over the years. I've found that as I've lost a close friend through changing interests, someone else has naturally evolved into that space.