I try to have compassion for her, but she says things that I just find hard to find any compassion for.
Here's an example of what happened the last time she was here; bit of background first.
MIL's sister A had a baby at 19 that she gave up for adoption. Her strict, religious family sent her away to have the baby to avoid the disgrace. A stayed away after baby and very quickly ie 6 months after birth got married to a man the family didn't know on the quiet.
Now we were talking and I was told that A might lose her job soon, as her contract was not up for renewal. I said "oh that's terrible, are you worried about A?" MIL says "no, A has had plenty of opportunities over the years to save money" with a sour tone as if A had made her bed, she can lie in it sort of way. I said, "that's a bit cold, isn't it?" which I probably shouldn't, but it just sounded so danm cold the way she said it! MIL starts with "Well, I'd never see her out on the street, but you know, she really upset the family with all that baby stuff and getting married...blah blah" and goes into some more of the background that does not, let me tell you, show MIL in a good light!!
Remeber that all of this happened 40 years ago!! And A is still the naughty girl who got pregnant!
I think she shouldn't have been gossiping about A, she didn't pick up on any of my verbal or body cues that the subject was making me annoyed and I would prefer that she drop it.
In a way I think if you take one step further back you could even pity her for being so wrapped up in the past that it has clearly poisoned her. I doubt it's something you could ever say to her, but it might make it easier in your own mind ITMS.
I agree with Bath and Pixie. I think in that situation, while her reactions are hard to fathom, you just have to feel sorry for her that she is so wrapped up in the past and so lacking in compassion for her sister that her life would surely have been the sourer for it.
DP's family has lots of stuff going on at the moment and TBH I just end up feeling sorry for the lot of them. Sorry for the BIL and the SIL who can't stop *****ing about the other brother because it really is affecting their lives because they can't let it go - and sorry for the other brother that he can't swallow his pride and apologise for his bad behaviour.
In some ways, feeling sorry for people is kind of a superior attitude - "oh you poor things, if only you could handle things as well as I am because I have more going on in my life than worrying about who did/said what" - but on the other it WORKS.
I think that perhaps you could delve into her emotions a bit more but in a very, very calm and detached way. That could lead to a better understanding of her. On the other hand, you could just find an internal way of not being bothered. There's no right or wrong answer.
Winter, I just wanted to explain a bit more about what I meant particularly as I know you've read my other thread about dealing with DP's ex-wife.
I guess my first response (after being angry with her) was to try to understand her. I put out the olive branch and gave her lots of opportunities to offer some explanation for her actions.
That didn't work.
So I guess I've now come to the conclusion that she has lost her daughter and she is totally unwilling to acknowledge that she has made mistakes. In my book, that makes her a pretty unevolved person and I think her life is worse for it. It takes a strong and courageous person to recognise that they've made mistakes but ultimately it makes them and their relationships happier.
So after trying to understand her, now I feel sorry for her and I no longer want to 'fix' her. I've tried every which way and nothing works so now I just feel sorry for her because that is better for me than feeling angry with her.
Yes - sometimes dealing with people is just like banging your head up against the wall. It doesn't matter how compassionate or composed you are, it's not going to stop them whinging about something or everything. I think some people just love misery. In which case, I try not to engage with them. You could turn it into a reward system - I ignore you when you're whinging or saying negative things. When you say positive things, I engage with you (though you don't say this of course ). I used to always disagree with my brothers first wife - we could see eye-to-eye on nothing and it did my head in. In the end, I just talked about the weather or innocuous stuff like that and disengaged everytime it got into something I had issues with. If someone wants to behave like a victim, it doesn't mean I have to behave like an abuser. That's their life path to walk down and i wish them luck with it. Put it down to a cultural differences and let it go, if you can.
What's that saying Dr Phil has? "And how does that work for you?" classic
Just to add a little: I don't think anyone loves being miserable or angry... but it can become "normal" for them. It often happens within families. Tension is the status quo from day one. It's what they all accept as normality. The children in the family just grow up thinking that's how life is... they don't know any different. When you reach adulthood you are meant to realise what is normal and what is not but it's not as easy as it sounds...the spectrum of normality is very wide. The natural thing to many people is to just keep being who they are... and part of maintaining normality is to choose partners that make you feel comfortable and "at home with"... partners that fit in with what you perceive as normal... and this affects all relationships. Some people continue through life just not realising that there is an alternative... and some people actually feel so unfamiliar with healthier people (people who are open, honest, cheerful etc) that this really throws them. It feels so foreign that their discomfort turns into something negative. This is totally subconscious... they are as able to change who they are as speak a foreign language. This is why i feel sorry for them. I agree that this can seem superior. But i know too that if I was thrust into a situation where the majority were more emotionally healthier than me I would flounder too!
Imagine, say, walking into a house where everyone was completely at peace with themselves with no hang-ups and emotional weaknesses. At first you might say "oh that would be great!" but wait until they expect to to be the same! Imagine if it was the status quo to say, gather together at the end of the day and tell everyone how much you appreciate them... this meant standing up infront of everyone and basically making a little public speech. Remember that no-one in this house has any emotional hang ups... public speaking doesn't bother them at all. Then it comes to you. You don't want to do it. It feels uncomfortable. you're too shy. But you're feeling the pressure to do it. You start to hate these people because they have these weird expectations of you. Ugh, they're all looking at you. Who do they think they are anyhow?
Fiona made a good point that being forgiving/compassionate is not just for the person who is floundering... but for yourself. Staying angry is hard work and it always hurts you more than the person you are ****ed off with. She's right, forgiving is easier and healthier... doesn't mean you have to like the person but it allows you to be at peace with their weaknesses.
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). I used to always disagree with my brothers first wife - we could see eye-to-eye on nothing and it did my head in. In the end, I just talked about the weather or innocuous stuff like that and disengaged everytime it got into something I had issues with. If someone wants to behave like a victim, it doesn't mean I have to behave like an abuser. That's their life path to walk down and i wish them luck with it. Put it down to a cultural differences and let it go, if you can.
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