Do you think there is a way to be "graceful" in your everyday dealings with people? I don't mean it in the sense of the ballerina type physical "grace" but in the emotional sense of being dignified, in control, generous, helpful etc in our behaviour.
The reason I ask, is because I think this is something I really need to work on in myself in my dealings with my MIL especially. My not-so-good old fallback is the "avoid & ignore" while I silently seethe and create an atmosphere of silent tension. It makes me feel like a petulent teenager and I would rather be more dignified than that.
With people I know, eg my own mother & DH, I don't behave like this, I talk about what is bugging me and then its over with.
I will never see eye-to-eye with my MIL. I understand that I have no control over her behaviour, I can only control my own.
So, what do you do to be gracious when your first reaction is to avoid?
hmm well one way I know is to pray for the person, its hard to be angry at someone if you r praying for them.
Um I don't know sometimes when people do things that I see as wrong I TRY TO SEE THE REASON WHY EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL AND A HISTORY AND PAST HURTS ETC AND SOMETIMES IF YOU FINd the reason why they behave in a certain way it makes it easier.
Sometimes it takes letting go and forgiving the person for what they do to you and this sometimes feels like it would be giving up power but actually it's about gaining power its all about you nothing about them about freeing yourself from the burden or hurt or anger etc
I hope there is something in there that helps or someone else has something to offer
I agree with Jas: looking at your MIL in a broader sense (imagining her childhood experience) can help. This is my main strategy with dealing with my own mother with grace. On the surface my mother is a very difficult person to like... but once you put this behaviour into the context of her life experience, especially during her formative childhood years, it helps to explain why she is the way she is. It doesn't EXCUSE her... just explains it... subtle but important difference.
Other than that it help to know yourself... acknowledge your weaknesses so they don't sneak up on you. I know that personally I have my weak spots. Hearing people make broad sweeping statements about mothers (judging them) and the raising of children (harsh methods) can really get my blood boiling. But as I have grown older I notice the symptoms of anger within me earlier... and I address them. I start to deliberatley pause before speaking. Take extra care to chose my words carefully. Also I remind myself that many people actually feel more comfortable in a conflict situation that a calm one. I know it sounds strange. A book called Families and How to Survive Them taught me this... it was a pivotal moment in developing grace under fire!!!
I would accept that there will always be people like your MIL who push your buttons. Try to get yourself into a mindset that you actually welcome the challenge of getting along with her for the sake of peace within your family. Of course you don't have to pretend that you like her... but you can get real good at showing her a basic level of respect. With a bit of luck she will, on some level, acknowledge this and reflect this respect back at you. Learn to use the phrase "lets agree to disagree then" I have found it really useful. And don't forget to use eye contact instead of words if the moment is getting tricky. Sometimes a certain look (not aggressive, more a look that says "I wonder what you are trying to say?" does the trick. In a power struggle the dominant person will use cues like body language and eye contact to assert control... by keeping and maintaining eye contact you are conveying a refusal to bow down. Make sure that you are thinking respectful thoughts at the time though! Goodluck!
Winter this is such a great thread.... unfortunately I don't feel I've been particularly graceful in my dealings with others lately so not sure I can contribute much of use.
In some cases I try to remind myself that others press our buttons because they remind us of what we don't like in ourselves. I have found this a useful thought, especially when I take a strong dislike to someone for no good reason - remembering this I have managed to get over it completely. It's a whole lot harder when we have complicated family relationships with people and struggle to figure out what is a genuine personality clash and what comes from manipulation, jealousy, etc.
Anyway I hope you find a way to hold your head up with your MIL. Try to remember that if she is trying to bring you down its because she feels second best. Maybe that will help you stay calm and detached.
Winter this is such a great thread.... unfortunately I don't feel I've been particularly graceful in my dealings with others lately so not sure I can contribute much of use.
In some cases I try to remind myself that others press our buttons because they remind us of what we don't like in ourselves. I have found this a useful thought, especially when I take a strong dislike to someone for no good reason - remembering this I have managed to get over it completely. It's a whole lot harder when we have complicated family relationships with people and struggle to figure out what is a genuine personality clash and what comes from manipulation, jealousy, etc.
Anyway I hope you find a way to hold your head up with your MIL. Try to remember that if she is trying to bring you down its because she feels second best. Maybe that will help you stay calm and detached.
Help Me Find Grace, when I'd rather run & hide...
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