Help Me Find Grace, when I'd rather run & hide...

[thepixie]

Winter this is such a great thread.... unfortunately I don't feel I've been particularly graceful in my dealings with others lately so not sure I can contribute much of use.
In some cases I try to remind myself that others press our buttons because they remind us of what we don't like in ourselves. I have found this a useful thought, especially when I take a strong dislike to someone for no good reason - remembering this I have managed to get over it completely. It's a whole lot harder when we have complicated family relationships with people and struggle to figure out what is a genuine personality clash and what comes from manipulation, jealousy, etc.
Anyway I hope you find a way to hold your head up with your MIL. Try to remember that if she is trying to bring you down its because she feels second best. Maybe that will help you stay calm and detached.

[Bathsheba]

That's very true Pixie... it's very common for people to dislike the VERY thing they dislike about themselves... selfish people can't stand selfishness in others... sensitive people are often the ones to be annoyed by other people's sensitivities etc. I'm as just as much to blame... but it's interesting.

[Astrid]

That's very true Pixie... it's very common for people to dislike the VERY thing they dislike about themselves... selfish people can't stand selfishness in others... sensitive people are often the ones to be annoyed by other people's sensitivities etc. I'm as just as much to blame... but it's interesting.

I wonder it is to do will guilt and self protection. If you point out how bad someone else's bad point is, then in comparison you don't look as bad?

Also been mulling. How does our bad behaviours influence others? If someone is selfish, then does your selfish side come out? There is an ex-friend of ours is just plain selfish and ungrateful. If you have her around when there is a dip platter, she will "cherry pick" all the best bits. We got sick of the platter being picked over and nothing being left for the other guests who were due to arrive and of course, nothing being left for us, that we began to only put out some of the platter, reserving the rest for later. Her selfishness made us selfish with our hospitality. In addition to this she has also lost a friendship over this when as she accused a good friend of cherry picking. I actually wonder if he cherry picked, because she cherry picked?

[Bathsheba]

Astrid: I don't really know the answer however from my observation people can differ depending on how much they stick to their own compass. I annoy DH a lot by constantly reminding him not to "use other people's faults to excuse your own". Not that I am able to rise above it all the time myself... but I'm aware of that phenomenon. This is probably why I am fairly choosy about my friends... i like to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me... it works both ways of course. Also people are not as static as I think we generally assume. I know that one day I can feel generous and kind and tolerant.... then a week later I'm the opposite (but trying to hide it). All in all I think the best we can do is cultivate a confident (but compassionate) personality... if we have the skills to help people be their best then everyone wins. And sometimes we also have to let people (and ourselves fail) sometimes it's the best way to learn... feeling crappy can be a great motivator.

I reckon I sound like I have all the answers... but I don't... I'm just wired to enjoy watching people and observe "cause and effect". Watching is different to do-ing. I struggle to follow my own advice a lot of the time.

ETA: I would have staggered the platter too Astrid... different people different strategies.

[LionsandBears]

This is a very interesting topic. Having grace in difficult times is easier when you're prepared. It's the "I wasn't expecting that comment" scenario that floors me. And being tired, hungry etc means my defences are down and makes things harder to deal with.

However, if I'm better prepared and grounded, one of the best techniques I've found is a visual application of a gestalt therapy tool. Say you have a disagreement with someone. You sit in one chair, with an empty chair in front of you. You say your side of things, then get up and sit in the other chair and BE the other person and say their side of things. In therapy, the therapist asks questions to get answers from both perspectives. I've used it to understand things like why a guy dumped me etc - I was able to see me from his perspective. I've since tried doing it just by myself when I'm trying to understand where someone else is coming from.

The visual side of this, is when you're talking with someone you disagree with, is to visualise you are standing where they are, looking back at you. What do they (you) see, how does that make them feel (you), why are they (you) reacting the way they are? I did this with my Dad. I've always felt that he is controlling and manipulative and it drives me insane. We've had huge arguments about things. We may never get along, but doing this once, I felt that I(he) wasn't trying to control me, I(he) was just feeling insecure and wanted to get closer to me but didn't know how, so was trying to force my hand. Does that make sense? It's not a cure-all, but it helped me back down from my position a little. It's not as effective as physically changing chairs, but it helps.

I suppose it's a form of practising compassion. I just wish the other person would do the same

The other thing I've found in arguments, is they often escalate because no-one wants to look like thy're backing down and losing their position. This is where the "agree to disagree" is useful to defuse things. It says I'm not willing to fight with you about this. I'm letting it go.

[Winter]

I try to have compassion for her, but she says things that I just find hard to find any compassion for.

Here's an example of what happened the last time she was here; bit of background first.
MIL's sister A had a baby at 19 that she gave up for adoption. Her strict, religious family sent her away to have the baby to avoid the disgrace. A stayed away after baby and very quickly ie 6 months after birth got married to a man the family didn't know on the quiet.

Now we were talking and I was told that A might lose her job soon, as her contract was not up for renewal. I said "oh that's terrible, are you worried about A?" MIL says "no, A has had plenty of opportunities over the years to save money" with a sour tone as if A had made her bed, she can lie in it sort of way. I said, "that's a bit cold, isn't it?" which I probably shouldn't, but it just sounded so danm cold the way she said it! MIL starts with "Well, I'd never see her out on the street, but you know, she really upset the family with all that baby stuff and getting married...blah blah" and goes into some more of the background that does not, let me tell you, show MIL in a good light!!

Remeber that all of this happened 40 years ago!! And A is still the naughty girl who got pregnant!

I think she shouldn't have been gossiping about A, she didn't pick up on any of my verbal or body cues that the subject was making me annoyed and I would prefer that she drop it.

My compassion is for A, but what do you think?

[thepixie]

In a way I think if you take one step further back you could even pity her for being so wrapped up in the past that it has clearly poisoned her. I doubt it's something you could ever say to her, but it might make it easier in your own mind ITMS.