The search for validation...

[Bathsheba]

Great thread topic

The issue of creating and being a praise junkie was highlighted for me when i worked at an ELC (run by an independent girls' school). I soon picked up on how the staff were avoiding the use of 'good girl/boy' and it might have even been explained to me. Instead we encouraged and acknowledged effort by commenting on the praise-worthy action; eg "You have worked so hard on that construction, well done!" or "I really like how you have chosen to share that toy, that is very kind of you". Telling a child they are "good" or bad" is a pretty risky thing really.... like any other label.... and it's not really correct. No one is always good or bad. They do good or bad things, subtle difference, but can be really important to a child.

Of course at home i still slip out the occasional "good boy" etc but I try to avoid it.... it's possibly an example of my own upbringing which was big on labels.

I totally agree, and couldn't have said it better, the point Pixie made about people being free to disown their actions if they seek validation for something that later turns out to be the wrong thing.
I think it's a much better idea to tune into yout own inner voice... it's usually on the money. The opposite can also be true when everyone around you is saying that something is a dumb idea... so you don't do it... but if you had it would have been the right thing for you.

Really really interesting subject!

[Liz]

Great thread topic

Instead we encouraged and acknowledged effort by commenting on the praise-worthy action; eg "You have worked so hard on that construction, well done!" or "I really like how you have chosen to share that toy, that is very kind of you".

I try to remember to do this... but yeah... good boy/good girl often slip out all too easily! I'm pretty sure I haven't done naughty or bad tho... i usually say I don't like when you do that or say that.

Same thing with calling them clever. You're better off praising the effort otherwise they feel they have to live up to being clever and often then don't even try for fear of failing.

As for the validation... I think to a certain extent seeking validation is ok.. altho if it's validation just for the sake of justifying something we're not really 100% about then it's not a good thing. But certainly asking others their opinions or what they would do isn't in itself a bad thing... I wouldn't like people to isolate themselves from the village even more thinking they can't put it out there in order to compare or feel validated. Did that even make sense?? (LOL - please validate what I just said! )

[Arcadia]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

But certainly asking others their opinions or what they would do isn't in itself a bad thing... I wouldn't like people to isolate themselves from the village even more thinking they can't put it out there in order to compare or feel validated.

I totally agree. I think some validation is necessary to help people feel included and supported. After all, we turn to each other in times of need, often because a situation is beyond our own resources. I think though it should be a goal to also help people work through their issue in a non-judgmental way, instead of always patting people on the back and saying "never mind"...which is what I think often happens.