Sorry I havent been around for days. Been busy writing like a mad woman and running around after a sick little baby girl. Can't get this fever to break for love nor money although I am pretty sure it is related to her teething... but sheesh its soooooo hot already! I cant handle holding a little hot water bottle too!

Anyway, That is pretty much it, isnt it Fleur? What was missing from our social childhoods that lead us to still be seeking validation as adults? I read a very interesting blog the other day in regard to this that I feel in a way might help explain this question. One thing he said really struck a chord with me, and I could even elaborate a bit further and add another aspect of harm.

Where the first ugly outcome of bullying unfolds rather immediately in the form of a wounded self-concept, the second ugly outcome unfolds more slowly over time. Having a wounded self-concept makes it harder for you to believe in yourself, and when you have difficulty believing in yourself, you will tend to have a harder time persevering through difficult situations and challenging circumstances. Deficits in academic performance can easily occur when bullying victims succumb to depression or otherwise become demoralized. They certainly also occur when victims ditch school to avoid bullies. The deficits themselves are not the real issue. The real issue is that if deficits occur for too long or become too pronounced, the affected children can lose out on opportunities for advancement and further study, and ultimately, employment. I've read retrospective studies where people report having left school early so as to avoid continued bullying, and this of course will have altered and limited the job prospects they have available to them as adults.
While all of that is true, the bolded part is just the start. As if getting a job isn't hard enough, but you also get labeled a 'drop out' and others opinion of you is devalued. Few people seem to be able to recognise that School isn't just school for some people. It's hell.

I know all this information is supposed to make me feel better and realise "well the bully was just a kid too", but it doesn't work that way.

It would be great if the average person was possessed of unshakable self-confidence, but this just isn't how identity works. Identity is a social process. Other people contribute to it. Particularly when people are young and have not yet survived a few of life's trials, it is difficult for people to know who they are and what they are made of. Much of what passes for identity in the young (and in the older too) is actually a kind of other-confidence, which is to say that many people's self-confidence is continually shored up by those around them telling them in both overt and subtle ways that they are good, worthy people. This is one of the reasons people like to belong to groups – it helps them to feel good about themselves. Bullying teaches people that they are explicitly not part of groups; that they are outcasts and outsiders. It is hard to doubt the reality of being an outcast and an outsider when you have been beaten or otherwise publicly humiliated. It takes an exceptionally confident (or otherwise well-supported) person to not internalize bullies' negative messages and begin bullying yourself by holding yourself to the same standards that bullies are applying to you and finding yourself a failure.
On another note:-
New imaging studies are revealing—for the first time—patterns of brain development that extend into the teenage years. Although scientists don't know yet what accounts for the observed changes, they may parallel a pruning process that occurs early in life that appears to follow the principle of "use-it-or-lose-it:" neural connections, or synapses, that get exercised are retained, while those that don't are lost.
So how am i supposed to fix that?

I know we are coming from a different background here but hopefully there might be some sense in that lot for you too.

Thank you for the support Teirae and Fluer. It means a lot!