Do you have to put aside time to "organise your thoughts and feelings" and to tidy up your emotional state so you can see/understand things more clearly?
Or do you just let yourself feel whatever bobs to the surface first? Is thinking twice about your emotional reaction to anything not as authentic as your first impulsive feeling?
Do you ever feel tired and emotionally exhausted because you constantly have to help other adults around you do their emotional house keeping for them? Example: your partner is a worry wart and you are regularly helping him to self-soothe. Or your partner has a bad temper and you are constantly on edge and ready to help them calm down?
This is what i mean when people neglect their emotional house keeping. Don't get me wrong... i'm not perfect... even i need a bit of help too
It doesn't apply to children. Just like in the practical ways we help them to learn to tidy up after themselves we are meant to help them to self-soothe and manage temper etc.
If anyone has any tips on how to help other adults do their emotional house work i'd love to hear them! Or you might not think it's necessary as our emotions are not something we have any control over anyhow. Whatever your thoughts please feel free to share.
BTW I'm currently doing this emotional house keeping for another at an arms distance for someone close to me. I'm refusing to do the hand-holding soothing "hey it's ok, caaaalm down everything will be ok" thing. For me that hasn't worked. I'm now pointing out that this person is emotionally mature enough to be aware that their reaction to things is out of kilter. I tell them that i love them but I neutrally remind them that their choice of emotion (I believe you can often choose) is out of kilter with the situation. At the moment we are at an impasse... but they are coming around slowly i think. The crutch has to be put aside eventually.
As with my normal housework, I seem to only look after it when there's a problem. Recently I've been telling DH I want to go away on holiday - by myself - and not talk to anyone or see anyone for a week. I got about 5 seconds from booking an apartment and flights to Melbourne the other day, only stopped because I felt so guilty about going away...about WANTING to be away from him. He did a 24 hour charity event on the weekend though, so I was by myself in the house for 24 hours, which was fabulous.
I have no doubt that if I made the effort to be by myself regularly, BEFORE it gets to that point, we'd get along better. 'Twould probably help my emotional balance a lot. I never seem to do it though, I feel like I'm being selfish by asking for time away from him...
ETA - I think I've answered the wrong question I find the best 'mental housekeeping' activity to be being alone, maybe walking along the beach in the early morning. When I was a kid we used to go to Albany a few times a year, and we stayed in a caravan park right near the beach. I'd wake up at 5am so I could walk myself to the beach and just sit there for an hour or two, away from my family, just being quiet and letting the cobwebs blow away. Mum said I was always calmer (read: less uptight) when I did that - but it had to be our secret, I wasn't allowed to tell Dad
Obviously without knowing anything apart from what you've just said in your second post, I wonder if a time of crisis is the best time to try to teach this kind of lesson to your friend? I know I wouldn't respond to it at all, not when I'm low, I'd be more inclined to distance myself from someone trying to do that. When I'm in a good place I can start to lay a stronger foundation, but when I'm drowning I'm just focussing on getting to the surface, y'know?
Last edited by Bumperstump Cummerbund; April 19th, 2011 at 10:58 AM.
Very good point Keike! I forgot to mention that to do emotional house keeping you often DO have to be left alone in a degree of peace and quiet! Interesting the person who i have most had to do their emotional house keeping for doesn't LIKE to be left alone to think. They also don't like quiet; they fill up every waking minute with noise. Even in the car on a five minute drive the music will go on Heaven forbid they actually stop and think about things. They have admitted that thinking too much about their feelings makes them feel uncomfortable. Hmmmm. what can you do with that???
ETA: BT don't feel guilty next time Keike... do it.
Haha, I understand that to a point. Interestingly, when I used to go for the walks, I didn't think at all! It wasn't a conscious choice not to think, I just didn't, I just soaked up the fresh air and the blossoming sunlight and the calm
Yep, i do try to choose my timing and when there is a crisis i just pitch in any way i can. Although this person is so often in emotional crisis it's hard to tell. There is a real tendency to catastrophise everything... and when there is a single issue suddenly EVERYTHING is hopeless. Like i said, exhausting.
Hmm, good point It is exhausting, and I suppose you eventually have to count the cost of your assistance, is it affecting your own mental health, and is that worth helping your friend? Tough one.
Your Emotional HouseKeeping.
Reply With Quote
I find the best 'mental housekeeping' activity to be being alone, maybe walking along the beach in the early morning. When I was a kid we used to go to Albany a few times a year, and we stayed in a caravan park right near the beach. I'd wake up at 5am so I could walk myself to the beach and just sit there for an hour or two, away from my family, just being quiet and letting the cobwebs blow away. Mum said I was always calmer (read: less uptight) when I did that - but it had to be our secret, I wasn't allowed to tell Dad 
Bookmarks