Hi All.
Sara - Yes what you are saying makes sense, I felt after I lost my bubbies like a complete failure, angry, heartbroken, yes I rambled, thought of all of the 'what ifs'. Even months after, although it had eased I still had and do have my sad moments, but I go with it, feel what I need to feel and then go on. I am really torn at the moment whether I want any more or not, my last pregnancy wasn't planned and I wasn't sure if there was going to be anymore children, so I am wary of wanting more at this stage. I said I would give myself six months to think about it and not make any emotional decisions, well it has been nearly twelve months and I am still torn, another part of me is really terrified to REALLY want another baby as I know it isn't going to be straight forward, where as I was blessed with my boys to fall pregnant easily I don't know if I am ready to face the fact that I may not be able to fall pregnant again - see raving!!! I think sometimes you think the worst and hope for the best, it is a way to protect yourself, if you are waiting two years then that is okay, you are very young - set yourself up in life a little more, enjoy this time with your DF and get your body as ready as possible for your next pregnancy, see all the experts, and make sure you give yourself time to heal from your recent loss.
Belinda - thanks for your nice thoughts, keep those fingers crossed!!! I have Jasper home sick today, poor little thing has been throwing up HEAPS, I haven't known either of my boys to throw up so much, every 20 minutes at one stage!! He is looking a little brighter today. I hope your house sells, I don't think you are mad building again, I LOVED building my house!!! I think you do or you don't if you hated it the first time you would never do it again!! How exciting, choosing bricks, tiles carpets etc etc. I am jealous!!! We built in 99 and it would be great to move to something bigger.
When do you test? How does clomid work exactly, it stimulates ovulation doesn't it? See, this is why I am terrified to want to try again, you guys are all experts in all of this TTC and I am terrified to become one, you are very brave ladies, I am a big sook!!!! If my cycles are about 5 months would something like that help? Ohhhh see, starting to ask questions!!
Better go,
Meagan
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Thank you for your beautiful words 
Is your son called Jasper? I looooooooove the name Jasper! I bet he is a real cutie!
Every morning I have breakfast and a drink and bub wakes up and I feel a bit relieved for the day. Well this morning.........nothing. So I layed down and had cold drink, hot drink, cold drink, hot drink - nothing! I rang DH upset and confused because these things usually work to waking bubs up. So I called my ob and went up to the hospital for a CTG scan. I was petrified - it was the first time I have been back in the delivery suites since Cooper's birth. They hooked me up and to my relief there was the heartbeat.............bubs was in a funny position so I couldn't feel it moving - DOESN'T IT KNOW IT CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!!!!!! Anyway after calming down and coming home and resting, bubs has been a good little bubbie and is kicking away and letting me know all is ok. I hate these frights!! And to top it off my face has broken out!! 
I don't know if it is all the stress or what - anyway enough whinging from me today. Hope everyone is having a good day.
He is also sensitive, he would hate to think I was ever upset with him, but he get over things quickly, not like Josh who can be moody (although he has his little lovable traits to). And he often just comes up and cuddles me and tells me how much he loves me!! Mummies little man!!! 
Sending you and your dad heaps of positive vibes and that he is on the road to recovery very very soon 
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