Exclusive Expressers

[Lisa B]

Fleur - I contacted my local milk bank and they have a regulation that a mother needs to have blood tests prior to donating and then they can only take milk from the date it's approved. They and disappointed that they can't take my milk and are hoping the regulation will be changed in the future. I'm tossing up whether I should go through the process or not, particularly as I'm returning to work in a couple of months and hoping to reduce the number of pumps per day which may bring my supply down a bit. I'm not too worried as 6 months was my original BF goal so if my supply goes down then I will be at peace...I think...she says now!

Melbel - thanks for the Face book page and I think I will look into it as the hospital milk bank can't take my freezer stock. I had heard from someone that there was such a page but hadn't been able to find it. I don't particularly want to tip it down the sink and if someone is interested in my stock by all means they can have it. DP wouldn't mind the extra shelf space in the feezer..hehehe.
Unfortunately BF is over for us, we just couldn't overcome the problems we faced despite trying for 9 weeks. It got to the extent where DS went to the hospital ED for poor fluid intake and began to not only cry and the breast but also at the bottle. A fussy feeding expert at the hospital said I needed to concentrate on making feeding a pleasurable experience and I knew that the 9 weeks of attempting to BF weren't great for him as he cried at each and every attempted BF and never ever finished a feed. Sometimes I think about trying again as I wish we could BF but I don't want DS distressed and I don't want to bring back the memories of failure for myself. Perhaps I might try a bigger teat just to see how DS likes or doesn't like it.

[Fleur]

That's frustrating about the milk bank. Blood tests I think are standard, I had them, but they were happy to take previously expressed milk. I had forgotten about the facebook page though, that's a great idea. Did you find it? I can PM you the link if you need.

I know how hard it is to give up on breastfeeding. But time is a great healer, yadda yadda - it's true! - and these days I feel happier with our situation & how it ended up. You will be able to look back and feel proud of what you have achieved.

You should be proud, having come as far as you have. The first few months are the toughest. You are doing an awesome job.

[Lisa B]

Fleur - are you in Victoria? If so, which milk bank took your shelved milk? Yes thanks I did find the face book page. I will do a stock take later today to see how much milk I've got to part with.
Thanks for the encouragement. I do feel proud of coming this far. I sometimes can't believe it. I do still feel pain over the BF failure, but I know I've done the right thing by both of us. I'm relieved that I didn't have to move onto formula, although I respect and understand the women who have made that decision, it's just not for me.

[Fleur]

I'm in QLD. So no help to you there

Good luck moving your milk, keep us posted with how you go.

[CeCe]

Well, I've made it to 11mths . DH (and my Mum but that's another issue) has been asking when I'm going to stop pumping. I've just dropped to two pumps a day and with my frozen supplies still have enough to keep DS going but I'm not sure if I want to stop. Sure there are those times where it's a real effort to get the pump out, but putting it away forever also doesn't sit easily atm. DH says that it will free up time, and sure it will. There is no comfort involved to DS from EBM because it's delivered in a bottle, so I can't use that which I could if I was 'direct' BFing. I know WHO suggest 2yrs, but DH is sticking to DS can transition to cows milk from 12mths.

How did those of you who have been here come to the decision and manage it? I'm not sure if I'm trying to hang on for the benefit of DS since it's got me this far, if I'm just being stubborn or if it's because we probably wont have anymore children so I'm clinging to knowing I'm still nurturing my son with BM. It's a complete turn around in thinking. For 11 months it's been worrying about my supply keeping up and hopefully making enough to freeze, to now dropping sessions and starting to use up the freezer supply to see DS gets his daily requirements, and I'm struggling with it all.

[Lisa B]

No advice as I'm not there yet, but just wanted to congratulate you on your 11 month milestone. I can see how this stage up ends the ingrained thinking we have of 'keeping up our supply' which is never taken for granted. I admire the fact that not only have you gotten to 11 months but you can also contemplate going beyond.

[Fleur]

Cece,
I totally, totally understand your feelings - I could have written your post myself 12 months ago.

It was such a bittersweet thing to know I had reached my goal of 12 months but had to give it up. I know for me it was true what Lisa said, that feeling of needing to pump to keep up supply had become so ingrained - it took me ages each time I even reduced the number of pumps I was doing. And stopping altogether was too hard to get my head around.

Like you I had enough to have fed her for 12 months on frozen EBM but it became really important to me to pump for that long. It was a silly little thing maybe but it felt like it was all I had left. I had made such a huge emotional investment in that damn pump! as long as I was expressing, I was feeding my baby, and maybe even a small part of me that felt as long as I was expressing, she could have been BFing (even though she never did).

I can't explain it more than that, just that there definitely was a big emotional attachment to expressing, and it was hard. That's why the 12 month mark was a good one, it was a very solid point at which to say ' will stop here'. And my DH was happy to let me do what I needed but he also needed to know there was an end in sight.
And wow, when I realised this was my last pump, I cried & cried.

Whether you decide to keep going or stop here, you have done an amazing job. You should be proud (And FWIW, people said that to me & I didn't feel it then, but I do now).

Big big hugs

[CeCe]

Thanks ladies. It's so good to come in here and be understood. I'm planning to express until 12 months but it's all going through my mind. I've done a lot of reflecting today. In the early days when it became clear the only way for my DS to get BM was to express I prayed when I pumped nothing would come out because then I could tell everyone I tried my best but it didn't work. On the other hand I constantly worried that I wouldn't have enough milk to sustain my DS and carefully monitored the ins and outs of my expressed milk.

I think I need the 'milestone' to say I've done well and enough is enough. In the very early days it was "I'll force myself to make it to two weeks", "okay made it to two weeks, I'll go to three". It was around the 6 week mark I started looking at 3 months, then 6 then 12. I guess I haven't really thought past that, so maybe that's a good time to stop. I know this rationally, it's just emotionally coming to terms with this all.

Thanks again ladies.

[Lisa B]

We really need to write a book on the journey of EE, particularly the emotional and practical journey. You can get technical information about how to use, store and keep up supply with EBM but not on the other aspects which dominate our lives which are unique to EE. There is such similarity in the emotional journey we are on despite the different paths of how we got here.

[belfie]

Cece,
I totally, totally understand your feelings - I could have written your post myself 12 months ago.

It was such a bittersweet thing to know I had reached my goal of 12 months but had to give it up. I know for me it was true what Lisa said, that feeling of needing to pump to keep up supply had become so ingrained - it took me ages each time I even reduced the number of pumps I was doing. And stopping altogether was too hard to get my head around.

Like you I had enough to have fed her for 12 months on frozen EBM but it became really important to me to pump for that long. It was a silly little thing maybe but it felt like it was all I had left. I had made such a huge emotional investment in that damn pump! as long as I was expressing, I was feeding my baby, and maybe even a small part of me that felt as long as I was expressing, she could have been BFing (even though she never did).

I can't explain it more than that, just that there definitely was a big emotional attachment to expressing, and it was hard. That's why the 12 month mark was a good one, it was a very solid point at which to say ' will stop here'. And my DH was happy to let me do what I needed but he also needed to know there was an end in sight.

Oh geez Fleur - there you go saying EXACTLY what i felt again . Seriously I almost cried reading your words. Couldn't have written it better myself, and re-reading that just took me back. I really can't add much cos i'm just sitting here going "yeah, what she said, what she said!".

CeCe - it's a funny thing isn't it, all those little milestones, and they add up & up and one day you just can't believe you're contemplating 12 months! FWIW I know my DH early on thought that going to 12 months was an absolute pipe dream, but then he could see i was happy to get there. And honestly I found the last 6 months was soooo much easier. Just like Fleur (of course!) I too found it really hard to cut down. Weaning took me aaaaages! And I ended up going to 13 months. I also went back to work at 12 months so I guess that helped my decision to stop. I sometimes wondered afterwards whether I wished I'd gone longer, but I also felt I had to find a stopping point somewhere - so 12 months was a good point for me. I guess the funny thing is that there's so much written out there about the grief & sadness that can go with weaning from BF... but I think most folks who haven't EE'd just don't realise that there is still the same process. Maybe it's a bit greater? It's almost definitely a bit different to the grief of stopping BF'ing but the truth is that you've worked your bottom off. You've sweated & counted mls, and watched precious drops falling into the bottle - hoping they'll be enough. It becomes a way of life and it's a big wrench to change that. And i think very few of our networks IRL realise that. No-one says "gee, you must miss providing for your child and seeing all those glorious bottles of milk in the fridge". But of course you do on one level. And on another level, freedom from the pump is glorious too. And I think folks think oh but it's so easy to just give them something else in the bottle. But it's not. I remember feeling like I'd betrayed my DS when I started putting cow's milk in his bottle!!! So go gently with yourself as you work out the best time for you to stop. And come in here to help work out how you feel - it's really important.

And of course I have to reiterate - you have done a wonderful, awesome, amazing job. I know the hours you've spent pumping litres & litres of love. Congratulate yourself, reward yourself, be kind to yourself. I know for me... nearly 2 years after finishing pumping... I am still so proud of myself. I will ALWAYS be happy with what I did - and it's the best feeling in the world (ok... tearing up again!). But I'm so happy you're going to make your milestone - and I'd love to laugh, cry, cheer & celebrate your monumental journey too .

LisaB - omg you are so right! Here was thinking I'd just write a quick post... and all this stuff came out . It's a unique position to be in, and I think, sometimes hard for others to understand - a very exclusive club hey? . How are you going?

[Fleur]

It becomes a way of life and it's a big wrench to change that. And i think very few of our networks IRL realise that. No-one says "gee, you must miss providing for your child and seeing all those glorious bottles of milk in the fridge". But of course you do on one level. And on another level, freedom from the pump is glorious too. And I think folks think oh but it's so easy to just give them something else in the bottle. But it's not. I remember feeling like I'd betrayed my DS when I started putting cow's milk in his bottle!!! So go gently with yourself as you work out the best time for you to stop. And come in here to help work out how you feel - it's really important.

yeah that!!!! ^^

It's a wonderful thing to have this thread. It was a lifeline for me the whole way through. Belfie you are so right, I don't think IRL people who haven't made the EE journey can really understand it (as with most things, I guess). They just think it's letting go of the burden of the pump. But it's letting go of much more than that.

[*The_Mrs.*]

Hello Ladies...

I didn't go very far but soley EBM with DD for a month and a half. She was so tiny we had horrid attachement issues. Plus the nurses gave her a bottle behind my back in the hospital and she had officially became a bottle baby..

I had to stop because it was giving me severe depression that I couldnt breastfeed...I wish I would have continued but..here we are

[CeCe]

.
I guess the funny thing is that there's so much written out there about the grief & sadness that can go with weaning from BF... but I think most folks who haven't EE'd just don't realise that there is still the same process. Maybe it's a bit greater? It's almost definitely a bit different to the grief of stopping BF'ing but the truth is that you've worked your bottom off.

Not knowing from experience, but I'd think it would be different, and for me the second time around that I'm grieving this process. I really grieved when attachment failed and EE became the only way for us. This is different but it's the end of something too. And unlike BFing can be, it's my decision alone as DS isn't rejecting the breast or milk to help in that decision.

The Mrs. Sorry you've had that experience, but really glad you found this thread. It wasn't until I found this thread that I felt it was a 'recognised' way of feeding my DS. Before then I felt like some weird person who was somewhere inbetween breastfeeding and formula feeding. I remember the depression creeping in on me when attachment failed and I had outside pressure to express. They were dark days for me and I'm not sure how I got through them. I hope you know/feel you did the best thing for your little one at the time and under the circumstances because you did.

[Lisa B]

Belfie - thanks for asking after me. As my sig. says I;ve hit the 4 month mark. Having a bit of an 'i'm over it phase' but i know it will pass. I had a few issues with a burst vein on a couple of occasions which has contributed to this feeling. I;m on motilium now and my supply is heaps better so i'm starting to slowly wind back one of my 2 night time expresses ready for my return to work in Sept. I have to inch it back due to issues with blocked ducts if i let it go too long between pumps.

Cece - yes I understand the grief on letting BF go. If I scratch to far under the surface mine is still there.

Mrs S - I was borderline PND for a period of time when I was failing at each attempted BF. My hospital record deemed me as 'highly anxious' and my Edinburgh PND test was borderline. It was very stressful as I just wanted to be able to feed my baby and I think my feelings were totally normally for what I was going through. It wasn't a true PND as it was specific to a particular issue. I somehow moved passed it and accepted that the attachment was going to take longer, until my DS decided that enough was enough and I ended up EE. EE isn't what I wanted but I'm satisfied that I'm still providing for my baby and my body can at least give him some of my love. You will find a lot of knowledge here in this thread that you can't get elsewhere. I found it helpful to go back through the thread and read others experiences. The women on here past and present have been really inspirational and made this road seem possible with some hard work. The website Kellymom has a lot of information on exclusive pumping and I learnt a lot of the do's and don'ts about handling BM, keeping up the supply etc...discovering that I made a few mistakes in my early days of handling BM.

[*The_Mrs.*]

Lisa B.- thanks that was helpful. It really did hurt a ton when I couldnt bf. I had bought all of this bf stuff and I didnt even buy bottles when DD was born because I was determined to soley bf. It was so depressing to see that DD preferred a bottle over my nipple. Now that I am PG again I am hvaing some old emotions pop up that concern me. I am worried that this baby wont bf as well. Yet, after reading this thread it gives me hope to exclussivley EBM. I felt good doing it with DD but after awhil I thought people would think me weird because I soley EBM. This thread makes me feel a bit better and I will check out that site as well.

[Fleur]

Lisa, glad to hear things are getting better for you. I remember going thorugh an 'over it' stage at about the same point as you & I was seriously considering stopping at 6 months. I think the 4 mth mark is a bit of a hump; but you are doing so well, and as you say, you know it will pass. It's great that your supply is better & you can start to wind back your night pumps!

Jessica, having a difficult experience the first time around can certainly make breast feeding a daunting prospect next time around Belfie has an awesome thread on here about what she did her second time around, I will see if I can find it & link for you.

ETA - two threads-
not a birth story... but something just as big

Breastfeeding plan

[Lisa B]

Fleur - thanks, yes it's a bit of hump with the breast issues combined with trying to occupy my DS at his new stage of development, but I'm still going. I'm excited about getting more than 3 hours of sleep in a row at night due to pumping...I think I"m up to 4 hours now! I'm trying to shift the pump by 30 minutes a week until I"m doing a 10.30pm and then a 6am pump. Hopefully I will be there by September.

The Mrs - sorry I misunderstood, I thought you were currently EE. I understand your nervousness about BF this time around. I think if I'm lucky enough to have another baby that I will be highly anxious about BF the second time so I think your feelings are normal. Perhaps you will be able to BF this time around, and you might have a better idea of the type of help you need to enlist before your bub arrives. The plan that Belfie had and the link Fleur posted to it looks really good and is a story of hope for us for the next time. I think the key might be in the planning now you know the difficulties you faced, although I myself have reservations about getting it right next time. EE is always a backup if you can juggle the demands it poses but if you can get BF to happen it would be so much easier. Just remember that you have to do what feels right for you, and your relationship with your children IMO is more important that the feeding method. If you can BF great, but if you can't well you can't. Stepping out on a limb here, I think the proposition that we can all BF is a myth...although I do agree that with the right support most of us can. So, try and get the right support and do your best, but if you do your best and it doesn't work take heart that you tried and make the most of what you can do.

Okay, I had better get on the pump as my DS is just nodding off to sleep...I only get about a 30-40 minute sleep between his feeds.

[CeCe]

Seems DS is helping me in my decision as he's refused nearly all milk the last two days. I just hope he gets his appetite for it back because I couldn't bear to throw out all the freezer stock.