..... I’ve been exclusively expressing for my DS for 13 weeks as we had so many problems with establishing BF, or as I tend to think of it these days, direct BF.

I often feel I’ve taken the easy way out by expressing, but then when I think of all that is involved I remind myself it’s not necessarily the easy option. There are the bottles, feeding DS then setting time aside to express which is particularly difficult lately when he has wind and won’t settle. I feel sad when I see a mother BF in public and I pull out a bottle, even though I know it’s EBM, I still judge myself (note, I’m much harsher and more judgemental on myself, so no judgement is intended on those that FF – I was almost down that path).

I’ve always wanted to BF so was devastated when it wasn’t happening for us. I think I’m only just coming to terms with what happened in the post-natal ward that undermined my confidence to BF my son. In the early days when I was expressing whilst struggling to get DS to attach I wished that the midwives would give me the okay to stop trying, or that my milk would dry up so I could FF without the guilt of making that decision, but at the same time I would constantly worry about my supply and went on maxilon to increase it. I’m pleased to say that as I look back I’m thankful of the midwives guidance, praise and encouragement. I’m also pleased to look in the freezer and see the 40 to 50 bags of EBM. I also get great joy and consolation in gazing into my DS’s eyes when I’m giving him his bottle.

I’m really pleased we’ve made it this far. In the early days I couldn’t see further than a week at a time, and definitely couldn’t see making it to three months, but I’m now aiming for 6.

I still struggle when people ask if I’m BFing. My DH asked the other day when was the last time I tried to get DS on the breast and I couldn’t really remember. I reminded him and myself that for us the important thing is he’s getting breast milk, not the way in which he gets it.

Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out.