Huge hugs
It can be devastating when things don't come out the way you thought they would, especially when it feels like so much of it is beyond your control, or beyond what you can see / deal with at the time.
I hear you on the BF question. I never knew exactly how to answer & would say something clunky like 'yes... well no, we are expressing fulltime but she has breast milk, so kind of.. I'm lactating...'
You are doing a wonderful thing giving your boy EBM, so NOT the easy road at all! I know that doesn't completely ease the feelings of disappointment (I still have them!) but you should be proud of yourself.
Have you checked out the Exclusive Expressers thread?