I'm really struggling to make a choice about this at the moment.
For a while I was planning to wait until Imran was 4 or 5 before making any choices but now I'm sure that I don't want 4 and I'm worried that if I leave it too long that number 3 will be the odd one out.
On the other hand I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't cope with 3 right now.
Part of me would love a little girl but another part of me thinks that I wouldn't have a clue how to raise a daughter.
As much as I loved my boys as new borns I think I prefer them older - I like being able to leave them with DH while I go out for a while and I'm not sure I want to go back to all the new-born stuff.
I would love to hear people's thoughts on the topic especially if you have 3 children or decided against 3 children.
Dach I am not sure if you saw the thread I started on how people chose the number of children they would like - that might help you? I wouldl ike 3 close together in age but I am lately wondering whether I could cope with 3 littlies.....
I will be interested to see what other ladies have to say.
Oooh...I am currently thinking along the same lines and would love to hear people's thoughts! I haven't even birthed #2 yet, but am already wondering if we should have a third and if so, should we have it sooner rather than later.
Dach,I'll be honest, and admit that this is still a really tough one for me to answer.
As you know, Lexie was an ooopsie baby.
Before I had her, I only ever wanted 2. I felt totally complete at 2.
But now that I have her, I love her more than life itself and wouldn't be without her.
BUT, here's the thing: I STILL only think that 2 is the "right" amount for us. (You can only imagine how guilty that makes me feel!). Sometimes when she is napping and I am playing with Olivia and Charlie, I nearly "forget" about her......how awful is that?!
Maybe its the age thing. They are all very close in age, but Olivia and Charlie play together (ie in the garden, at the park.....their activities are the same. Whereas Lexie is still a baby girl who sits on her bottom, so doesn't get involved, IYKWIM? Maybe this is why I find it "inconvenient"?? (Maybe I just need to get over myself and be patient until Lexie "catches up" IYKWIM?!
I love having 3, and I love watching them together, and I have an immense love for each of them, but on a practical level (me being a control freak!) I find 3 littlies is a shocker....cars, nappies, strollers etc and all that performance! Just an example.....but poor Lexie is missing out on swimming as Charlie and Olivia need a parent each in the pool........so Lexie misses out...(only for the timebeing, obviously, but it still bothers me......)
Anyway, I am not being much help am I?
Either way babe, maybe this gives you something to chew on? (And I hope I have not come across as heartless about my little Lexie!)
Oh Chloe, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have just gone through the exact same thing. (I am using the past tense because I think I have made a decision I am comfortable with, just have to hope the hormones don't try to change my mind!). We had planned to have 2 and DH was getting snipped once no 2 was born. But a day after Tom's birth, I felt like I needed another baby. So I didn't let DH get snipped and we took some time to think it over. My reasoning has been the same as yours except that I am already 37 so no 3 would have to be soon.
Finally, after much debating and proing and conning, we have both decided to stick to 2. Our main reasons are - I don't think I could manage 3 atm - 2 close together is a lot of work, especially if they are sick, teething etc and need more attention than usual
-I think with 3 close together, at least one of them is going to miss out a lot of the time.
- The stress that it would put on me, DH and our marriage would not be worth the joys of having a beautiful little newborn and would ultimately hurt the kids we already have and love
- With my age we don't have the option of waiting much longer - personal choice though
- DH and I were both one of 3 kids and always felt like one missed out from parents, and from each other, at each age 2 would be friends and 1 wouldn't
- I am just starting to enjoy Thomas getting older and being a bit less dependent. I'm not sure I want to go back to having a dependent one again (not so soon again).
- I think the only reason I wanted another was bcos newborns are so beautfiul and cuddly - and they grow out of that pretty quickly, especially mine!
- Like you, I had thought maybe a girl would be nice - but then we would have girl issues as well as boy issues, and the odds are it would be another boy anyway.
- What's to say I would be happy with 3, maybe then I would long for 4
So there you have it. We are going to remain a family of four (I'm pretty sure LOL) and I think for us it is definitely the right decision. I HTH you somewhat. Good luck with your decision.
We have two girls almost 18 months apart and are looking forward to the prospect of another baby, hopefully a boy next time around. I'm wondering about how to look after a boy, I've found the girls fairly easy to care for.
I have a few friends who have three children and they all say that with having three children there is always one that is missing out on something because they pair up and they wish that they had gone on to have number four to even things out. That said, whenever I have observed the relationships of my friends children they all get along very well.
I have always wanted three or four children, mostly I think because I was raised an only child and my mother waited until I was one month shy of 21 before giving me a brother.
I understand the newborn reluctance especially with a couple of older children as mine no longer have regular naptimes, meaning I wouldn't be able to catch up on lost sleep from nighttime feedings. Lost sleep = grumpy mummy
And, no Lucy you haven't come across as heartless. I'm sure there are many people out there like you who feel this way but are too concerned about what other people may think of them if they knew the truth.
I have always said that the jump from 2 children to 3 children was the biggest culture shock for me. It was a big adjustment, and the logistics of it was something I wasn't prepared for, and I think Lucy covered those quite nicely. Two parents for 2 children just works, and then number 3 comes long and it's like everyone has to learn new rules to the same game. It was probably the most difficult of transitions. That's my own feeling on it.
From DS2's POV, I do think he was the odd one out, to be honest, and as he was 2 and a 1/2 years younger than DS1 and the two older kids were only 19 months apart, they very much left him out for most of his life.
In the long run that hasn't turned out to be a bad thing as now that DS2's 13, he's independant, has his own mind, is not a follower and is an all round good boy, but I do think the exclusion he felt in his childhood, while strengthening his character, was probably something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and it broke my heart on many occasions. Of course this doesn't happen in every family, though.
But I do understand worrying about your biological clock if you're wanting 4. It's not an easy decision and I reckon I probably didn't help one bit but thought I'd give you some perspective to chew on.
Last edited by sushee; May 11th, 2009 at 10:52 AM.
We are onto #2 now and most def will be a 3rd. We would like a large family (4-6 kids)...but will ask myself the same question after the 3rd bubby comes along. All our kids will be close in age no matter what (lol... look at 1 and 2....pg 6 weeks after Chelsea was born). I think this comes from the fact theres 10.5 years betwen my sis and me... and theres a 3 yr gap between DH and his bro... and to us thats too big of a gap.
I guess it depends on finance, housing, car...alot of issues to consider.
I have an extra issue. XP and i broke up so my next kid will be a half-sibling to DD and we will be a step-family. I really want more children, not least because i adore my DP and making him a father would be a privilege and a joy, but also because i am the youngest of 6 (also a step family, 4 half-siblings) and an only child seems bizarre to me.
BUT i am worried about how Esme will cope. Will she feel like an "outsider" because her siblings daddy lives with them and hers never did (unless she can remember being 3 months old)? If i have more than one child with DP (i'd happily have 2 and possibly even more) will she feel "out-numbered" by the "new" ones? I know to an extent these things can be countered by how DP, XP and I all behave within our extended family, but equally it still worries me.
On the other hand XP and I are good mates and DP and XP get on ok, so DP and i could have 2 and there'd still be a "parent each" for all 3 kids if need be.
I think if i was going to have 3 and i already had 2 i'd have the next one without too much of a longer gap than was between the first 2, kwim? Only because as Lucy says, when there's 2 together they can play together but unless you want 4 waiting a long time between 2 and 3 might mean #3's a bit out there on their own. Obviously Esme was a oops baby too and if you get blessed with one of those you just have to assume the baby themself knew the best time to sneak in.
Hi Dach,
Interesting thread. I have one DD with one on the way. I have always only wanted 2 until now. I want 5+! My reasoning is I want my daughters later in life to have siblings they can turn to. A family they can rely on just in case Im not here for them. Im a loner in my family and its hard I don’t want them to experience that emptiness. Im prepared to have as many (within reason) as my body can give to me before Im too old. Does that sound silly?
K
Thanks for all your replies they've been a great help.
Lucy, you didn't come across at all heartless. I know how much you love little Lexie and after reading your post I can see some advantages to a bigger gap than I could before.
Niass, thanks for the vote of confidence re having a little girl. Your comment about older women wishing for more did make me think that it would be better to take my chance than to regret what I didn't do iykwim.
Now that I've read everyone's answers I'm much more comfortable with just postponing the desicion for a while. I was kind of panicing that if I didn't start TTC soon that it would be too late and the gap would be too big but now I'm thinking that maybe it's ok to have a bigger gap so I can wait a while and then decide what's right for us.
DH isn't much help - he's happy with 2 but he would be happy with 3 too....
Hoobley, i'm with you in the fact that DD is almost 6 and I'm not with her dad, havent been since she was 15 months. I've been with DP now for almost 2 years and i'm scared that having another one would be hard when DP is 'dad' to one and not to DD. They get along great and he is really good to her, but its still in my mind.
Secondly, if anything happened between DP and I it would mean me having 2 kids to 2 dads and not being with any of them which I wouldn't like at all.
As much as I'd like to believe in happily ever after there are no guarnatees and that scares me. All I've known really is doing it alone and I'd be scared to be in a place where I was doing it alone with 2 kids, although I know many many people do and do a wonderful job of it.
I would love 3, but I'm going to have my big gap between 1 and 2. Just because you're siblings doesn't mean that you're friends or that you even want to be in the same county, let alone house.
Dach, I'm sure you'll be great with a girl. You seem like a great person and a great mummy, I'm sure having a girl will enable you to be a great mummy to a girl.
Lucy, I adore DS and when he's asleep forget about him too! I can be out for a walk and look down and wonder why I have a pushchair with a sleeping bub in it!
Dee i'm lucky in that i've already been with DP a year (we don't live together yet) and the last few months he has been spending a little time with esme (an hour once a fortnight or so, not much, but enough for them to get to know one another - she loves him and he loves her, no worries so far) so hopefully we'll be having kids before Esme is in school, but i guess you never know...
I guess we have to choose one way or another - at the moment i'm thinking, ok, i don't want to hurt DD, but it's more important to me that she grows up in a bigger family and has all that can offer - my half-sister and I are really close and i don't want her to miss that! There's 16 years between us 2 so a big age gap can work just as well i suppose. BUT goodness knows if i'll be thinking this way when it comes time to ttc with DP!
I am OK with odd numbers......I am one of 5 and no middle child syndrome in our family. DH is one of 3, and no middle child syndrome there either.
Charlie is our "middle child". LOL. There is no way never he will ever suffer!
Isn't it funny how OUR childhood experiences affect our perceptions and wants for the future?!
Bec and Dee
My siblings and I are halves.......we all have the same Dad. My Dad was married to his first wife, had 3
children, then sadly his first wife died. He then met and married my Mum, and they went on to have me and my younger brother. So my elder brothers and sister are "halves". For me, it was an amazing childhood, as I had ready made heros! There is a nine year gap. I adore my elder siblings, & as a family we have never differentiated at all between "full" or "half" IYKWIM?
It worked so well for us, I kind of sometimes feel regretful that I don't have age and time on my side to give another few children the opportunity....but if I waited 9 years, I am practically drawing the pension, LOL! But it worked brilliantly in my family......not sure if that reasurres? xx
It does, thanks Lucy - you know, you are my secret parenting mentor. It was the toothbrushing advice that did it - bloody genius!
I'm a half sibling and it never seemed odd to me, but of course DD's point of view she would be like my sister, though we've had a lovely heart to heart this evening and i don't think she'd have it any other way. I really do think any difficulties from having a step-family are outweighed by having more siblings and a larger family. For all my childhood wasn't perfect there was a lot of love around with 6 kids (there's 22 years between the oldest and the youngest). The main difference is that their dad was nowhere to be seen whereas XP is very much her father and involved daily with her life.
I am the middle child & have idea what the syndrome is that I should be suffering from..? So I dont think odd numbers are bad!
Chloe having just had our 3rd, yep it's been a bit of a change, but one I cherish...
Also Maddy is to my XP, whom has no contact with us at all, I have been with DH since she was 2yrs old & they are close as can be & there's no difference between her relationship with DH or his with Indah & Zyon..
I also had the shock of having 2 girls & knowing what/how to look after the & then a boy was thrown in to the mix & it's been a learning curve, but again I'm loving it totally...
So 2 or 3 boy or girl... you will know when the time comes!
Apparently in about 7 months I will be a qualified midwife - yikes!
1,248
I would have to say that so far, I am loving having all 3 of my boys close. While my 3yo and 1yo are very demanding, they always were, so I don't really feel like things have got worse there iykwim.
We were only ever going to have 2 kids, then after DS2 felt that I needed another ( just not so soon) Now after having DS3, I am still feeling that I have not finished, just not sure if it will be 1 more or 2 more.
I was going to wait till these 3 are all at school, but I am thinking that even if the first 2 were at school then I would be right, so maybe 3 years. I want them still to be relatively close in age incase we decide that 4 is it for me.
Both DH and I are from families of 4, so the large family is normal for us as well.
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