How do you move past not having anymore children??

[Freya]

Its killing me. I thought I was ok with being 3 and done. Up until a few weeks ago. After undertaking full time Uni studies and having to put the kids in daycare 3 days a week and spend a whole lot more time studying instead of being with them, I came to realise how much I enjoy being a mother, a SAHM and that I didnt feel "done" having kids. Ive always wanted 4 kids; but after a few fertility issues we agreed to take it as we go. Luckily by #3 our problems appear to have resolved.

The only problem is Dh is DONE. Or so he says. He stated quite a few fairly legitimate reasons why being done is a good thing but they arent anything that cant be 'overcome'. He is still adamant on being done. So I decided to let it go.

But its breaking my heart. Im so angry inside that he isnt even willing to really think about how Im feeling. Im trying to get past it but its like a ghost thats haunting me. When I told him I was letting it go; but that I still want another baby and that is never going to change, he made promises to me about focusing on our family, about letting me have a life back now I am not pregnant or breastfeeding; now that the kids arent wholly dependent on me for everything. That lasted oh about 5min, now he still spends most of his time playing computer games, whinges if I even mention organising a night out, still whinges about not getting enough sleep because the kids occasionally hop in our bed for awhile if they have a nightmare or I want them to sleep a little longer. All things he brought up as reasons why our family is fine as it is. All things that another baby would add to but if we are still having to do it then what does it matter?

I just dont know how to move forward from here. I want to cry here and there everyday when it hits me that this is it; Im done whether I like it or not. I adore my boys and another one would make me infinitely happy regardless of how tough it would be. I just dont understand why he doesnt feel the same.



ETA - I want him to get a vasectomy because hormonal birth control just isnt working for me anymore and I dont particularly see the point in being on bc if he is so adamant we are done. But he is refusing on the grounds that he might change his mind on another baby one day..............but that we would NOT have one if he did because the age gap would be too big. Which infuriates me no end. Even my MIL who was not keen at all on us having #3 and voiced her support for him to have a vasectomy after #2 is expecting us to have another eventually. She even asked me if we had made a decision about it yet; I couldnt even bring myself to say he was refusing because he was done and I was not.

[Olive]

i love to know too hun!!

i cry when i see babies on tv, birth shows etc... not sure i'll ever get over not having any more.. but im trying to look to the future and see all the things we can do as a family together, things are easier now... im also hoping to study soon (nursing then mid. so knowing that i can study what i really want to do in life somehow makes it a little easier.

[Catastrophic]

I would like to know tooo! Your pretty much describing me :-( It's hard not knowing if I am done or not... I would loveeeeeeeee another one (shoooo!) But Because DP is sooo against it, i just tell people that we're done and it breaks my heart!

[Toomanytoomany]

I found it really hard when we had #4, and that was going to be our last. Dh was definitely done, I felt that maybe I could handle another one, and that turned into a secret yearning that I never really confessed to.

Fate took it out of our hands and we had an unintentional pregnancy. Dh actually handled it really well, and we were both very excited by the time she came, even though it was a really tough time for us to be having another child. He said to me later that he still had this niggling feeling that he never wanted to admit that he wanted another child.

We were both totally done when we found out we were having Mr T - that was a huge shock to both of us. Bizarrely, having Mr T re-awakened my baby lust. I was terrified when dh went to have the snip that I'd be utterly grief stricken. Strangely though, once he had the snip and it was no longer an option, that longing just disappeared.

I know that's not much help to you and I'm just rambling!

What I will say is that, for now, your dh is done. Okay, for now, he is. You won't be having another baby just yet. But given time, he may soften. It may not be a forever thing. And even if things don't change with your dh, you may be more at peace with it all as time goes by.

The way he behaves though is a separate issue - if he were being kind to you and trying to live up to his promises, that would be one thing, but he's not. I suspect that quite apart from the baby issue, his unwillingness to support you in your dreams and aspirations *full stop* is an issue that you probably both need to work on. I feel for you, I really do.

[LimeSlice]

Ok...firstly,
I understand completely how you feel. DH and I were never going to have kids - because he didnt want any - at all. EVER.
So I had to make the choice many years ago now - DH or kids. I chose DH and it was HARD. So o hard and heartbreaking.
Then Charlotte came along, and he was a bit slow to begin with, but was so excited and came around byt he time I was 4 months pregnant (I was certain he wanted her by then I mean.)
He has never wanted anymore. This is something I have had to learn to live with. And it is really difficult emotionally when you are so sure you aren't done yourself.

Having said all that... You have said a couple of things which worry me. I worry in that you seem to dismiss his feelings as much as you say he is dismissing yours. "I just dont understand why he doesnt feel the same." Everyone is going to have different views on how many they want, and he simply doesn't want anymore. You seem to want him to "overcome" his own reasons and bend to you wanting more kids.

My personal opinion on this is you are heading down a messy path if you keep trying to find reasons and ways to change his mind. A child is the sum of two people and one desire. Not two people and one with a twisted arm...and if you DO manage to change his mind byt shooting down his reasons (which you admit are reasonable) you will never be certain if it is really what he wants....or worse, it is something he will throw in your face down the line iykwim.

There are two issues you mention in your post, and I think it is really imprtant to keep them seperate. 1 - To have or not have more kids and 2 - your family and spousal dynamic of how to care for the ones you have.
Having another child will not solve his reluctance to be as involved in the ways you would like. And you need to address this issue before the question of more kids even enters the equation.

You guys have had kids fairly quick succession - you have 3 under 3 don't you? Perhaps he is tired. The notion of another one now may be very daunting for him. A couple of years down the track his feelings may very well change. My DH came to me late last year and wanted to have another one. I was beside myself! Those plans are now on hold while we work on some fairly heavy marital issues first. I hope when we are back on track he still wants a son.

Anyway, in terms of how YOU deal with not having more... I can only tell you how I did it. I focused on what I had. I made plans and set goals for myself. I focused on a life with me and DH and our relationship at the centre. Of course they are all out the window now mostly but it worked very well. You have a brilliant opportunity here now to begin to plan a future for your and your family. Focus on that. Live for that.
You WILL NOT change his mind by harping on about it, or by trying to manipulate his feelings, or by trying to discredit his legitimate reasons for deciding against having any more kids - trust me, BTDT
Take the time to think about what you want ot acheive in your life totally seperate from children. For you. Concentrate on your studies, your career path ahead of you. Your success and happiness as a woman, as a human, is not dependant on how many kids you have. And you have 3 awesome boys already. Find some other things to measure your life and achievement by and you will be amazed at how fulfilled you discover you really are and can be.

Hmm does that sound harsh? Sorry if it does. I totally understand how you are feeling, I have been through it, and out the other side again and then to have one and be told no more, is harder than being prevented from having any to begin with! The yearning is strong and there really is only one way to move on, and that is to move on.

And remember, people change all by themselves....especially men

[blackduckies]

It is so hard when one person does'nt want to go there, partically hard if you are the person who wants to go there!!! A bit like sex in a marriage if someone says No they get there way usually...otherwise it is a sort of violation and trust and respect go out the window.

I was very nervous when after baby no 3 I felt unfinished..it took me a couple of months to brooch the subject with DH and was over the moon when he agreed straight away..I think part of the reason for both of us was our son became really sick and i think we both thought how lucky we were that we did'nt lose him, the only thing that seemed important was our kids...baby girl no 4 came into our lives after and 3 MC's and 18 monts of trying, then we have just had no 5 a little miracle girl..very unexpected and she came into being on the eve of DH's vastectomy..after I thought I had o'd etc.

If your DH has truely finished I think it is very unfair of him not to go the vasectomy track..you have done your bit and if he does'nt want anymore I think he should step up to the plate!!!! Maybe tell him you will be going off birth control in a certain time frame and it will now be up to him to take birth control matters into his own hands..there is only a certain amount of time a woman can keep going down that track and whenyour family is suposed to be finished you just don't want to be doing that, whatever that is the pill, IUD etc.

I wish you the very best of luck, I hope your DH is fair to you and stops sending mixed messages..I am so glad that my family is now complete and DH has had his vasectomy and it is all final. You eventaully get to that point that it becomes a happy time knowing that a decision has been made one way or another.

[Just Me]

DH and I are also trying to come to terms with the possibility of no more babies, but then neither of us are sure that we want this to be it. We have always wanted 4 kids but I have had GD for my last 2 pg and I had a c/s with my last baby. My iron is really low and I am having trouble getting on top of it. Pg and breastfeeding has taken it's toll and we don't know that it is a good idea healthwise for me to have another. If I get GD again, I am almost guaranteed to become type 2 diabetic in the next ten years.

But then, even if I have one more, I don't know if I will ever feel done. I think I could keep wanting just one more forever, but I have to know when to stop and I am not sure whether one more is the right choice or not.

There are also things we want to do as a family and having one more is going to make a huge difference to how we do those things. It probably isn't that big a deal, but we don't want to resent a fourth baby (it sounds terrible, but we want to make sure that we can make it feel loved and wanted before we have it).

DH is happy with 3, but very happy to have a 4th also. I think in someways I would love him to have an opinion either way so that I can blame him down the track if I am not happy about it (that is me being totally honest ). I have told him that is how I feel. I just want someone else to make the decision for me.

I have days where my greatest desire is to have another baby and it is all I can think about. I have moments of complete clarity that this is exactly what I want. I have other moments of complete clarity where I think I can handle not having another baby because it is best for our family, for my health.

It is such a difficult decision and I am so torn. I realise that it is not exactly the same situation as yours but I think some of the struggles are the same. I don't have any answers, but I would love to know how to find peace with knowing that you have your last baby.

to you Freya. It is not easy but I hope that you can find the peace you need soon

[anney]

From someone who tried for 5 years for another child, you can move on. But I only moved on as I came to terms that at 45 I was probably fertility wise, incapable of having another child. When there is NO WAY it can happen then you have no choice but move on. But I suspect it is much harder to move on where there is still a chance.

[Freya]

Im so glad Im not the only person who has been here.

Lime - not harsh at all, sometimes honest words are good for a jolt of common sense.

I think my biggest issue is I agree with him on large age gaps; if he were to change his mind in 3yrs it would really put me in a bad spot because life will have moved on then whether my urge to have another has or hasnt, the older boys are quite close together and I have bad experiences from having siblings so far apart after two close together in my own sibling-dynamic so it doesnt appeal to me to do that, esp if it were another boy. And he feels the same way.

I know my husband though and I KNOW that the chance of him changing his mind down the track is HIGH, but sticking to his guns about the age gaps. That would kill me. I would never forgive him. Ever. He makes comments all the time, even infront of friends and family, that indicate he wouldnt be impartial to another baby but then when I ask him about it he flat out refuses he did so in the first place. He is bad at making decisions; on everything, and its usually me that has to finally do it. He wasnt particularly keen on having #3 either because he would have been fine with 2, or 1, or none. But now he wouldnt have it any other way; he adores Ds3.

I guess Im mostly mad that when I bring up having a vasectomy then (we arent beholden to the over 30 rule because the military organise and pay for their medical issues) ; he gets all “what if I change my mind? Its going to hurt” lines but I think if he is that sure he is done then it’s the right thing to do. And if its done, then I will have to move on from this pain of not having anymore because no matter how much I want it it cant physically happen. Add some finality to the situation. I may be devastated at no more and sometimes pushy but Im not stupid.

[Cocolove]

Im in the exact same boat, I want one more DH says hell no but wont get a vasectomy and when I ask why he gets a grin and says "I dont know"...go figure

[~Kim~]

hun. I truely know that feeling of still having the chance but not being able to make it happen.
Our dynamic is a little different in that both of us wanted 4 and probably would be well on our way to #3 at the moment except that pregnancy and I don't get along.
Someone else set the boundary for me and told us no more. The strain on my health and the concern for any baby would be too great.
At first I found it incredibly hard to deal with and was trying to think of all the ways under the sun around it, but Anney and LS are right - you just get on with it.
I have breathed in my little guy and watched his every move trying to remember and hang onto it. I don't want to miss it waiting for something else to happen, so those preoccupying thoughts just got replaced.
Basically my thinking is, that what happens in one, two, three years time will happen anyway. Instead of tearing yourself up about 'what-ifs' and 'whens', now is very soon was, and it doesn't come back.

[LimeSlice]

Indecision is really difficult to handle, especially with such a serious matter.
FWIW though, DH also refused to get a vas, even though he was very very adamant he never wanted any...he mentioned a few reasons, one was of course he may change his mind and wanted the option, the other reasons were more difficult to conceive - like what happens if I die? And he remarries and decides to have kids? Or if we separate, etc.
There are so many reason for men not to have a vas, and although it is a simple procedure, even compared with a woman having her tubes done, most men I know, finished with kids, 10 kids, 1 or not wanting any, they just won't contemplate the finality of such a procedure.
Pretty much the same reasons you can think of not to have your tubes tied, are the very same he won't in all likelihood, seriously consider getting a vasectomy.

Give him time hun..perhaps you can see a councellor together and discuss the reasons for and against and give uyou both an outlet to speak openly and honestly about the whole topic.

[Freya]

Oh but he would gladly send me off to get my tubes tied. If I told him right now, Im off to get my tubes tied, he'd be happy as larry. Thats what pee's me off. I dont see why I should have to stay on birth control forever (when it doesnt agree with me anymore) or go through yet another surgery and more scarring, because HE doesnt want more. I would have another one tomorrow so I dont see why I should have to sacrifice yet again. I think its more than fair.

He also says that too, what happens if we split up or your die and I want more with someone else? I could gladly hurt him when he says that because thats like saying I dont want anymore kids with YOU.............there is no difference; me or some other woman, the amount of kids he has is still the same, our 3 right now dont cancel out if he has a new family.

[Willow]

Having said all that... You have said a couple of things which worry me. I worry in that you seem to dismiss his feelings as much as you say he is dismissing yours. "I just dont understand why he doesnt feel the same." Everyone is going to have different views on how many they want, and he simply doesn't want anymore. You seem to want him to "overcome" his own reasons and bend to you wanting more kids.

My personal opinion on this is you are heading down a messy path if you keep trying to find reasons and ways to change his mind. A child is the sum of two people and one desire. Not two people and one with a twisted arm...and if you DO manage to change his mind byt shooting down his reasons (which you admit are reasonable) you will never be certain if it is really what he wants....or worse, it is something he will throw in your face down the line iykwim.

There are two issues you mention in your post, and I think it is really imprtant to keep them seperate. 1 - To have or not have more kids and 2 - your family and spousal dynamic of how to care for the ones you have.
Having another child will not solve his reluctance to be as involved in the ways you would like. And you need to address this issue before the question of more kids even enters the equation.

You guys have had kids fairly quick succession - you have 3 under 3 don't you? Perhaps he is tired. The notion of another one now may be very daunting for him. A couple of years down the track his feelings may very well change. My DH came to me late last year and wanted to have another one. I was beside myself! Those plans are now on hold while we work on some fairly heavy marital issues first. I hope when we are back on track he still wants a son.

Anyway, in terms of how YOU deal with not having more... I can only tell you how I did it. I focused on what I had. I made plans and set goals for myself. I focused on a life with me and DH and our relationship at the centre. Of course they are all out the window now mostly but it worked very well. You have a brilliant opportunity here now to begin to plan a future for your and your family. Focus on that. Live for that.
You WILL NOT change his mind by harping on about it, or by trying to manipulate his feelings, or by trying to discredit his legitimate reasons for deciding against having any more kids - trust me, BTDT
Take the time to think about what you want ot acheive in your life totally seperate from children. For you. Concentrate on your studies, your career path ahead of you. Your success and happiness as a woman, as a human, is not dependant on how many kids you have. And you have 3 awesome boys already. Find some other things to measure your life and achievement by and you will be amazed at how fulfilled you discover you really are and can be.

:yeahthat:

You know something that has helped me is having the Mirena put in. I know that there is no chance of another oopsie bub and that helps me to put those thoughts out of my head and to stop thinking about all the 'what if's. Aint gonna happen. No chance. Move on. But it's not permanent. I was not comfortable with permanent. And I know you said you don't want to use bc forever but this isn't forever. If in 4/5 years time when this needs to come out or be replaced we will know for SURE that we are done and then more permanent measures can be taken. By the same token if we both miraculously decide in 12 months time that we want to try just one more time, it comes out and we are good to go. That was a compromise we were both happy with.

You seem to have real issues with the fact that your DH doesn't want a vasectomy. Honestly - I don't blame him babe. It's so final and I really can understand why he doesn't want to go down that road.

I was faced with this exact situation after we had DS1 so I truly do know what it feels like. Obviously fate sorted it out for us when DS2 came along. But if that hadn't of happened I think we would have done some sort of counselling or mediation to sort through it because at the end of the day someone wasn't going to get what they wanted and we both had to be OK with that.

[maz]

I let J man talk me into getting my tubes done when Mario was born. What I mean by that is...he was extremely worried we would end up with another special needs kid and wouldnt cope as he grew up with a disabled sister, and kept telling me how hard it was and I believed him.

I woke up from surgery knowing I had done the wrong thing. It took me over 3 years, lots of tests/appointments/therapy and a very painful operation to get them reversed.
When we had tank I had my tubes removed because I allowed J man to decide and yes I agreed through grated teeth, that 4 was enough. For the sake of my marriage, for my other children, 4 was enough.

in otherwords what im trying to say is, is that DH is right to be worried....and while I dont agree with what he said to you or should I say how he said it, I see his point. What happen's hon in 3 years time if its the right time? Your still so young honey and full of life...its far to early to make such a final decision.

You need to sum up the pro's and con's...yes it would be ace to have another chanch of having a girl..you know thats one of the main drives you have for this hon...but honestly...if number 4 is a boy would you then still be earning for another for that chanch of a girl again? Is that worth risking your marriage...the heart ache? Pushing away finding you again?

On the other token the bond a little girl and her daddy have is something so special to see. I never thought I could see something as beautiful as the love shared between the 2. I have a close and completely different relationship with her also. Your DH needs to understand that you still ahve that craving...that mothering in you that doesnt want to let go and move onto the next stage. It kills like a knife to the heart knowing it will never be again...A man cant really understand that...they dont feel those tiny feet thudding away in your tummy and seeing your baby excited at your touch and smell.