Moving in with DPs when you have kids

[C~Q]

So as the title says we're moving in together. It's a greet thing and I can't wait! I was just wondering how others did it, anything you'd do differently, any advice etc?

He and the kids get along well, he doesn't have any and has only been around students (he taught Martial Arts) so says that until he gets the hang of it he's just going to treat them like students. At first I was a bit upset by that but now I realize he's not going to automatically love them like I do...it has to take time!

So I'm not worried about them, he has a big house and plenty of space for everyone so we won't be on top of each other. And I'm not worried about us, I guess I'm not worried at all lol, but I do kind of freak out about always having someone there yanno? Like now if I'm in a bad mood I don't talk to anyone, don't cook, watch what a want etc...now there's always going to be someone there :O he's awesome in the way that I could tell him I need space and he'd understand in the same way I would, I guess it's just going to be an adjustment!

I'm very excited but also scared because I'm so ridiculously happy and feel so lucky to have met someone so perfect for me!

So any advice? Stories? Would live to hear what worked (and didn't) for people so far as discipline, rules, personal space etc

[Catastrophic]

Just wanted to give you a hug, some strength and some excited squeels this is going to be so good for you You will all adjust in time.

[C~Q]

Thanks hunni I guess your boys were really little when they came to you so it must have been easier hey?

[Catastrophic]

They were little. still an adjustment Kids are resiliant. You will all cope.

[Cranky Kitten]

You'll all cope fine and congratulations

One thing that is very important is to make sure you always back each other up. Kids are pretty quick at working out any inconsistencies in expectations etc and using them to their own advantages. Even if you might disagree with something that he's done with the kids or vice versa, that's a discussion for the two of you away from little ears.

All the best

[cate202]

Hi im an occasional reader on here but have never posted before.
Sorry I dont know the background info about you and your relationship, but im someone who came into a relationship with two teenage boys, my suggestion would be to make sure theres some house rules in place before you move in.. something I wish I had done right from the beginning.

My hubby had a very authorative kind of upbringing, and tends to see life in shades of black and white... so that in itself has been difficult as Im more of a shades of grey type person... so thats made for some very difficult times

Your spot on when you say you don't expect him to love your kids, Id add to that it may be hard also for him to accept their at times trying behaviour, if indeed they are ever trying and as a mum your first instinct is to come to their defence when someones saying or doing something very negative in regards to your kids, but of course you mustnt ever do it in front of the kids! argh its a minefield your getting into!

Relationships Australia has a course on blended families and stepfamilies, if you live in a capital city Im sure you could go along to classes or even counselling sessions maybe ?

My advice would be to be as prepared as possible before you move in or if at all possible leave it a while before you make this huge step in everyones lives, at least until youve armed yourselves with some strategies to making it as harmonious as it can be...

Good luck

[~Hestia~]

Sorry I have no advice but wanted to say that I'm so happy for you, good luck

[C~Q]

Oh thanks heaps guys! Your advice has Benny great!
That might be an issue with us too as I'm pretty laid back with certain things and he has quite strict ideas about things like bedtimes and dinner and stuff.
Running now but just wanted to say Thanks and I'll bbl to post again x

[C~Q]

Again, thanks guys! I agree def not not disagree with each other in front of the kids. What do you think is best? Say that we'll talk about it later? Or even just send the kids away while we talk about it?

Its discipline I think is the most important thing that we should agree on. He has already been a positive influence on them, making them get outside and play more, do more sport and even help him cook.

Now i just want to get there already!

[Cranky Kitten]

I've used the line "Mummy and DH need to talk about it first" if DD has asked for something or wants to do something that I don't just want to make an abitrary call on.

But it can be also as simple as one of you saying yes and the other saying no to something - kids are clever little beggars and I lost count of the number of times DD tried that trick with me and DH when we first moved in together - at least until she worked out that asking me for something after she'd already asked DH and gotten a no answer usually backfired and got her into trouble

Open communication will be one of your strongest assets as everyone adjusts to the big changes in lifestyle, particularly as you've said you've got quite different levels of permissiveness and tolerance - making sure you're both on the same page on key issues before they arise will make life easier and assist in presenting a united front to the kids.

Also, make sure you take time to connect as a couple as well as often as possible. Have date nights if you can, so you can spend time with each other away from being mum and step-dad - it's going to be a huge adjustment for him if he's not used to being around kids a lot.

[Beatrix]

ahhh congrats and welcome to the world of step parenting/Blended families..

It is def something that will try your relationship in all honesty but if you can get through it, it will make you so much stronger as a couple then you already are.

DF and I have been living together for a year now and it still has its testing moments... As Cate said the hardest part is no reacting defensively if he tells them off for something you may have let slide or he loses his cool (as long as its not a all the time thing)

You have to let him make mistakes, because he will make lots and you need to find a way to learn to address those mistakes between the two of you and also the kids because they cant feel that they can get away with anything but they also need to know that he or you can make mistakes and apologise.

[C~Q]

Cranky kitten yes! I'm really going to make sure that the weekends we don't have them we go out and do things and not just regular housey things.
I never thought about them playing us off against each other...I was 16 when we moved in with my step dad so he really took over any parenting...never got involved at all.

[C~Q]

Thanks B I was hoping you'd pop in! It's funny I already get defensive if he says something about them that I don't want to hear lol.

So do you think it will be harder that were going to his place not an entirely new place?

Is there still times when he just needs to get away? The way his place is set up there will be two separate living areas so it shouldn't be hard to get some space!

[Cranky Kitten]

Cranky kitten yes! I'm really going to make sure that the weekends we don't have them we go out and do things and not just regular housey things.
I never thought about them playing us off against each other...I was 16 when we moved in with my step dad so he really took over any parenting...never got involved at all.

Heh, DD was 6 when I moved in with my now DH (wow time flies!) and not only did she try play us off against each other, she'd also try playing me off against her dad and vice versa - they really are cluey little beggars! Thankfully she has now realised it's not worth the hassle as we pull her up bigtime whenever she does it