Another birthday unnoticed ... to raise it, or leave it?

[peanutter]

I've been with DH for 13 years.

Over the past few years, we've been paying more attention to whether or not FIL and MIL acknowledge my birthday.

2007 I turned 26. They forgot. No card, gift, call, nothing.

2008 I turned 27. They forgot. Ditto.

DH raised it with them, and was told by MIL that it was his fault because how were they supposed to know when my birthday was, if we didn't tell them ... WTF? They keep a diary, have a birthday book, and have known me very well since 1998. My birthday has not changed.

2009 I turned 28. DH reminded them a week or two in advance. They remembered! I think I got a phone call or email, and they sent me two little fabric covered albums in the post, as (I assume) a prezzie. There wasn't a card or anything, but I recognised the handwriting. The prezzie was completely not me, I was so pleased they remembered, I was not fazed by the lack of personalisation.

2010 I turned 29. They forgot. No card, gift, call, nothing.

2011 I turned 30. We had dinner with them for DS's first birthday the week before, and I casually slipped my party plans into conversation, and that it was the big "three oh". MIL and FIL looked annoyed, and said quite pointedly that they knew and it was in their diary.

The day came. The day went. Nothing. No call, text, email, card, gift, invitation to dinner, bottle of wine, skywritten sonnet, overstated helium balloon, home cooked meal or flowers. Nix. Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

DH was mortified.

Then the next day, we got an email from FIL to us, BIL and SIL saying that as we all would know, MIL's 60th was fast approaching (end of September) and started to talk about the plans. Hot air ballooning, expensive meal, etc.

DH was explosive.

DH calmed down enough to text FIL to say that we had got his email re MIL's birthday, and that my birthday had been the previous day, and had he and MIL remembered.

Nothing back.

That's really unusual, they're good people in lots of ways, so there's got to be something else going on ... right? but what?

And do we chase it? Does DH make further attempts at communicating to find out what's going on, or does that just look like we're trying to scab a gift?

I just don't want there to be some major blue and falling out over something as silly as a grown woman's birthday ...

But equally, if we (on one income for three people, two dogs and a mortgage) are expected to be shelling out hundreds of dollars for MIL's 60th, where is my birthday wishes, dinner, cake, gift and overpriced card?

Confuzzled. And undecisive.

[onthefly]

Do they remember other people's birthdays generally?
My parents in law have never mentinoed my birthday. But DH's whole family is not very good with that sort of thing so I don't take it personally.
Are you close to them? Does it mean a lot to you that they wish you happy birthday? If not I'd just let it go.

[Miss.B]

Hmmmmmm, sounds weird to me hun. I'm sorry they keep forgetting! 30 is a big one (Happy Belated 30th hun!!!!) and they should definitely have remembered especially as they indicated that they knew in was coming. Very very odd hun. The thing is, if you return the 'favour' they would probably be offended/horrified not to mention they would think it was disrespectful that you have forgotten. Dunno hun

[Rouge]

Sorry but it doesn't seem they are forgetting kwim? Just because they are grown ups, doesn't mean they will act like it Happy Birthday hun xx

[Mother Goose]

my own father forgot my 30th. I got NOTHING from anyone in my family. not even a card. I still haven't raised it...

[peanutter]

thanks, ladies.

MG - what the?!? that's awful. I adore you. Happy birthday! Come to the Melbourne lunch on the 11th, and we can shout each other belated birthday coffees

funnily enough, DH actually called them while I was typing up that post! He's just called me now for the update ...

MIL has said that she forgets everyone lately, and has become really neglectful of her diary, which may be the case (would be surprising, but I would imagine that she would hide the fact, if she was starting to become forgetful, IYKWIM)...

She said for him to call SIL to see how many times she's remembered her birthday in the last few years, and said that she'd actually forgotten DH's birthday one year too!

It sounds like she wasn't exactly apologetic, but did seem taken aback when she asked how often my family remembered his, and he said that they all (parents, siblings, and partners of siblings) generally call, email, text or FB him every birthday. Her main point was that she doesn't remember birthdays in general, and they're not a big deal to her.

DH said that they were to me, and that a belated email or text would be a nice idea.

She apparently said that she wasn't "sure whether anything would eventuate from all of this" which made DH thermonuclear (thugh he kept his cool onthe phone) as he took it to mean that she may or may not send birthday wishes - but it sounds to me like she's meaning a belated gift or something.

Which isn't the point, but are always nice

Anyway, I think from here on we'll just not anticipate anything, and we will have to be on the front foot about planning something for DS. If they're likely to forget, then we'd hate for his impression to be that he has "nice" and "unloving" grandparents ... they both adore him, they're just really different in how they spend their time ... and whether or not they remember BIRTHDAYS!!

*le sigh*

[Nai]

Well if birthdays mean so little to her then maybe you should let FIL know that he is wasting his time and money organising something for her 60th as she won't appreciate it

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I don't like birthdays. Which means other people get cards/gifts and DH doesn't have to make a fuss over me. Not the other way around. Which is why I don't go over the top for DS's birthday, but instead buy gifts all year round. (I mean, if you're ignoring birthdays you show the love in other ways, right?)

Sounding like you're trying to scab a gift? Surely that's what FiL is trying to do for your MiL. I'd agree to it, "forget" to hand over any money or turn up on the day. You just didn't check your diary. But then I'm small-minded sometimes.

[Catastrophic]

That sucks ;( Happy Birthday hunni...
I wouldn't mention anything. The ones that matter will remember

[Traveller]

Happy Birthday MG I wouldn't make too much of a fuss, some people are just not good at remembering or celebrating birthdays. I have to admit I forget birthdays all the time, and my dad always forgets my kids' birthdays (and Christmas, and my birthdays including my 30th). I let it roll off me, although I do try and remember other peoples' birthdays now but I have a team of family members who all take it upon themselves to remind me

As MummeNurse says, the ones that matter will remember

[RhiChiChi]

Well if birthdays mean so little to her then maybe you should let FIL know that he is wasting his time and money organising something for her 60th as she won't appreciate it

Exactly!

[Pandora]

Sounding like you're trying to scab a gift?

I didn't realise that was a universal phrase, lol

As I said at lunch, I find the whole thing rather odd. Although her becoming (and hiding it) forgetful, and their weird reaction when you mentioned your upcoming birthday the week before do sort of go together.
I'd be seriously tempted to "forget" the upcoming one, but probably wouldn't.

I'd definitely say something about the expected present contribution though.

[black_rose]

Happy belated 30th!!! It sounds like an excuse to me, especially when you had mentioned it the week before. Its hard with the 60th, you could be cheeky and say why would you put in when she doesn't believe in celebrating! But tbh I would just say you can't afford to contribute such an expensive gift.

[peanutter]

thanks, girls!

it is odd ... I feel better getting it out, and having had DH go in to bat a bit ... and I'm thinking of just trying to suck it up now, and leave it be ...

as for her party, DH was tending towards "screw her" but frankly, that would just end up making us look and feel bad, so we're going to have a chat to BIL and SIL, and FIL, and get realistic about time and $ parameters, and go from there.

'cause we do like them, we do generally get along, and we want DS to grow up with as much family around and engaged and happily sharing life as possible.

[Muppity]

I think realistically you have to be the bigger soul about her party but if the plans are unrealistic then insist on them being toned down.

I'm sorry that they are like this - my Mum is the same - forgets DH's birthday every year but makes a big deal about my SIL's - who knows why! We have given up expecting anything.

Happy birthday

[Kaydee]

Oh I know how you feel! My Mother forgot DS's birthday this year, I was so furious but was too afraid to bring it up. She called me recently and brought it up saying that she knows she forgot but she "didn't go on facebook that day" so she forgot (??? Strangest reason in the world especially since i didn't mention it was his birthday at any time). Plus she says they can't afford anything. Apparently the few dollars it takes to send a simple card is asking too much. I didn't reply anything as i knew i would erupt into fury so I ignored what she said and changed the subject.

Really it's up to them to remember. I have a calendar hanging in my kitchen, old fashioned basic paper one. Every year I sit down and copy all the birthdays and ages of the main people in my life from the previous year into the new year. Perhaps next christmas you can make them a nice personalised calendar with everyones birthdays and ages. Adding photos and other special dates so not to highlight the "forgotten birthdays" issue.

[peanutter]

great idea kaydee - unfortunately, we actually did it last year didn't help!

[Kaydee]

great idea kaydee - unfortunately, we actually did it last year didn't help!

Oh no, that's a bit of an extra kick in the stomach for you. I was actually going to do this for my parents, but thought if they still forgot even with the calendar it would make everything even worse