Best friend disciplining my children

[raffy]

So this is probably more of a vent but I'm after some advice as well

I figure she's always sort of done it but just recently it is really starting to bug me! My best friend whom I spend at least 2/3 days with a week (her partner is also DHs BFF) disciplines MY children! She doesn't have any kids of her own (besides a Maltese that gets treated like a human) but it seems as though she is constantly telling my kids off or at least talking very sternly to them while I'm there! I think that's what gets me the most, the fact that I am there. I would totally get it if I was in a different room and they were doing something that could cause them harm but I'm not, I'm right there, and to me it's stuff that doesn't warrant disciplining just them being kids examples: DS1 doing roley poleys off the couch, putting cars in the cat water, having a sook for not getting his own way, pulling all his toys out etc. just today we were walking out of a toy shop and DS1 had cracked the poops because he didn't get a toy and I was walking right next to him, ignoring him because I had already told him why he didn't need another toy and he was still having a little tanty so she stopped him, got down and told him very sternly 'mate you don't need another toy and if you don't stop whinging we'll just go home' and just now DH and I put the boys to bed and came and sat back in the loungeroom and BFF got up to go to the kitchen and saw ds1 sitting on the stairs so instead of saying 'raffy, ds1 is on the stairs etc' she said 'ds1 go to bed now!' And pointed up the stairs.

It's not just every now and then either, if one of my kids even breathes wrong she'll tell them not too.

I don't want to start a debate, but am I being silly for feeling frustrated? I just couldn't imagine telling off someone else's child especially while they are there as well!

Should I say something? If so, what? I'm a big pussy when it comes to confrontation!

[Babyluv]

You're not being silly. Sit down with her and tell her that you don't want her disciplining your children. It's odd in my opinion. If she is your best friend surely you can tell her how you feel? Good luck, it's a difficult situation but you have every right to be annoyed.

[black_rose]

It would bother me too, she isn't even giving you a chance to do it. Have a chat to her hopefully she will back off and let you be the mum!

[myturn]

I think it's totally understandable you would feel annoyed by it!!

Probably easiest for you to try and respond WHEN she does something so up she tells your LO off you can say "thanks BFF, but I can handle it" or "thanks BFF, but actually I don't mind if he is rolling off the couch" or "thanks BFF, probably best if you just let me know if he's not in bed, it can get confusing for the kids to have different people giving messages, and they really need to hear it from me" and I think if you do it a few times she will get the hint...! But also if you get her onside, like she is helping you when she lets you know rather than tells them directly she might be more likely to stop... "Hey BFF, I really need your help when you are here, I am trying a new strategy with the kids so if you notice them doings somethi inappropriate, could you quietly let me know, as I won't be able to catch everything and its important that I am consistent myself." Of course if she asks for the strategy you will need to come up with a plan, even if it is, "oh just a different and calmer way of explaining or responding to things, not a big deal, but I want to try and be consistent".

Worst case if none of this works, you might just have to say "I really appreciate all your help, but sometimes its a wee little bit frustrating when you tell my kids off and I am right in the room".

[Strawman]

Definitely a valid vent!

Maybe you could start telling her dog what it can and can't do? Very loudly and in front of her of course.


(joking, probably best to follow pp's advice)

[LimeSlice]

The last two examples you gave were over the line for me, but the first were not (if you are in her home).

While you might not mind him doing roley-poley off the couch or putting cars in the cat water, she obviously does - it is her home, not yours. In future, I suggest you pull him up, or she will continue to do it. Her house, her rules.

Talk to her. Let her know that if she has an issue, she can ask you to pull them up, and if she does have a problem with what they are doing in her home, then you need to deal with it - and realise that what you find acceptable and what she does may not be the same things.

I know that for my best friend and myself, I have no issue with her dealing with the kids' behaviour at her house. We both deal with it, and not always the same way, but we have known each other for over 25 years, so the other's kids are like our own anyway...works for us...maybe this is kind of how she sees the relationship between you and your kids and her as well? But you need to set the boundaries for your own friendship. Good luck

[raffy]

The last two examples you gave were over the line for me, but the first were not (if you are in her home).

While you might not mind him doing roley-poley off the couch or putting cars in the cat water, she obviously does - it is her home, not yours. In future, I suggest you pull him up, or she will continue to do it. Her house, her rules.

Talk to her. Let her know that if she has an issue, she can ask you to pull them up, and if she does have a problem with what they are doing in her home, then you need to deal with it - and realise that what you find acceptable and what she does may not be the same things.

I know that for my best friend and myself, I have no issue with her dealing with the kids' behaviour at her house. We both deal with it, and not always the same way, but we have known each other for over 25 years, so the other's kids are like our own anyway...works for us...maybe this is kind of how she sees the relationship between you and your kids and her as well? But you need to set the boundaries for your own friendship. Good luck

Absolutely but nope, my house. Best friend or complete stranger, I definitely make sure my kids are on their best behaviour when we are in anyone else's house

Maybe you could start telling her dog what it can and can't do? Very loudly and in front of her of course.

Funny you should say that, she tells my dogs off too haha I don't care so much about that but haha they can be annoying lol

[AnyDream]

I don't think it's rude, actually. Different people have different ways of relating in groups, and this includes the concept of being part of a village who is raising a child. Maybe she sees the time when you seem worn out or when you're repeated yourself the 50 millionth time (cos i"m pretty sure all parents have those moments) and so she thinks by stepping in she's sharing some of that burden. Plus, sometimes kids behave differently when someone other than mum/dad tell them something. Sometimes having aunty/grandma/friend/significant adult say something works quicker & lasts longer than when it's mum. And if you're the type of person (by your own admission) that avoids confrontation then it's possible she knows that about you, too, which might explain why she jumps in.

I guess it depends on how much it bothers you as to whether to raise it with her or not. But before you do, it's a good idea to identify what it is really that bothers you. Is it because she's bossy in other aspects of your friendship? Does she overstep other boundaries? Do you feel like there's negative judgement (ie of you, or your parenting style) and she's being passive aggressive? I'm saying this because in most friendships there's a bit of give and take - and if something is really annoying you it's possibly a reflection of another aspect of the friendship that annoys you too. Understanding what that is will put you in a stronger position to do something about it.

[feeb]

My SIL does the same thing!!!!!
Friends and I tell each others kids off if they are doing something dangerous and could hurt someone or themselves or if the other parent can't see what is happening, if touching something in our home we don't want touched, never will we tell someone elses child off if they are aware what they are doing and don't have an issue with it.

[LimeSlice]

Oh sorry! Thought you meant you were at her house.
I tend to think along the same lines as MD.

[raffy]

I don't think it's rude, actually. Different people have different ways of relating in groups, and this includes the concept of being part of a village who is raising a child. Maybe she sees the time when you seem worn out or when you're repeated yourself the 50 millionth time (cos i"m pretty sure all parents have those moments) and so she thinks by stepping in she's sharing some of that burden. Plus, sometimes kids behave differently when someone other than mum/dad tell them something. Sometimes having aunty/grandma/friend/significant adult say something works quicker & lasts longer than when it's mum. And if you're the type of person (by your own admission) that avoids confrontation then it's possible she knows that about you, too, which might explain why she jumps in.

I guess it depends on how much it bothers you as to whether to raise it with her or not. But before you do, it's a good idea to identify what it is really that bothers you. Is it because she's bossy in other aspects of your friendship? Does she overstep other boundaries? Do you feel like there's negative judgement (ie of you, or your parenting style) and she's being passive aggressive? I'm saying this because in most friendships there's a bit of give and take - and if something is really annoying you it's possibly a reflection of another aspect of the friendship that annoys you too. Understanding what that is will put you in a stronger position to do something about it.

I get that too and a lot of the time I am exhausted and sick to death of repeating myself but DH is there majority of the time as well and she gives neither of us a chance to say something first. I can't think of any other aspect of the friendship that annoys me, just this, other than this she is a dead set legend and the best friend a girl could ask for.

Thanks for the advice ladies it helped heaps x

[Mum2SweetCs]

Sorry havent read all the replies.

Just wondering, would she discipline your kids if she werent close to you?

Maybe she feels like a second mother to your children and i mean that as an endearing way.

I know in a mothers group i have which our kids have grown up together we sometimes discipline each others children. Not like "go to the naughty corner" discipline but like "dont jump on the couch" discipline

[little_O]

I can understand where you come from but I do agree with MD too.

For me with dd I know that I can say something and her little face does the "I'll take the optional obedience stance". Someone else says something and she is more likely to listen.

I have told my family though to please say something if she is doing something naughty. I figure if we are all on the same page and it's a united front it's better for her. That being said if it is someone I am Not close too I would have an issue them disciplining my child (unless it was an urgent matter, like dont touch the oven etc).

I know not everyone feels the same and I have to stop myself telling off my niece and nephews when my SIL is around. I know she's tired from being a broken record all day so I know she appreciates it sometimes but it is also not my business when she is there....

Hope that makes sense!

[chody47]

I was actually thinking along the lines if Mum2sweetCs.....maybe she feels so close to you and perhaps a part of your family that she almost feels like she is disciplining her own kids? Like she is their other Mum?

[HotI]

My SIL tries to 'discipline' my kids, but uses her rules/her terms and it annoys me incredibly and often DD has no idea what she is talking about. Awhile back, she kept going on about using your 'inside voice', and then getting more frustrated with my DD, who had no idea what an 'inside voice' is because we don't use that term.

Our kids are very different and respond to different methods, but SIL keeps trying her rules/methods on my kids. I have spoken up, and it generally doesn't go down too well, but that could be more to do with our relationship.

Raffy, some of the examples of what your bf said would cause my kids to ark up more. coming out of the toy shop, dd might need her little whinge and then she would be fine. But if she was then threatened with going home if she didn't get over it... then she might get respond to that and the 'tanty' would go on longer. similarly, my kids need alot of physical interaction and physical activity, in our own home they are welcome to run around and up and over the couch and do circlework... because i know they need that to be able to settle down later. In places where the behaviour is not appropriate, then i try to fill them up with physical stuff before we go, and (moreso DD) understands that there are different rules for different places.

[RubyShoes]

I'm not much help, but I am in a similar position with a friend, who also intervenes before I've had the chance. Her intentions aside, it is rude and dominating to parent someone else's children before they've even had a chance themselves. My "friend" tells my DS that he can't have any more biscuits, or to "get himself dressed" (even when I'm standing right there offering to help him) and I think she shows bias against my DS when her DS is arguing with him (she doesn't let the kids work out their own battles either).

My answer, unfortunately, is to distance myself from her. I find interaction with her very stressful. So I'm sorry, I'm not much help, but I know how it feels.

[Calluna]

No advice but I totally sympathise. My MIL is shocking for it. Drives me up the wall.

[nickle730]

Regardless of whether others think it's ok for her to discipline your child or not, it is upsetting you. I know you don't like confrontation, but I would say something along the lines of 'You're a deadset legend and the best friend a girl could have. I love you... please stop disciplining DS when I am right there to do it myself. I know you are only trying to help, but I find that it's better for DS and for me if I discipline him myself'.

Is she reasonable and approachable? I dunno, I don't mind confrontation!