I agree with LMS that the only way to stop them behaving badly is to show them that you're not going to put up with it any more.
I think some of us equate 'working at the relationship' to being forgiving and understanding of WHY someone may react the way they do.
Believe me, I've spent years psycho-analysing my partner but he only makes significant changes when I give him an ultimatum which in itself is probably a good sign to leave.
No-one wants to leave without giving it a best shot though.
I want to be able to look my girls in the eye when they're adults and tell them I did everything I could to make it work but in the end I had to walk away.
I think being understanding and wanting to work at something is admirable. As long as the other person is willing to work at it too. And working at it doesn't necessarily mean only paying lip service to the partner who is threatening to leave. I would expect NOT to have to get to that point for my partner to stop whatever they were doing and work at it right then, right there.
Relationships are tough. They require work, from both partners. If you're working at it, and he's not working at it unless you threaten him, then it's not working. He should treasure you as much as you treasure him. He should bend and compromise and give as much as you do. Why do you deserve any less than that?
And personally I don't understand being an example to your kids that they have to put up with being disrespected and mistreated rather than walk away. I have stayed 'for the kids' and I can tell you now, that was no good example for them. They're adults now and they've said on many occasions that they wished I'd walked away much sooner from their father. And my 22yo daughter now knows she doesn't have to put up with that from a man, ever. Thank the lord if that's the only real lesson she got from me.
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