Children of Narcissistic Parents

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

It's so hard, well for me at least. But she has emotionally abused me, lies to me about her behaviour, calls me names to my face (but praises me behind my back, according to DH and sis) and constantly told me my emotions/actions/language was "wrong", so I guess that fits with being a narc mother. She also uses deliberatly hurtful words when I do something she dislikes - which is a lot of the time.

I suppose the reason my sister is favoured over me is that she was the "bad" one. I got told off, I learnt a new behavioural rule, I stuck to it. Mum slagged off other people, I learnt not to do that. I was super-good. Nothing to whinge about to her friends - so my sister got her SOOOO much sympathy she milked it big time. Gotta love the child who gets you the most attention, right? I'm so glad she ignored me for years! It makes it easier to see through her now, that she ignored me when I needed her just because she wanted the attention my sister's actions gave her.

I suppose I need to check that she really is this sick and it isn't me wanting to label things and feeling aggrieved over nothing again.

Oooh, Sparklez, that really is awful. I am so mad for you! I know I have been upset when mum prioritises playgroup/rainbows over me and Liebs when I have been ill, but what your mother did is so much worse.

[Just Me]

It's so hard, well for me at least. But she has emotionally abused me, lies to me about her behaviour, calls me names to my face (but praises me behind my back, according to DH and sis) and constantly told me my emotions/actions/language was "wrong", so I guess that fits with being a narc mother. She also uses deliberatly hurtful words when I do something she dislikes - which is a lot of the time.

Sounds like NPD to me ... there are a number of reasons that NPD parents will praise you behind your back but treat you horribly to your face. They view you as an extension of themselves therefore any achievement, any success, any of your good qualities can all be attributed to them. They tell other people because they are taking credit for it. They never have to tell you because they have twisted it to believe that you should be thankful to them for all of your good qualities and achievements - in their minds, it is only because of them that you can be that fabulous or do that well. It also serves the purpose of making them look like a doting mother/father. If you ever get the courage to say to someone else that you don't like is going on, they have already set it up so that no-one will believe you (it is actually a pretty classic trait of abuse).

They put you down to your face because your 'horrible' qualities and your failures have nothing to do with them except makes them look bad in front of their friends. They also do it to control you, because narcissists get a bit of a kick out of getting an emotional reaction from other people and because they need to blame someone else for their own shortcomings. Children are the perfect people to do this to because they are 100% dependent on their parents. They rely on their parents for everything - basic surivival needs, their needs for love, belonging and affection - children are completely dependent. NPD's are in a great position with their children and can condition them by not meeting their emotional or physical needs when they don't comply. By the time you are grown, you are so conditioned by the behaviour of your NPD parent, it is hard to identify what they are doing. To even discover that it is not normal and most families are not like this is a HUGE step. If you have never known anything else, it seems normal, but it isn't.

Most children of narcissists are conditioned to please their parents or face the horrendous consequences. I think that is why guilt is such a strong emotion in this thread, as well as self doubt because we have been taught to feel guilty for anything that goes wrong and if we ever questioned anything that happened our N parent would gaslight us and make us feel crazy. I seriously don't think that anyone could come out of a childhood like that and feel confident and good about themselves without working through a lot of issues.

Narcissism is hard because it is invisible and hard to identify because people on the outside can't see it and people close to it are so conditioned to think the problem lies with them rather than with the narcissist.

[minniemouse]

By the time you are grown, you are so conditioned by the behaviour of your NPD parent, it is hard to identify what they are doing.

this really stood out for me, when i was 10 my 19 year old brother died in a motorcycle accident, i only really remember life really from that moment and it wasn't pleasant, i thought she was like that because of my brother died but im now starting to feel otherwise........

when we had the falling out last year and i briefly spoke to my dad about it months later he basically tried to dismiss a lot of her behaviour as "you know what she is like" cause apparently that makes everything ok

the flying butter: i think you found yourself in this thread for a reason, don't get so hung up on not fitting all the criteria or other stories seem "worse" than yours, the bottom line is how you have been made to feel by your mothers behaviour

i haven't been diagnosed with a disorder as such but i did suffer a lot of anxiety with my 2nd child, at the time i put it down to him being a difficult baby & a close friend lost a baby at 4 months (he was 2 weeks older than my boy), so now im wondering if there was something else happening.
i am however quite overweight & i was through my childhood so im wondering if this is as a result of my mothers behaviour (does that sound like im grasping at straws, looking for someone to blame when maybe im just lazy ?)

so i have a question & it is probably a silly question but do people with npd realise what they are doing ? the one time i spoke up for myself i saw so much hate in my mothers eyes and she said what is this rubbish coming out of your mouth...in letters after this happened she kept going on about all i ever wanted was to be a wonderful mother but obviously i have failed miserably (this is all part of the guilt i guess)

since the fallout i wonder what she tells people about me, i heard on the grapevine that she was saying she didn't know what had happened, only that i was upset with her & she didn't know why. i can only imagine that she would be telling friends that i won't let her see the kids, the problem is people think she is wonderful so it really upsets me to think everyone must think its my fault & what a horrible person i must be

sparklez: that was a horrible thing for your mother to do