Controversial thread : Sex after baby

[Yeddi]

*Putting target on back...*

I understand that some women don't feel like having sex with their partners after having a baby, but I think you should own that. I can see some very obvious ego-centric views here, where what sex means is weighed and judged by what they think and this is meant to be the measure by which everyone should judge it, including their partners. Sex to some people (generally men) makes them feel loved and appreciated, why is this any less valid than you feeling loved and appreciated by him doing things around the house or helping with the kids? So, you'll only show love and appreciation if he does first. When did showing each other you care become a tit for tat? I would think in a successful relationship BOTH would need to successfully communicate their affection and appreciation in a way the other needs them to, and you can't dictate what methods a person needs to feel that way, even if you think it is silly or in the scheme of things unimportant.

Freya - I think it is a little presumptuous to suggest alish will revise her reply in 6 months time just because YOU would have. She may very well not have decreased sex after baby, particularly when she thinks along the lines she does. I know for me, the amount of sex my DH and I have has increased since having children (which includes a 6yo child with ASD/SPD with all her appointments, a 6 month old who is on the go crawling, and studying full time) but having been in the military myself and having to do things like be awake for 72 hours straight I have a very different definition of exhaustion - I have a sex battery like some people have a desert stomach. Everyone is different!

[Fleur]

Coming back to this thread after so many replies, I can't address all those I want to individually.

I never took the OP, or the point of this thread, to be about women who have reasons - I was going to say, valid reasons, but really any reasons - for not wanting sex beyond the 'I can't be bothered'.

Freya, I'm really sorry that you feel this way, I know there have been some posts that might have been more senistive - but most of us I think get the difference between certain situations, and reasons for differing sex drives. What you are saying doesn't make you selfish, or unappreciative or anything else - hell, I'm one of those 'can't be bothered' women and I'm not going to label myself selfish or unappreciative!

I got 'orders' last night - be in bed on time or else (all a bit tongue in cheek of course) - it had been too long, and it was really only that I have been working late at home, doing crafty bits & pieces, generally going to bed too late. Not that I was avoiding sex, but I certainly wasn't putting in the effort to get to bed on time.
That is what I took the OP to be, that sometimes if there's no real reason other than it's a bit of an effort, then it might be worth making the effort. That's all.

I agree with BG, I find our intimacy in other areas definitely increases when we are having (or have recently had) sex; DH in particular seems to be more affectionate. I don't know why, I think maybe it switches on for him, it's all connected. I know one of the reasons he 'needs' regular (or semi-regular) sex is that for him it is all about intimacy, it's how he gets his needs for love & affection met.

Orgasm; I don't know... maybe it would make a difference but I don't think so. I think it's more about how your mind works. DH rarely lets me go without O'ing, so I can be pretty certain it's going to happen for me but it doesn't do much to increase my libido. I think - for me anyway - libido is about head space, I need to be relaxed & most importantly, switched off from everythign else to get in the mood. He seems to be able to switch on like a light. I wish I could!

As for the comments about infidelity - I'm not even going there, suffice to say, I hope that anyone who has been there doesn't read that & feel like it's 'your fault'.

And Rory, rofl at the mad rabbit on heat, that gave me a visual that made me laugh

[HotI]

again Freya, I didn't mean for this to be an attack on women who don't want to have sex due to extremely understandable and valid reasons. no-one should have sex or feel they have to put out to keep their man "satisfied".

i think that is the issue- who gets to decide what is an understandable and valid reason? I believe it is the woman.

[Fleur]

i think that is the issue- who gets to decide what is an understandable and valid reason? I believe it is the woman.

I agree - it's one of those things that no-one can know unless you have been her ... there is so much tied up in such an intimate thing it is impossible to fully know how someone is feeling unless you are them.
And a lot of times, I would guess that a woman herself might not fully understand why it is that way. I went through a period a few years ago where rather than just being lazy about sex, I was actively avoiding it, and it took a long time to even start to work out why & to resolve it.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Would be more helpful to remain emotionally mature, I reckon. The majority of posts in here have been considered, heartfelt and empathic. Let's keep it that way (BB-wide!).
I think, in summary, I am questioning the "can't be bothered" assumption here, and saying that even if someone says they can't be bothered to make the effort, I would suggest there are other things going on to create that scenario; that if she "can't be bothered", there is probably some kind of support she's lacking and needing. Because, given the right level of support, most women I know WOULD be up for some sexiness, if other factors weren't taking away from the energy that would otherwise go into feeling sensual and sexual again.
I just don't think it's as simple as "can't be bothered", unless the woman has a pathology of emotional abuse (and even then, it's not just CBB, it's about feeling a need for power and control for another whole host of possible reasons!) towards her fella. It's a throwaway line that should serve as the canary in the relationship!