coping alone in the first few weeks...

[tattoo_mama]

hi all

i would like to get some opinions/advice/experiences from mummys whove been in a similar situation...

DP works a casual job, therefore has no annual/sick leave accrued for when bubs comes. we tried to get him onto full time ages ago but thats a whole other story..

There is only him and 1 other staff at his work and they work opposite shifts (DP does 6am-1pm, other bloke does 12noon-7pm), so the most DP can possibly get off work when bubs arrives is maybe 1 or 2 days (the other bloke will have to do double shifts to cover for DP), which im planning on him being with me during my labour (planning on just him and me being there, not keen on having other family /friends there).

So pretty much i will be on my own from day 1 with bubs, from about 5am-2pm 6 days a week...ideally he has said he will get up to help with a night feed to ease the burden on me but im not sure if that promise will hold, so if hes going to bed at around 11pm each night, i will technically be coping with bubs on my own from 11pm at night, to 2pm the next day when he gets home.

him getting any time off is out of the question not only money wise but he cant get anyone to cover him, and having my mum stay cant happen cause she works full time...so i was wondering how many of you mummys have done this? pretty much looked after bubs by yourself from day 1? i mean yes, he will be home in the arvos/evenings which will be a big help but i am pretty scared about being the sole caregiver for baby 3/4 of the day, most of my friends had thier partner home for the first week or two so they could get into the swing of things.

any advice would be great! thanks

[Gigi]

My dp was home for the first week, and i still found it hard to cope (after he went back to work).

things i wish i had done:
- frozen heaps of sandwiches, cooked up bulk lots of stews, casseroles, etc and parcelled them up into meal sizes, stocked up freezer like that. i think i assumed this would just "happen" and it didn't. A new mum needs healthy food, i didn't have the ability to make that happen, with a nb.

- paid for a cleaner to come in once a week, even if only for one hour. Everyone says "just leave the cleaning". that's BS - you just can't leave ALL of it. the counters get full of dirty dishes pretty quickly. The wet areas become unhealthy if they never get cleaned. So get the cleaner to do the most pressing areas e.g bathroom, toilet, kitchen. If they take an hour each, get them done in rotation. so each gets done once every three weeks. but cleaners are very quick, you may get all three done in an hour. (we live in a tiny unit, so i may be biased).

- if any visitors utter the words "can i help", take them up on this, e.g yes, could you do the dishes please? not be proud like i was.

- sleep whenever you can. stuff anyone who judges you for that.

- contact the local aba and try to get email support from them, if you are unable to get to meetings. breastfeeding support is crucial esp in the early stages.


i don't have family either.
it's so hard when you don't have family to help you.

Everyone is different though. You might score a baby who sleeps more than mine did. and if YOU get some sleep, you become a different person. You might have an easy birth and feel physically fine pretty promptly.

Even if dh is not home, make lists, get him to shop for the things you cannot get out to shop for (if you are feeling tender e.g after c-section, when it's not advised to drive until six weeks anyhoo).
If that doesn't work out, shop for groceries online. it's dearer, but convenient.

Have important numbers written out near the phone, or on the short dial.

build up your on line networks - they were my life line. I often had no-one else to ask. everyone you meet, assumes you have a mother to ask, a motherinlaw to to ask. but not all of us do.

for new mums, there is aba local groups, playgroups, but that assumes you can get there - and you won't know that until you're in the situation. are they in waslking distance? are you ok to leave the house with bub? etc.

[tattoo_mama]

things i wish i had done:
- frozen heaps of sandwiches, cooked up bulk lots of stews, casseroles, etc and parcelled them up into meal sizes, stocked up freezer like that. i think i assumed this would just "happen" and it didn't. A new mum needs healthy food, i didn't have the ability to make that happen, with a nb.

thats a good idea, heard it a few times but never really sunk in...gonna sound really dumb but can u cook up and freeze just about any dinner meals? like spag bol, tuna mornay etc?? and if so how long will they keep for in the freezer? i do cook dinner everynight but we only buy small meat portions and never have any leftovers so never had to cook/freeze/defrost anything before....

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I was home alone with a 10-day old baby. Before that I was in hospital apart from one weekend when DH was around anyway.

I found it quite easy, but then I bought cakes. I did stock up pre-birth on food I'd cooked and frozen too. And some friends made me meals. DH also washed up: I'd save all the washing up all day for him. And DS slept quite a bit in the day so I found life a LOT easier without DH around thinking we could "do things" - yeah right like I want to go out for a walk or go shopping right now!

It's easier if you go out while still pg and find mothers' groups and coffee mornings. That way people pop round and because they have fairly young children they remember that you need help so will just muck in and do it!

You can freeze just about any meal, it will last about 3 months. Probably more but mine don't last more! Stews, any sort of pie (including cottage and fish pies with no pastry in just mash potato), pasta sauces including bolognase sauce... pasta doesn't freeze too well though.

I have family nearby, well, in-laws, who don't want to have anything to do with us unless I force it. So people see SiL getting so much help from her mum and our MiL and assume I get the same. That hurts!

[thepixie]

TM I don't know where you live but there are companies that provide this service. Our BIL & SIL bought us a voucher from a local company that provides frozen ready to eat meals and it was seriously one of the best and absolutely THE most thoughtful gift we received. If there is someone who wants to buy you a gift but doesn't know what to get, you could suggest this. The company for us was Gourmet Dinner Service, they are in Sydney - try googling to see if they are available in your area.

[satya]

Even though my then DF had time off work, a lot of that time I was in hospital (5 nights after the birth). We came home on a Sat night he & his mates spent most of that night socialising with neighbours while all the girls & I fussed around my son. He was around for the Sunday, Monday & Tuesday but then back to work on the Wednesday.

I also had the added stress of having his 5 yo daughter with us for a week from when I got home (it was school holidays) so I was a first time mum not knowing how to do anything with a newborn (his daughter was 2 when we got together so I knew no baby stuff) but having all the responsibilities of a second time mum.

I coped pretty well I reckon. I had huge breast feeding issues & spent most of my time feeding him or pumping. He projectile vomitted after all feeds so I had huge piles of washing and was constantly having to clean the carpet, the couch, etc etc but I managed OK.

I also had a slight problem in that my mum got sick and was in hospital with an infection 2 days after the birth (probably caught off my son who had one too) so she couldn't be around to help me and that had been the plan.

You just have to make the most of what you've got. Take any help anyone offers you. My MIL did housework & laundry for me. Have some meals frozen ahead of time. My mum prepared heaps for me. When people visit let them make cups of coffee themselves.

I didn't even find getting up for feeds in the night all that bad - it was just part of being a new mum (I actually find it much harder now that I'm back at work though).

You need to sleep when bubs does.

Don't stress about your house being a mess. People don't expect a tidy house when they visit & if you are lucky some will help tidy up.

Don't feel bad if you realise it's 1pm & you haven't got around to having breakfast yet.... just aim to do better the next day. Most new mums will skip meals at some stage just because they are so busy tending to bubs that they don't realise how much time has flown by.

I dealt with all the night time stuff because my ex was working and needed sleep. I dealt with all the day time stuff cos he was at work. I'm now a single mum and to be honest I don't feel like I'm doing that much more in relation to child care than what I was when he was around.... he just did the token nappy change or feed & held him or played with him.

To be honest I've never understood the saying that everyone says "the first 6 weeks are the hardest" because for me they just weren't. It was all new & exciting, despite all the challenges. I was never sleep deprived (though I am now that my son is 9 months old & teething).

I'm sure you'll be fine. It can seem daunting at times but it just takes time for you and bubs to get into a routine and things that seem hard at first become second nature in no time.