Do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not?

[satya]

I hear this type of comment a lot from women & it usually annoys me. Usually it's something like "I understand how hard it is for you as a single parent because my husband worked all the time when I was younger".

I've seen both sides of the coin - six months of being partnered with a baby who's dad was a shift worker & six months of being a single parent. They seriously do not compare.

Yes it's tough having a partner who works a lot or works shifts or works away, or is just plain useless, but ultimately they do still come home to you, contribute financially towards the household, give you moral support and are able to help when you are sick.

Hopefully none of you lovely ladies will ever get to find out how hard it is.

[AnyDream]

Well I've done 5 years recently of DH constantly being away, anything from a week, three weeks or four months at a time. During the long trips, I really felt I was doing the single parent hard yards, especially when I was physically incapacitated & living with horrible pain for a period of time. Having him away so much & so irregularly created both financial and emotional pressures, and the constant disruption of coming and going - often at short notice and in the face of the very scary places he was going to - well there's an argument that this could be just as or more stressful than being single in a more settled and ongoing manner. And thousands of km away from family and friend support networks.

That's not to downplay how hard it is (especially with financial pressures) of being properly a single parent. I take Satya's point and I'm sure you have a right to feel annoyed when someone in relatively comfortable situation makes a comment like that. But I don't think single parents have the monopoly on the hard yards. All sorts of people find themselves in difficult circumstances and you can't judge from the outside whether you're better or worse off than the next person.

Some of us are just better at pretending everything is fine and dandy cos we know damn well there's no help coming from anywhere. .

[Marlene]

I have also been a single mother Satya...and yes it is a bit easier to have a DH bringing in the bacon and to know that there is someone coming home to you at the end of the day...but you know what sometimes I honestly think life would be easier (for me, this is not a generalisation) if I didn't have to worry about the man coming home at the end of the day, lol. I mean, honestly, it's just like adding another child to the mix when he is here...I have to do everything for him, he's no help, constantly picking up after him, needs constant attention, and he chucks temper tantrums!!

I take my hat off to all the single mums out there, but I know there are plenty of married/partnered mummies out there that are doing it tough as well.

[chickiebabe]

yes i do feel that why sometimes hubby does alot of **** work and its really hard when hes not home to help me with 3 little ones but at the end of the day i get there

[edaj84]

My DH works nights so he either sleeps or works from thursday thrrough to monday, so i only see him really on tuesday and wednesday. and he thinks that by being home he is spending time with us, i can't seem to convey that he actually needs to get off the computer and communicate with us for it to count as time spent together

[tattoo_mama]

yes, thats why i ended up actually leaving. DP worked 6am to 1pm, came home, would go out in his shed til dinner, came in and ate it, then went back out into his shed til after id gone to bed. if he ever did come inside it was to use my phone caus he had no credit, whinge about something or start a fight and psychologically abuse me. YES, i wouldnt have been able to afford rent without him paying it, but in the end it was like i had 2 kids caus i did everything for him, right down to packing his lunch and getting out his clothes, socks, jocks for the next day...and still got called every name under the sun. So i left...and IME being a single mum is alot easier than staying with that crud!

[JennaJayen]

I haven't been a single mum, but my DF is away from monday afternoon through to 11:30 friday night and then from 2pm to 11:30 saturday night as well working for f* all money in a town 50km's away.

I'm home looking after DS, feeding, changing, bathing, washing clothes, doing dishes, cleaning the house, feeding the animals... and then he tells me that I should still do the morning feed on saturday morning coz he had to go to work at 4:30 every morning all week.

Yeah, I can live with doing that every now and then, and I know he works hard for s*** pay, working from 4:30am to 10am, then a break until 3:30pm, and doesn't finish his second shift until 10-11pm. It's when he's home that I have the problem. I'm exhausted by the time he gets home at the end of the week, but I have trouble letting him do anything to help because I'm so used to doing it on my own. I think I would be able to survive quite well as a single parent. Considering my budgeting skills have vastly improved since I first left home lol

Financially, we were better off before we moved in together. Now, we don't earn much more per f/n than a single parent gets. At least we're managing to stay on top of everything, there are so many other who are far more worse off than us.

To ad to this, my father raised my brother and I on his own from the time I was eight until he remarried in december 2004. We only saw our dad first thing in the morning before we left for school, and at 7pm in the evening when he picked us up from after school care. On weekends, he spent half of every saturday and sunday catching up on paperwork, and the other half was spent doing housework, so we pretty much learned how to take care of ourselves. We also only saw our mum a couple of times a year, which was really hard too. Recently I learned that my parents had come to the agreement and that my brother and I would live with our dad as he earned more money that our mum and we would be better off with him. It's not easy for single parents, and it's not easy for the kids either.

Just my two cents worth, not trying to upstage anyone or make fun of anyone.

[Trillian]

That's not to downplay how hard it is (especially with financial pressures) of being properly a single parent. I take Satya's point and I'm sure you have a right to feel annoyed when someone in relatively comfortable situation makes a comment like that. But I don't think single parents have the monopoly on the hard yards. All sorts of people find themselves in difficult circumstances and you can't judge from the outside whether you're better or worse off than the next person.

Some of us are just better at pretending everything is fine and dandy cos we know damn well there's no help coming from anywhere. .

That pretty much sums it up for me. Satya, NO ONE in this thread ever compared themselves to a single parent or said they have it just as hard. But the feelings of the women who have posted in this thread are just as valid. Everyone finds the going pretty tough from time to time and no one ever 'owns' hardship. I would never compare myself to a single parent because clearly I am NOT one. But even if you do have a Dh coming home to you at night, or after a time away, that does not make the daily grind any easier to deal with sometimes.

[Lulu]

I hear you Satya - you can't really feel like a single mummy until you take your partners wage out of the equation.

[Marlene]

The original question was "do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not" not "do you suffer the same financial hardship as a single parent"

As I posted before, I have been a single parent before, and yes, it was harder financially, but sometimes I feel that life was a lot less complicated and lot less stressful when it was just me and the kids. BUT...it is nice to be able to hand the baby over to a partner at the end of the day and grab that shower that you haven't managed to have for two days, LOL.

[Mum030709]

I'm with ya on that one Marlene

I have being on both sides of the bridge.
I was a single mum of my eldest 2 for close to 2 years.

[organicem]

The original question was "do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not" not "do you suffer the same financial hardship as a single parent"

As I posted before, I have been a single parent before, and yes, it was harder financially, but sometimes I feel that life was a lot less complicated and lot less stressful when it was just me and the kids. BUT...it is nice to be able to hand the baby over to a partner at the end of the day and grab that shower that you haven't managed to have for two days, LOL.

I have done both too and honestly once I came to terms with the fact that I had to do it myself as a single mum it got easier and I actually found it less stressful then trying to rely on the help that is rarely offered from DH.

[danniellabella]

I hear you Satya - you can't really feel like a single mummy until you take your partners wage out of the equation.

When my DH had depression and wasn't there emotionally or mentally as I mentioned before, he wasn't working. I had to cut my maternity leave short and go to full-time work and send DD to full-time daycare because my DH just couldn't take care of himself or anyone else. He may as well have not been there. He didn't help out around the house, he didn't look after DD when I wanted to go out, I had to take her with me all the the time, even if I just had to pop to the shop for 5 minutes.
He would literally get up, play computer games all day while I was at work and even when I was at home, then go to bed. He hardly ever got dressed each day either. If I asked him to get up in the night to DD because I had work the next day, he wouldn't, or if he did he would get me up to sort her out and go back to bed because he didn't know what to do.
I remember one time he got up to her and I was awake just listening to her crying for 5 minutes. The cry was getting worse. I went into her room to see what was going on and he was just standing over the cot watching and not doing anything. I asked him what was going on and he said "I don't know what to do" so I asked what he'd tried and he said "nothing" He hadn't even picked her up for a cuddle.

He went away for a week in January this year and TBH I didn't even notice a difference with him not being there. I was still doing everything but I was more relaxed. After that week though it was a wake up call for him and he got his act together and started working again and helping out a lot more. He realised what he was about to lose if he kept going the way he was.

[Jaycee]

Wow that must of been so hard Danni, I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you now!

[mbear]

ohhh yer....i agree, it can be so draining at times. DH is a firefighter, so works shiftwork, the days he is at home he is working in his garage on his 2nd job - a motorbike biz - which allows me i guess to stay at home with the girls...(oh..and boy ). WHen it comes to race meets, or he has a customer that bike is coming to a completion, then he works most nights in the garage too.

I flipped it on the weekend. After him working 2 x nightshifts, he then played soccor on Sat and Sun and didnt get home till 530pm both nights....which meant i was up to my 4th night of bathing, feeding and dealing with a screaming newborn .......all on my own.

Sometimes i hear myself asking 'is this what you wanted...a life like this.....???' i have a whinge to DH about pulling his weight and generally he will kick back into gear....i find he needs reminding a lot...

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

See, my dad's in the Navy. He was away for up to 6 months at a time. Mum had the money coming in, but nothing else. That's hard - it's like a guy who just pays a lot of child support but whose demands on parenting have to be considered. It's hard for the children too; having a Dad who's not there half the time then bossing you about the other half as if he owns the place.

If I were a single parent, I'd have moved to near my support network and have a LOT more support and fewer bills. OK it wouldn't be great but it would actually be easier - I wouldn't have to consider DH at all! I'm ill and WOW someone will cook me a meal or look after DS for an hour. BUT I wouldn't have adult company so much in the evening, which does drive me bonkers. There are upsides and downsides to each situation.