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Thread: Do you think I am expecting to much?

  1. #1

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    Default Do you think I am expecting to much?

    This is bothing me a bit so I thought I would post it & see if its just me or I should be a bit peeved.

    Today I got a present from the inlaws for the baby. It was 2 little outfits from K-mart, basically 2 romper suits & a "congratulations on the birth of" card. Now don't get me wrong I do appreciate the gift. But I would have thought we would get soemthing more. I even said to DH that I feel like I am being selfish & greedy as I don't think a lot of effort was put into the gift. To me it was something I would expect from my boss, or a friend. Not from the grandparents of the baby. When we had Evan (1st grandchild for them) MIL sent down hand knitted outfits etc & I am sure money also. They also came down & stayed with us at the time of the birth. Now I am happy that they did not come down for Glenns Birth or for this one as that was quite the strain on me having them here after I had Evan. But anyway, I am sure that with Glenn they sent down something more significant then 2 romper suits.
    I said to DH its kinda feels like 3rd time round, its not that big a deal to them anymore. But shouldn't they be just as excited about the 3rd grandchild as they were for the 1st?
    Also, I have emailed them photo's of my growing belly & also just recently the photos from Evans preschool photo's. But I didn't even get a reply to acknowladge that they got them, appreciated them.

    Its funny I have always thought that DH's parents where more the "grandparent"type over my own mother because my mum still works full time & is still very much in her own world. But in recent times She has proved to be the more dotting grandmother. Even after talking to my SIL who also has 2 kids & lives near (ish) to the Parents, she has also said that they just don't seem to really want to be that involved with there grandkids lives. I have to be fair & point out that they do look after foster kids & it is understandable that they can't be available 24/7 at teh drop of a hat. But apprently when SIL was sick recently & she asked if MIL could come over to help look after the kids, her reply was "we have our own life too you know". I was shocked that she would have this attidute with her own daughter & especially when she was sick & was asking for help. It seems to me that they are happy to play "grandma & grandad" as long as it takes place in their own home, they don't seem to want to go out of their way to help out.
    It has seriously made me rethink the idea of it being a positive thing to be closer to DH's family then to mine. DH is from Nth QLD & I have said that as long as he had a good well paying job to go to, I wouldn't put up to much of a fight to move back up there, because of the benifits of being closer to his family. But after hearing about my SIL's recent issues with them I don't know anymore. It is unlikely that we will ever move back up there as there is just too much for DH work wise down here.
    The other thing with the foster kids, is they said about 2 or even 3 years ago that they were not going to do it anymore. But they have continued to take on these kids. The problem here is that FIL isn't really that interested in having an active "parenting" role for these kids & MIL is too soft to lay down real rules in regards to the younger grandkids when visiting. Apprently they currently have a set of 7 yr old twins & while my SIL was staying with them (when she was sick, she was discharged from hospital early because they needed the bed & her DH works in the mines so isn't at home to help) she had to watch these kids like a hawk because they would be really nasty to her DD who is only 3, things like kicking her under the table or screaming at her to go away etc. But apprently MIL wouldn't say anything to them about it because she didn't "see it" happen. So they wouldn't listen to SIL but MIL didn't step in about it either. It sounds terrible but I would want my kids to come first.



    Ok I am ranting a bit here now, But basically is it selfish of me to expect them to show a bit more interest in the grandkids? The do live 3000ks away but gees, reply to an email here & there. DH thinks I am the one that is nasty to them, but really!? I emailed them pictures of my bump to try & include them to some degree & don't even get a reply. I feel like they have just fobbed us off to the "birthday & christmas" only pile.

  2. #2
    Love My Baby Guest

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    Hmmm... I don't know. When my DS was born (my first child, my parents 3rd grandchild my inlaws 3rd grandchild) my MIL bought the changetable, my FIL bought the high chair, my mum bought heaps of stuff and my dad bought nothing. (Both lots of parents are separated).

    Are they having a rough trot with money at the moment? Maybe that's why they didn't send much?

    I didn't even expect my dad to give a present (quite tight) although he did bring flowers when my DS was born. .

    I feel a little the same with my MIL, she doesn't make an effort to see my DS and when we went to my SIL's house the other day MIL was holding her granddaughter a lot but didn't even nurse my DS which annoyed me a little.

    Can't give too much advice really.

  3. #3

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    I can't imagine their money being any tighter then with the previous 2. In fact I would think they are probably even a bit better off. because 1 they haven't travelled as much this yr & 2 FIL has been working full time as well as what they get for looking after the foster kids.
    I guess it could be why.
    But It doesn't cost the world to reply to my emails & let me know they appreciate the photos. Hell I just bought a $400 camera so I could email them pic more often. But if they don't care then stuff em!

  4. #4

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    FJ, I don’t think you’re expecting too much! If my parents/in-laws did the same I’d be really mad: you treat all the children the same! I’d be really tempted to let them know that someone had tampered with the mail because you know how they love all their grandchildren the same and Isla, for some reason, had the money from her card missing.

    My MiL is more focussed on niece than Liebling – understandable as niece is here and MiL looks after her two days a week. MiL has said that they bought niece a “big” item, so they’ll do the same for us. As far as I’m aware, they’ll probably treat both grandchildren about the same.

    I was, oddly enough, expecting my parents to want to get a cot or something for the baby, but aside from knitting stuff my mother isn’t all that interested. This is partly why I was annoyed with her doting on my cousin’s pregnancy! At least my parents are out the country so I’m not hearing about cousin still. But they may change once my baby is born… or not. I’m not holding my breath, but I was expecting a bit more for some reason.

    Anyway, a big grr at your in-laws for being like this, acknowledging an e-mail doesn’t take too long!

  5. #5

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    Gee, I don't really know what I can say that would be of some help to you Fiona. In my family it is sort of the other way around and MIL pays more attention to our three rather than BIL's little boy, but that is a whole other story I won't get into. It is such a tricky situation because you expected more, but didn't get it, but can't really complain becuase at least you got something sort of thing. Maybe she didn't want to risk sending money or something really nice in the mail incase it went missing? She might want to get something for Isla if they come to visit you?

    I do think it is a bit unreasonable that they don't show more interest in what their grandkids are doing though.

  6. #6

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    I'd be a bit miffed too. It'd send me into a spiral of worry that the 3rd child is going to feel left out as she grows up.

    I guess I'm fortunate that my inlaws haven't shown interest in #1, so if they don't show interest in the others, it's no different! They bought us our pram (altho 'bought' isn't the right word).. we had to chose a pram from DJ's coz they had vouchers from their credit card points, so they didn't pay a thing... and the only other thing they've given him, is a gold statue of a dog (probably worth a bit.. but geez.. not something you'd buy a baby!) they wanted to get him something special, not just a toy. pfft. btw.. it's a dog, because he was born in the year of the dog. IMO that's just pathetic. They make no effort to see him, when we go down there, they make no effort to cuddle him.. MIL actually shakes her head and says "oh no.. I don't want to hold him". :eek: !

    I'm just grateful that my mum is a typcial nana.. did loads of knitting, bought toys, helped with buying furniture.. etc etc. I'm hoping the inlaws will improve as he gets older.. perhaps they just don't like babies? maybe when they can take him fishing and stuff they'll do more.. but he's not going to know them!

    Having said that tho.. they had no interest in our wedding either, and she turned up in pants and a vest!!, yet she's already bought her dress for BIL's wedding, before he was even engaged, and saving up the pennies to get to Singapore next year for it (lucky she said yes on Saturday huh) They will probably put in mammoth effort if they ever have kids. grrr.

    Anyway.. sorry for turning my reply into a rant about my IL's. LOL.

    I think it's reasonable for you to feel that way tho. Perhaps they think you already have everything? who knows how people think

    Sorry that's been of NO use to you I'm sure. LOL. But you're not alone when it comes to getting miffed at IL's about how they deal with grandchildren!

  7. #7

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    I don't think they would be concerned about sending things through the mail as thats how they do it all the time for birthdays etc. They sent me $50 in cash in the mail for my birthday. Which actually I was really surprised by because that is alot for them to have sent me. I said to Dh that I was rather surprised by it & he said well you are pregannt so I guess they thing you could use it. LOL I got my hair done! DH even said thats not a very "birthday"type thing to have spent it on, its not what they would have intended it for. STFW! It was a treat for me so I think it was a good hting to spend the money on! Then when I told MIL she was like, "oh was that your birthday present?" I don't quite understand why treating myself to a nice haircut etc is not seen as a good birthday treat. I appreciated the money & being able to get my hair done. I couldn't have afforded it otherwise.

    Who knows they may surprise me & send more. I dunno. I just find it odd that they spent say $25max when I am sure both my SIL's will send upwards of $50 each. I have already spoken to one of them who asked what I wanted & said to be honest, money or a gift voucher for big w. that way I can get nappies etc.
    If the ILs think we had everything then why send more friggin clothes that the baby will grow out of in a month. If she fits them at all. Both boys went into 000's & they have sent 0000's. Which I wont pull the tags off & change if need be. But I just think clothes for a 3rd baby are so impractical.

  8. #8

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    yeah... it could have been a little girly outfit I guess.. to acknowledge 'yay' it's a girl.

    oh and I think the hair-do is a great pressie for yourself! Always spend gift money on things you wouldn't normally buy yourself. If you wouldn't have had it done normally.. then good on you!

    Try not to stress about it. It might be a one off. There was probably no malice behind it. Perhaps see if it becomes a pattern of them not showing #3 as much attention, and see if it's worth bringing it up with them.

    The horrible thing with stuff like this, is we sit and home and stew about it, while their happily going about their day, oblivious to how they've made us feel. Sometimes it's best to just let it slide and try not to let it get to you.

    ps. I can't believe how close you are to having the baby! OMG! Hope it happens soon!

  9. #9

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    FJ, my MIL hasn't even bought Nina something, and she's 2 months old now. She said she doesn't feel she needs to buy anything as she's got it all! :mad:

    I've never had the best relationship with her, but I thought since I've given her her first grandchild she'd want to be more involved. She's been away for 5 weeks now visiting relatives and only emails now and then telling us what she's up to, not even asking about Nina.

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