Feeling weird because I DON'T want another...

[goddessofdawn]

I feel so weird hearing other mums talking about their longing for more children... because I don't get that. I have a 3 year old daughter who I obviously love more than anything or anyone! My partner and I are both happy with one child. When I was pregnant, I assumed I would have another one. But that quickly changed when the reality of motherhood set in.

I had a difficult pregnancy, semi-traumatic labour (which also caused an anal fissure - this is what scares me most about birthing again!), post-natal depression (which I unwisely chose not to reveal to anyone). I had and still have no support network (except the limited support of my working partner).
Every single issue has been a huge challenge (more than what is normal) starting with breastfeeding, right through to long-term night-waking, starting solids, toilet training, high-energy temperament - you name it!

I have only just started to enjoy life again. I like having time to myself, and I like having hobbies which don't involve children. I don't have the "longing to be needed" like some other honest mums have told me they have. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. But I have just felt so depressed and miserable for the most part, since becoming a mum. Things are much better now, though. I don't regret anything.

But someone said something to me about "not having regrets" and insinuated I would regret not having more kids. This of course, made me wonder. I tend not to look at things through rose-coloured glasses, so I am well aware that having a newborn is no Huggies commercial. I am not normally easily swayed, but being a mum is my weak spot, the one area where I lack confidence and wonder if I am doing the right thing.

I often entertain the thought of having another one (not serious thoughts)... just daydreaming kind of stuff. Whenever that happens, DD ends up having a nightmare sleep which wakes me up to reality quick-smart!

It scares me hearing about people who "hated" being an only child. I have 2 older brothers - they were a few months away from their 14th and 12th birthdays when I was born - so I always felt like an only child because of the massive age gap. It never once occurred to me to want a sibling close to my age! I loved getting all my mum's attention, of course. (Also, even though my brothers are 2 years apart, they never got along, even as kids. They are like chalk and cheese. They are civil to each other, on the rare occasions they meet. Once, a mutual friend even introduced them to each other at a party, having no clue they were related! So my point is... there's no guarantee that your kids will be best friends, or even friends.)

There are many positives to having an only child, in my situation...
- My daughter will have a happy, non-crazy mum (This is a big one!)
- I will not have to risk my physical and mental health again
- She will have opportunities which we otherwise could not afford such as a top private school education, extra-curricular activities and overseas holidays
- We can stay in the same house, mortgage-free, saving thousands of dollars
- More free time
- More money for necessities & bills
- Easier to manage household practicalities... chores, cooking (which frankly, I suck at!)
- Sleep! (Closer now to getting 8 hours a night than ever before)

DD has 4 cousins, all around the same age (ages 1-5 years) and I will do everything I can to foster close relationships between them. I also want to make sure she has a strong social network - she is confident and chatty, so we started the Early Starters Program this year (3 yr old kindy) where she is thriving and has made lots of new friends.

So... when it comes down to it, if our decision to have another child comes from a place of guilt and/or fear, I don't see how it could be the right decision. I might just have to deal with being "weird".

I will keep thinking about it... and obviously discuss with my partner (who has no idea I've been feeling this way). I think I just needed to write this all down to get it straight in my own head.

[Purple Penguin]

I don't think it's weird, it's just what works for you and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Mildez]

I don't think it's weird, it's just what works for you and there's nothing wrong with that.

Exactly this.

[maybebaby2012]

Give it time, if you have it. My story was very similar, except many years later that longing crept up on me unexpectedly! I'm glad now that we didn't make any permanent decisions. I'm not saying you too will change your mind, you might never, but I know now that I would be heartbroken if I had made a permanent decision before I was sure because once the longing came it was very hard to ignore!

[goddessofdawn]

Give it time, if you have it.

I am 36, turning 37 this year, so no.... Not much time left really
I was perfectly happy with our decision until I let someone sow a seed of doubt...

[onthefly]

It sounds like you're happy with your current arrangement and don't want another child, and so you're not planning one. That sounds very reasonable to me
I really don't understand why anyone would have a child because they thought they 'should' for some reason. You have a child because you want one - that seems like the best reason to me, anyway.
I'm sorry to hear that you couldn't talk to anyone about your depression. I hope you are getting help and support for it now?

[Cassius2]

I really don't understand why anyone would have a child because they thought they 'should' for some reason. You have a child because you want one - that seems like the best reason to me, anyway.

totally agree!

I am an only child and have never felt sad or upset about it...it was what i knew and to me it was perfectly normal and awesome regardless

(BTW after DD1 was born i had a PTSD from birth trauma and totally never felt like having more children...but have to admit that around 18 months i got the clucky bug ). In a way I am envious of your position and its surety. For me, I just am not sure that I will ever feel 'finished'...but really do feel that we should stop now....argh, either way...whether you want more or only one it is a battle field of emotion and conflict to get to that point.

[goddessofdawn]

I really don't understand why anyone would have a child because they thought they 'should' for some reason.

I agree, but maybe because of statements I have heard, like, "I couldn't do that to my child" (like they are being tortured by not having siblings, or something)
It is difficult to understand the "pressure", unless you are in my situation. I often feel like I am expected to justify the reasons for our decision. The fear of potential regret or making the wrong decision can be a pretty powerful motivator.

Although I'm not sure it's possible to regret something that never actually happened... The imagined picture may be nothing like the actual reality, if it did occur...

[MrsFabuloso]

Live in today, hun. It sounds like you have clearly and realistically thought of the future with and without another child, and it all makes sense to you and your partner to have only one. So, if you're entirely happy with that decision today, live in today, don't think anymore about what if's.

[Calluna]

I dont think it wierd at all. As long as you are happy and comfortable with your decision there is no problem at all.

My MIL makes no secret of the fact that her 2 children were accidental and she hated being a mum to young children. She loves her kids, but she is obviously very resentful of what "she went through" when they were young.
That, IMO, is much worse than recognising when is the time to stop for you. Regardless of whether that is 1 child or 10. Stick with the best decision for you. Screw everyone else, they arent a part of your immediate family therefore their opinions dont matter. At all.

[Trillian]

You know what bugs me about your situation? It's because you only have one child. look at me for example, I have 4 kids, my youngest is 5 and they are all at school. I don't get asked 'so are you going to have another one?' anymore, but you on the other hand, people somehow think that you only have one child so you can't POSSIBLY be finished!! If you felt like you were done, then you are done. I think it's really not cool that someone has made you doubt the way you felt about it. Obviously you're not saying never and maybe one day that will change and you will want another baby, but for now you are happy where things are at and no one has any business trying to convince you otherwise. You knew you were done after one child. I was done after four. Neither of us are wrong and you are definitely NOT weird.

[Joeve]

You need to make the right decision for you. There is no right or wrong.
Just for the record I am an only child and I love it still as an adult as much as I did as a child. I get along wonderfully with my parents and my mum says that she is glad she only had one (she couldn't have any more) because she spent so much time doing things with me as I grew up.
You sound like you are in a good place stay true to what you want not what society tries to tell you is "right".

[krysalyss]

Goddess - I am in pretty much the same situation, although I don't get those questions from close family and friends (I think they were all a bit surprised I had one!). But for a while I did toy with the idea to see how it felt. One night I had a dream that I was pregnant and I had such a feeling of dread that I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and I knew then that our decision for one was the right one for us. DS is now in grade 1 and the days of nappies and prams are well and truly behind me. I understand why people want more than one, but I don't understand the judgement on those that voluntarily choose one. I have had people even call me selfish. But DS loves little kids and will willingly play with them and look after them, but he is pretty darn happy to then go home and have his toys and time to himself!

[Livinthedream]

Oh, I so could have written your post!!
1 it is for us. DH would have more, and I agreed to, if he stayed home and looked after it (we can afford this) he doesnt want to.
So no more kids for us
I am so happy and comfortable in our descision (sp).
I love knowing we can move on in to the next phase of our lives, it just makes it all the more exciting.
You havent done anything wrong, your family will be perfect as it is

[Livinthedream]

Oh, I so could have written your post!!
1 it is for us. DH would have more, and I agreed to, if he stayed home and looked after it (we can afford this) he doesnt want to.
So no more kids for us
I am so happy and comfortable in our descision (sp).
I love knowing we can move on in to the next phase of our lives, it just makes it all the more exciting.
You havent done anything wrong, your family will be perfect as it is

[Cherished]

Hi goddessofdawn, we have a beautiful little boy and my DH doesn't want another baby. Some will remember me posting about this and I was shattered, absolutely heart broken, I thought my perfect life was over. 18 months on and I am feeling pretty happy with just one! You've stated some really good benefits to having one child and after focusing on all the positives I have been able to feel like DS will have a great future as an only child if things pan out that way. He will go to a great school, overseas holidays, go on lots of play dates, be able to enjoy his own company (something which many adults struggle with), he can do activities and I can always watch or be a part of them, I will be able to get involved with his school and probably what I like the idea of most is that I can get lots of ME time while he's at school instead of my day being filled with loads of house work and cooking and general family related stuff and when DH is happily looking after him I can also have me time. I think that anyone who says negative things about it is just ignorant really, they are commenting from their view through their own filters and haven't considered the other side of the coin. Fatigue is also another major thing for me, DS still doesn't sleep through the night and although I've loved breastfeeding I think it may now be pretty draining. DH also considers our health individually and as a unit, the more people in your family, the more likelihood of disease, injury or illness which puts a toll on your family. Plus we'd like to give DS the best of everything and leave him with a large inheritance so that he doesn't have the struggle than so many people have in life, the more kids you have, the more your wealth needs to be divided.... Mine you DH plans on being a Billionaire so this one will not really be relevant

Having said all of that I do still have a longing to try for a little girl.... I would do this if I things were a little different, time, money etc and we were in a position to make life easier to deal with that newborn/toddler stage

[goddessofdawn]

Cherished, sorry I only just saw your reply I loved everything you had to say but especially this:

He will... be able to enjoy his own company (something which many adults struggle with)

Yes, yes, YES! This is something I love about myself - with the massive age gap in my family growing up (brothers 14 and 12 years older than me) I learned to enjoy my own company, and I still do. It made me very self-reliant - I don't get bored, and I don't look for others to "entertain" me... Sure, I enjoy being around other people, but I also appreciate solitude. I was also a voracious reader as a child, and as a result, excelled in writing and English at school. I don't believe that would have happened if I had siblings my own age. To this day, I am still mad for books and it is a wonderful thing....
I hope to foster the same love of books in my daughter.

And thanks Sweetpeajan, I won't feel guilty

[damprye]

I see nothing wrong with being/having an only child. Sure it isn't everyones cup of tea but some people want no kids, some want one or two, others want a brood and there is nothing wrong with any of those at all.

It took me a long time to decide to have a bub after DS1 and bub 3 was an accident that I am now excited about. I had horrible Perinatal Depression and Anxiety with DS2 but am ok with it now. Still worries me of course.

I was an only child till the steps and I loved it. Worst thing my Mum done was take that man and his kids into our lives and then breed kids that I had to raise.