Help.. what do I do.. please?? preparing for the future..
Hi all. Its been such a long time since Ive come on here, but now Im finding I need support from somewhere...anywhere.
I have a major issue in that I am concerned that very soon my husband and I may be heading toward divorce. The issue is that he is emotionally abusive - doesn't show me any respect, regularly puts me down, is ALWAYS angry with me, regularly states that he 'owns' me, treats me like an object (there is no emotional input into the relationship at all), only grants me an 'allowance' (I know nothing about his general finances), I can never do anything right according to him, he constantly criticizes my parenting, shouts at me and expresses extreme verbal hostility toward me frequently in front of our little boy (who is only 2, to the point where my little boy is saying 'stop it Mummy and Daddy' all the time - I feel so sorry for him), and he just generally he does not express any love or respect for me - basically I get the impression on a daily basis from him that he just 'puts up with me' and that he would rather not be married to me at all (I dont know why he stays, I have asked him why he stays but he cannot give a response) - I stay only because of my own religious beliefs at the moment, purely and nothing else (I have fallen out of love long ago). Basically, I believe I could move on if he is the one to make that first move..
The issue I have is that I have had several episodes of depression pretty much as a result of the build up of (emotionally blocking my own responses) a result of his behaviours and emotional abuse - it seems the only way I have been able to deal with this sort of relationship is to become emotionally numb and detached on a day to day basis -which then seems to come out in an annual depression (because obviously I am not effectively dealing with my emotions very well daily).. Im not sure how to fix this but will be seeing a counsellor soon - its just so hard to put up with emotional and verbal abuse on a day to day basis and then not end up depressed at some point.
I am really concerned that if my husband and I do separate (which mind you I am going to try and prevent to the best of my ability by taking him to counselling with me for the next year!!)... but if we do separate - I am really worried that he is going to get my mental health records and use them against me to obtain custody of my little boy.. he already criticizes my parenting all the time - he is an 'always/never' person - so if I have done something wrong once, it becomes that I 'always' do this or I 'never' do that (in his mind). So because I had some times of sleeping in whilst I was experiencing some post natal depression, he has built it up in his mind that I am 'lazy' and that I sleep in 'all the time' and that I am 'always tired and depressed' and that 'he does everything around the house' and that basically in his mind 'I do nothing' (none of this which is true at all!!!, its all lies and the way that he has built it up in his mind). He is generally very narcissistic and extremely good at projecting all his own emotional problems onto me, and then convincing others that its me that has the problems - he is so manipulative, he totally convinced the psychiatrists at the hospital that I was a total loser (I couldnt speak for myself due to being so depressed). I am very worried about how he will probably be quite successful at convincing a court that he is an 'exceptional' parent (when it is really quite the opposite because I am very worried about how his negative, angry and disrepectful comments at me all the time are impacting my little boy and how he is generally learning from my husband that you don't have to respect women at all).
I guess I just dont know what to do. Has anyone been through anything like this before? and have any advice?.. can I prevent the courts accessing my medical records? (because they are an inaccurate portrayal of me and tell none of my side of the story)..
I know my husband would become so terribly nasty if we were to divorce because he has an extremely nasty streak and would do everything he possibly could to not give me any money and to get full custody of my little boy - basically he is the type of person that would want to do everything in his power to completely ruin me... because he is such a narcissist and would never want to be seen as being a failure himself.
Please, anyone??
PS... sorry its so long but have to give the full story so it could be understood what I am dealing with.. thanks in advance everyone for any ideas/input
Start keeping a diary of all the hostile, aggressive and nasty comments and behaviour. Make it detailed.
Take it to counsellors appointments so they can see that it is ongoing and will be able to testify (if needed) about the long-term nature of the abuse.
Talk to domestic violence support workers, legal aid etc to get advice.
You are being subjected to financial and emotional abuse. Keep records!!!!
In relation to your medical past being used against you, I understand your fear. My xdh used my history of depression & rubbished me in court. I felt like scum when his lawyer finished with me. My advice is to ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist for a review & then get the psychiatrist to write a letter to your Gp outlining what you have spoken about & that you are more than mentally fit to raise your boy.
I know of women who have been in the mental health system for a long time but are more than competent in raising their children.
Help.. what do I do.. please?? preparing for the future..
Re: not getting divorced due to religious belief , I dunno what religion u r but as a Christian I know if my husband were ever abusive (physically or emotionally) or cheated (physically, emotionally, or with porn) I have grounds to get divorced without being at fault
Hi Jellybean
Im Christian too, and I just keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:12-14, also 1 Peter 3:1. If you however have any other scriptures that might help, I would be grateful as I can only see at this point that I do not have grounds for a way out. Unfortunately I became a believer only after we got married and my husband does not share the faith at this point, although I do not give up hope that he might some day.
Thanks so much everyone for all your help and thoughts and advice.. Ive been thinking about all that everyone has said and I think I am going to focus this next year on as much counselling as possible for both of us (to try and salvage it if I can), if not - to at least get mentally stronger myself. And that way at least someone will have some documentation of all of whats going on, and in the mean time I can focus on trying to save some money just in case I have to go my own way. Thanks all so much for your advice, I really really appreciate it.
Tinkerbelle, what an awful situation for you and your son to be in. I'd agree too with Cat's post - see a counsellor and get some legal advice. Back yourself now, particularly if you believe it will turn nasty. And hun, while I understand and respect your religious beliefs, could I gently suggest that no Christian religion in 2013 would condone domestic violence or blame you for being the one to end the relationship. He is abusing you and you and your son deserve much, much better.
Hugs, xx
Re: Help.. what do I do.. please?? preparing for the future..
That's an awful situation!
I think there has been some great advice given and you have made a wise decision.
Getting counselling and help from professionals, working on yourself and your marriage is the best thing you can do. Then re-evaluate in 6mths and 12 mths.
Keep a diary of abusive behaviour. It may help you both later. You to be free of the behaviour and for him to get help for it.
Sounds like he has a few issues he needs to sort out too.
Hello, what an awful situation you have found yourself in... There has been some good advice given, I just wanted to add a couple more points for you to consider:
- you have the right to access your medical (including counselling) records and to ask for them to be amended if they aren't correct. If you are worried about them being used against you in court you might want to take some action now to see what is actually written on them, just in case it comes to that in the future. You can't block a court accessing medical records that they know about so they can subpoena any government mental health services you have used and the records of any counsellors in private practice that they know you have used. I can assure you though that no psychiatrist is going to think you're a loser for experiencing depression! Not even if your husband comes across as charming and persuasive.
- one of the hardest bits in proving domestic violence in a family court setting is that domestic violence is often kept hidden and secret (because of the very nature of domestic violence) until the relationship is over and there is a disagreement over parenting orders. This can easily be manipulated by solicitors into a 'he said, she said' argument and completely trivialised. I've seen a lot of women accused of making up domestic violence to get back at their partners once the relationship is over, which is ridiculous but is what actually happens. One way around this is to get multiple professionals to be able to document the abusive nature of the relationship so that if/when records are accessed by court there is a long history of the abuse recorded. Absolutely let your GP know what is going on in your relationship, or any other health professionals you have contact with. But keep in mind that many people still don't understand that domestic violence is much more than just physical violence so you might have to spell it out for some of them. You can also speak to the domestic violence liaison officer at your local police station who won't take any action (unless you report a crime), but will more than likely record that you have sought assistance/advice for domestic violence.
Good luck with everything, I hope it works out for you and you don't have to rely on any of this advice.
Help.. what do I do.. please?? preparing for the future..
I'm so sorry for the situation you're in right now. I'm also a Christian and I believe that God doesn't expect or want his daughters to stay in abusive (violent, emotional, spiritual etc) relationships. Abuse is illegal and I don't believe that leaving an abusive relationship is contradictory to the bible. I agree with jellybean's suggestion of speaking with your pastors or another trusted leader in your congregation.
On top of all of this good advice I would be preparing yourself in terms of gathering all of your documentation. Make sure you have birth certificates, passports, bank account details, copies of mortgages, anything that could be useful to you further down the track. Put anything valuable away in a safe place. Put away your photos or anything he could use against you somewhere else. Start trying to squirrel away some money each week somewhere safe so that you have some money just for you. Even if it means buying more at the supermarket then returning items if you have to show him receipts etc to enable you to do this. Any amount you can put aside will be helpful.
Help.. what do I do.. please?? preparing for the future..
Oh, and re money set up a bank account with a completely separate bank that neither of you are connected with at the moment. Do not give them any of your current residential details like address or phone number, provide if you can a friend or family members address and phone number who you trust 100% completely - don't even have your res address set as where you live and the friends address set to postal, have everything set to the friends address. Put any money you're able to set aside into that account, not any accounts he knows about. This may seem deceitful but it absolutely for your safety and security. I work for the complaints dept of a major bank and I have seen situations where this wasn't done and it turned bad for the party who was trying to leave when the other partner managed to discover what was going on.
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Help.. what do I do.. please?? preparing for the future..
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