How do i tell her??

[MantaRay]

It sounds as though your gf has been having a really tough time. And if her DS has had her in tears, I would say that she might welcome some gentle assistance. Perhaps you could suggest she contact PPP to see if she could get in for one-on-one sessions or something like that. Or maybe you could attend a group class together so that she is not alone. There are a few programs like that, and it might really help your gf. They would also be able to advise whether or not the DS might need further assessment.

In the meantime, books such as Toddler Tactics by Pinky Mackay have some great tips for handling toddler behaviours, as well as some insights into what causes them.

I know you are worried about your kids also - it might be a good opportunity to explain to them why the behaviours they are seeing are not acceptable. I am sure they will be able to understand why it's not ok to copy.

GL with it hun, it's not an easy situaiton. You are a great friend for helping your gf out when she needs you most.

[boobaloo]

thanks for all your supportive responses girls, my gf's ears must have been burning, cause she got home about 30mins ago, with screaming child in tow, and said she can't take him anywhere, he just screams and she doesn't know what to do.

i mentioned to her to get in contact with our local community health centre on monday and get him assessed by someone there who deals with kids. i did say to her that her ds had had a bumpy 2 years though, and it's to be expected that he'll have some issues.

i just feel so bad for her that she's not enjoying any aspect of motherhood (her own words) because of his behaviour. and i feel like a bad person for *****ing about him.

unfortunately, my ds is only 2.5, so it's a bit hard to explain to him that we don't copy the bad behaviour.

[boobaloo]

oh, and westy, we thought about the foods etc, but i'm fairly pedantic about the kids eating fresh, healthy foods, and yup, he's like it all the time...

[MantaRay]

R, don't be so sure that your 2yo doesn't understand hun. They understand a lot more than they let on I know mine does!

[boobaloo]

mr - you're probably right, he's a smart little chicken... hopefully he can see that it's not getting positive attention.

[~Kaz~]

I think you're an awesome friend to be providing her with this level of support.

I also think you should re-frame what you're feeling. You don't dislike/hate/resent the 2 year old - its his behaviour you dislike/hate/resent. Don't beat yourself up about being an awful person. That kind of behaviour is hard to tolerate and is probably preventing you from feeling much of a bond with him (beyond the intellectual knowledge that he's had a rough time so far). It would be good to focus on his behaviours (actual examples) in any discussions you have with your friend about him. His behaviour and her feelings. So it would go something like "When X does a, b, c, it affects me/my kids in e, f, g ways and I can see it affecting you too".

I definitely think you guys need a third person or service involved. One that's trained to deal with these kinds of behaviours in 2 year olds. A pp was right, 2 is awfully young to be making any kind of formal diagnosis - it's shaky ground - but behaviour problems can be managed and improved over time.

I really hope that she is able to access some kind of service or assessment for him that leads to greater support for her (and you and your DH) as well as practical strategies to manage him. Whether you still need them to move out, only you can answer. You have to do what's right for your family - just because they don't live with you (if that's what you decide) doesn't mean that you still can't provide a large amount of support.

Good luck hun. That's a really difficult situation to be in.