I thought I was done before DD2 was born and until recently thought that I was really at peace with our decision because like you, to us 3 kids seems logical. I tried to breath in every moment of DD2 being a baby and have embraced every minute of her little life. Not that I didn't do that with the older two but I guess I have been a lot more conscious of it this time.

I ended up having a bit of a traumatic birth with DD2 and I got through the whole ordeal and recovery by promising myself that I never had to go through it again. I still didn't let that stop me from enjoying every minute of her. And I have enjoyed her. I feel such a special bond with her and ironically, I think this is a big part of the reason that I want to backflip on my decision to stop.

I have enjoyed DD2 so much, I have let go the fear that I had with my older two of ruining her sleeping habits for life, I have breastfed her exclusively until she started solids a few weeks ago, I have used a HAB to carry her around. I have found so much joy parenting her and found she fits in so well with our family because everything with her is so much more peaceful with gentle parenting ... now I think I can handle one more.

Sorry, I don't have any real answers for you but I have been reflecting on myself a lot lately and trying to work out what I want and the real reasons behind me wanting it.

To a degree, I have come to the conclusion that it is hard to think that I am never going to be pregnant again, never going to have those first moments after birth (and that may be because I feel a bit ripped off by my latest experience), never going to have a newborn and I am grieving a little bit about never fitting into that group of mummies with newborn babies. My kids will all be older.

I am trying to look to the future and think about some of the extra 'freedoms' I am going to have if I don't have to do the whole pregnancy and newborn thing again.

We have sat down and written a 10 year plan with immediate goals, goals for one year, goals for five years and goals for ten years. This is helping to keep me focussed on what we want for our whole family. It has also given us lots to talk about in terms of a fourth and whether or not another baby will fit in. Even though I am not completely decided, I think having our acheivements for the next few years stepped out so we have things to aim for is helping us assess our family. I think if there was absolutely no room in our plan for another baby, I would be fine with that, but there is room. We can make it all work with another baby so it makes our decision more difficult.

I feel like I am waffling, but I thought a true account might help you work through having your last baby and finding peace. At least if you know that some of these feelings can creep up after your baby is a few months old, you can be prepared for it. For me, I was prepared for this baby to be my last until she was about 5 months old and then the feelings started to creep back in. If you expect them, it might make those feelings easier to deal with. I don't know.

Sorry if this has not been overly helpful. I have lots of thoughts swimming around in my head at the moment