Excellent advice Rory.... I was going to suggest exactly the same book (The Science of Parenting).
Regarding the overall issue of having differing parenting styles: Yes, it's hard... this is basically the only issue my DH vehemnetly disagree about as well. I don't think it really matters whether a child is planned or not... however our first child wasn't planned... and I guess if you had asked me 15 years ago if I thought DH was going to be good parenting material I would have had my reservations but on the whole even though we disagree we still respect each other and I think that is the key.... and at least I know DH actually wants to be a good dad. Good intention does count If he didn't seem to care then I would worry... and remove the children from his sphere of influence.
From the child's perspective it doesn't really matter if you differ. Kids are adaptable... they adapt to differences with grandparents, childcare workers, teachers etc etc so it really won't confuse them as much as you fear. I agree that it does help if you and your partner can be united... but it's not vital to raising a well adjusted child.
My personal solution to the issues DH and I have is to first try to stay calm. I have learnt that getting overly emotional about it (raising yor voice etc) achieves absolutely nothing and frequently makes it worse. I also ask that DH remain calm. I try to choose a time to talk about it that isn't in the middle of the night or when we are both tired (hard, I agree, sometimes) and when i raise an issue I try to keep it very basic. I don't raise too many issues.... I find that it's a huge achievement to at least agree on one thing and have learnt not to "push it". I find that talking about our own childhoods often is a good intro into a tricky discussion.... gets the conversation going.
For me the priority now is to maintain my own personal standards. I used to get so demoralised (and afraid) of DH's/my parenting inconsistencies that I used to use DH's behaviour as an excuse for my own poor behaviour: eg. arguing to the point of shouting infront of our children... which probably did more damage than the particular inconsistency in question IYKWIM.
Rory's Pantley comment was also very true: you don't have to be a perfect parent ALL of the time.... or perfectly consistent... 70% should be more than enough. I have heard that the best parents are often those that introduce a bit of ambiguity into their children's lives.... makes them more resilient. And finally, one thing I have become very good at is being humble. If you try to parent from a place of pride you are bound to have serious issues. It's ok not to have all the answers... it's ok to make mistakes... removing the pressure is half the battle.... tell your partner that you don't have all the answers because nobody does when it comes to children... it's folly to pretend that you do! And if you make a mistake then at least you have an opportunity to show them that you are sorry. I was raised by parents who never admitted that they were wrong or ever said sorry. As a child that hurt more than ANYTHING. But how good is it that I have the awareness not to repeat that mistake... I think that if I can continue to have the kind of relationship with my children that includes the ability to apologise then hopefully this will over-ride all the mistakes I am bound to make along the way.
I completley understand where you are coming from. We are in the exact same situation here. I'm trying to look at it as just one of those issues that come up and require some kind of compromise, one way or another.
My dh has softened his stance on crying as ds has gotten older and I've bombarded with facts, theories and ds's emotional perspective on him. We've reached a point where we do have some understanding of each other and what is acceptable to each other, and to ds. Sometimes I still have pull dh up and go'How could do that?' But I try to remember that a lot of that stems from his mum raised him, and that sometimes I just have to step in a nd remind him of the softer, gentler, more emotional side of it.
There are still some things we do differently, and that does worry me a bit in terms of consistency with ds. But soemthing that made me feel better was the view of consistency presented in Sarah Buckley's Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering book- she basically says that total consistency is not always possible, especially in different situations and with different carers, and that is ok- we should gives kids enough credit to realise that they are capable of understanding that different rules apply at different times, or with different people.
I will add that in the middle of the night, DH sees DS as being mean to us or that he has to grow out of wanting us there... in the morning he'll cuddle up with DS and ask him "What was wrong last night? How can we make it better?" - he acknowledges that it's not manipulation and that DS has a problem with something. Being up all night isn't the best time to show that side, not for DH anyway. I rarely lose my rag in the night wakings, but instead getting up or going to bed; DH can't understand that. But I'm meant to understand him at 3am, of course.
As for consistency - DS has learnt that "no, darling" means "keep on doing it and I'll remove you and distract you" whereas "Liebling, no. I mean it. NO!" means stop it or Mammy will explode. After a 2-minute cry (won't say from whom) DS wanders off and plays, letting me be a maniac getting three people ready for the day in a half-hour.
If he didn't seem to care then I would worry... and remove the children from his sphere of influence.
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