How to release anger?

[kelsbels]

I'm a grudge holder, through and through. I do not know how to let go of grudges without feeling like I've 'given in'. It's caused me a lot of grief and anxiety over the years and I know I need to let things go.

Secondly, if my hubby makes me angry over something silly, I stay angry for ages. Once again, I feel like I'm giving in if I stop being angry at him. The problem is that over time this constant anger has built up to be quite a lump of resentment inside me and I can be fairly bitter and nasty to him at times, which is not my nature at all.

Any hints? I think maybe I need to see someone to help release the pent up anger as I can't see how to start afresh while it's still all inside me.

Would love to have some advice!

[littlelara]

Have you tried journalling?
Sometimes if I'm woken in the night those old hurts revisit and I can't go back to sleep until I write them out.
There's a school of thought that says forgiveness does not mean what you did is ok, it means I will not hurt you back. It's a choice you make
That might help keep things in perspective?

[Queen]

You need to understand that holding onto a grudge/resentment/anger is only actually hurting you, for me once I realised this, and believed it my thinking changed. As littlelara said, forgiving does not mean you accept what they did was right, it is about letting go and moving forward. Forgive once though.
Try writing a letter to the person you have negative feelings toward, write all your feelings out, exactly how you feel towards them with the full intention of giving it to them. Then sit down read it aloud, understanding the words you have written, then burn the letter, letting it all go.

Good luck baby steps xx

[Feijoa Mum]

Wow are you in my head Kelsbels??

I CANT let go. I would love to be able to but I really dont know how, I have stuff that I am holding onto from years ago!

SO unhealthy and not good for me hence the reason I am seeing someone. She practices Acceptance Compassion Therapy, and I although very early days and not easy to do, I am really liking it.
For me telling me to do something ie "let it go" just makes me hold on tighter, to the point where I know it is hurting me but I still cant drop it.

A.C.T is about accepting the thoughts and feelings you have and making room for them in your head but not attaching to them. Not getting caught up in the unhealthy way I "catasrophize" (yes that is actually a term ) my thoughts and feelings and let them become so much bigger than they really are. Just accept they are there let them come up but know they will go.

Something that helps me is to think of the thoughts/anger as a cloud that covers the sun. It comes along but then it goes, and yes another one will come along but that too will pass.

I am also looking into mindfulness and meditation too which also is helping, it is very much all about being in the now.

Like I said very early days but it is something that I am enjoying and it certainly cant hurt.
Good luck

[Phteven]

I try to remember that every moment I spend feeling angry is a moment that I can't spend feeling happy but I suspect that you know this already and you're looking for more practical ways of letting go.

For anger maybe try some yoga - concentrating on your breathing and releasing anger with each breath. Maybe some yoga classes will help you learn the techniques. Some classes include guided meditations as a way to help participants let go of their stress.

For my children we have anger bottles/mind jars. I find they help me too.

Emotion Bottles
Focus Bottle: Fill bottle 1/2 way with sand or birdseed and bury small objects (marble, paper clips, etc.) Kids roll the bottle to find objects.

Anger Bottle: Water, red food coloring and squirt of dishwashing soap. Kids shake to get anger out.

Dream or Calming Bottle: Water, silver glitter and blue food coloring. Turn bottle upside down and watch the glitter.

Dream or Calming Bottle: 1 cup corn syrup or vegetable oil, food coloring. Roll the bottle to watch it swirl.

Another Mind Jar

Because you're a grown up you don't need to glue the lids on

Do you have access to a boxing bag - you can try punching your anger out onto it.

[Sopdet]

Write down every single one of your issues that make you angry. Pour all the emotion into writing these things down. Then burn the paper and throw the ash into the wind, envisaging the issues & anger going with the paper.

Driving around and screaming at the top of your lungs, I usually do this down country roads with the music blaring.

[Beach Mama]

Are things resolved at the time??? You say you can't let it go because you are giving in but are the issues that are causing the anger/fights with DH actually resolved?? I find I get like this when I feel things have been brushed over, I don't hold grudges most of the time but sometimes I will blow up and realise it it because XYZ wasn't dealt with, or I felt like I wasn't heard etc. and that is why - then we talk it out and I usually feel better.

For me I feel better once I have apologised but I know that doesn't work for everyone. I have started to come to a place where I have realised I am only responsible for my own feelings and actions and the way I deal with them is crucial to my mental health (anxiety) so I have to let things go once I have reconciled them. Not wanting to "give in" can be turned around to being the one who is showing compassion and maturity in a relationship too though and often, for me I find when I do apologise, he will as well and we can work things out. Different situations though - Not sure if any of this helps really but I hope you find a way through as resentment over time can be a heavy load to carry.

[Fleur]

If it's really in the moment, getting physical can help. Run, punch, turn the music up & throw yourself around...

Otherwise I will be really intentional about letting it go. I can't just think '****' and they are gone. I will visualise my feelings... acknowledge that they are there, they exist. When I have them, then I can figure out what I need to do with them. It might be that I need to keep them but let go of the emotion around them, or I might be able to let it go altogether. There are some things I actually had to lock away - bury until the hurt passed and later on I was able to pull it out again, look at it & let it go then.

[Mother Goose]

You know, I use it to train. I go and pelt it out on the treadmill or my boxing bag (I have my own). If I know I can't train (for whatever reason), I take deep breaths, try and focus on something positive, give myself space from the cause, and then file away the anger so I can tap into it again when I'm training...and make my session REALLY productive! But that's me. DH hates that (and today is a perfect example) I can be so incredibly ****ed off with him yet a few hours later, I'm totally over it. Because I've turned the anger into something productive.

Oh, and I vent. My poor bestie copped a load of text messages today.

[kelsbels]

Thanks all!

Im going to try some mountain devil bush essence to dissolve the anger and grudges as well as seeing someone in the next fortnight who thinks he can help me to work through some of the pent up crap.

But you're right, for every day anger I need to find a way of channeling it into something useful or beneficial and see what happens.
Would love to hear any more replies, but thanks so much for the response so far xx

[Malyna]

I used to be angry, frustrated, annoyed, cheesed off with everything, but then i got sick of being so hard on myself and on others around me, so I just let it all go.

Nowadays, I hum/sing a song that i find uplifting, over and over again until I get past that moment of frustration. Write down what frustrates you and why it frustrates you and work through each of them.

Next time you feel angry, stop and ask yourself "why am I feeling this way?" - write it down or whatever helps you work through logically why you are feeling the way you are. What is it that is annoying you and making you feel angry.