I am so at my wits end. I am tired grumpy snappy and just over it all. I honestly feel like running away, curling into a ball and just crying.
Today I fell apart (again) when DH came home. He was at a work soccer game thing. DD is sick and DS is soooo unsettled. All they are doing is crying and whinging, they're tag teaming each other if it's not one its the other or just for fun its both of them.
DD is just so horrible at the moment. Just today, she has climbed on a dining chair and gotten a big knife off the benchtop, climbed onto the dining chair and got onto the dining table and emptied half a packet of bum wipes, tipped her milk into the tupperware and cupboard, emptied her and DS's clothes from the drawers and cupboards, thrown yet another toilet roll into the toilet, tipped her whole tub of yoghurt onto the table and smeared it everywhere (after she asked to have it), tipped her sultanas all over the carpet, tipped her drink into her lunch after two mouthfuls, threw her water bottle into the porta cot while DS was in it, ripped one of her books up, tipped her drink into one of her battery operated toys (now no longer works)....I can't think of anything else.....I just can't keep up with her. Most of the time I'm in the room with her, sometimes even right next to her. I try not to get angry or frustrated, but I just can't help it sometimes. Its just constant. I tyr to keep her occupied, gie her interesting things to do, play with her alot. But still she does these things.
I'm so sick of being so negative with her. Everything is 'No don't touch...Not for Lily.....stop....Get down...don't climb....No, don't, Stop.....' All the time. She must be sick of it too, I can't imagine it would be very nice for her to hear. I'm worried I'm going to damage ehr self esteem somehow or something. She's just going to think she's naughty and act naughty because of it, but I don't know what to do, I've tryied everything I know. DH has no patience for her either and tells her she's naughty and stuff like that. I hate listening to him talk to her. I have asked him to treat her with respect but I just have no energy to try to teach him how, to follow through. I have to try to teach Lily all day, let alone trying to teach him too.
I can't clean anything cause she just wreaks things behind me, or stands at my legs whinging. My house is really filthy and I just feel so out of sorts when it's like this. I feel so down and depressed cause I feel like I can't catch up. I'm constantly chasing my tail. I have piles of washed clothes that have been sitting in the baskets for a week now. The washing up has been in the sink for two days. I get it half done before I have to do something else for one of the kids.
I feel trapped in my house. We live in a 3rd floor unit and it's so hard to get down the stairs with both kids on my own. Liam is 6.6kgs now and Lily 11kgs, plus my bag their bag, the capsule...by the end of it I'm carrying about 20kgs extra. And now DS is getting too big for the capsule so I won't be able to use that to carry him down (I have him in the capsule and DD in the peanutshell sling on my hip, hold the bags in my 'free' hand). It's such an effort to get out and especially back up again. Besides that we have no spare money to go anywhere with. Not that I need money to go everywhere, but its nice to have sometimes.
DH is ignoring that there is any problem, and I guess so am I. I have tried to ask him if he's happy, why he's angry, but he takes it literally for the point in time I ask him. I'm just too tired to try to prise information from him. I'm too tired to try to explain how feel. After screaming at DH for no good reason today, I just couldn't do it anymore, I went into DD's room (only free room in the place) and fell apart. When I was crying, he came into the room and said 'what are you doing' I said (in between sobs, with a tear stained swollen face) 'quietly going insane' and he walked out, leaving DD with me. I feel so...ugh. Everything is an effort.
I told the MCHN how I feel and that I'm teary, and I did the test thing you do a thousand times. She said I was almost borderline depressed, and offered for strangers to come into my home to help with my children (I don't want help from strangers). By that time, DS was screaming, DD was getting onto the table to get to the taps they have there and into the desk drawer pulling out all of the pens and stuff. She did nothing to help, and just kept on talking at me. So I just said thanks but no and left. I have no good friends to help or talk to. My mum has other things to worry about and gets stressed when looking after Lily anyway. I don't really have anyone else.
I'm just so over it.