Hey Jennifer13 I understand you concerns I went through having the OK MIL to having the MIL from hell. There is a lot more to be concerned about than having the MIL around for the birth. Here is my little story:
Luckily MIL lives in another state so it was too difficult for her to be over for the birth, even though DH and I had discussed it and agreed that we did not want her over in the 1st 2 weeks after the birth so we could have some bonding time. I knew she was going to come over fairly soon after the birth and stay with us for 2 weeks to help out. At the time I convinced myself it was a good idea as everything I had heard told me to accept all offers of help (not true at all!) and I had had a pretty bad c -s section. Whilst I was in hospital she called me and stated quite bluntly that she WAS coming over and we had NO choice about her staying with us (in reference to FIL staying in a hotel) and she had her way she would have been over sooner.
So much for helping the first couple of days she was over she kept on asking what she could do and would say "the washing". The basket was overflowing, everyone could see when they went to the toilet and she would still ask what could she do. Err what about the washing!!! Once she finally did the washing all she did was question the way I wanted it done, then she mentioned that she only uses half the washing powder! I was wondering why half the washing came back like it had not been washed.
We have a small house that we are renovating, so MIL had to sleep in our living area. So I had no privacy when it come to bf'ing etc and I refused to hide out in my bedroom without the TV.
One day I was really sure that bubs was not feeding properly, in my sleep deprived state I found this really upsetting, I was trying to tell DH of my concerns and she would tell him "don't listen to her she is being stupid and hormonal" (Anyway I was right bubs was not feeding properly and had started to lose weight.)
One that same day we were out shopping and she was insistent on finding a Bunnykins bowl. I was fine with that so long as she let me sit down and get a drink, but she did not seem to want to let me. I was exhausted and dehydrated and really should not have left the house. On the way home she started crapping on about how babies of girls in her town sleep through at 2 weeks. I went off at her screaming and crying that I did not want to be compared to other women and their babies. She aid she was not comparing me. Why tell me this, how was it going to make me feel better? When we got home I was still really upset and she shoved the Bunnykins bowl in my face and expected me to be happy and grateful for it. WTF? DH pulled me aside and started the "she means well" crap. She had only be with us 2 days and I wanted her gone!
I ended up having trouble with bf'ing and really wanted to persevere. So I had to end up expressing a lot. Whilst I was expressing she would comment on the size of my nipples and make comments like "you only have to bf for 6 weeks, I know 'cause I had 2 boys" WTF?! Basically she gave me no useful advice whatsoever and was highly critical of everything I did. She was subtle in her criticism though, she would never say I was wrong or that she didn't agree, she was continually ask me "why" over and over again and if she really didn't like what she heard she would go "oh.....right" The longer the gap between the words the more she disliked it.
I was getting home visits from the MCHN rather than visiting the clinic. After every visit she would tell me to do the opposite of what they said. If I did it her way and it didn't work she would then suggest the MCHN's way as if it was her own. I was so confused. Once again DH was like "she means well"
She would constantly say how much better she was than a lot of other people because she reads, but she would then criticise me for reading to much parenting stuff and she didn't need a book to raise kids. First of all how hypocritical to criticise me for reading, maybe if she read something other than fiction she may not need to ask "but why" so often. Secondly if she was such a great mother why is her youngest son an ex dope head turned alcoholic who can barely hold down a job for longer than 2 months?!
After 5 days FIL came to visit (he & MIL are divorced, been apart for more than 20 years) MIL turned into a stupid school girl. She dominated all conversations with him and tried everything she to impress him. I really like my FIL and wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't. Her behaviour was embarrassing, normally I would not care that she still has feelings for him, but she brought it into my house and made me feel like an outsider. Anyway we were taking some family photos and doing a couple of shots of the paternal gp's with Maggie. Whilst these photos were being taken she commented on how FIL's new wife would be "****ed off" by the photos. What a thing to say! I don't want Maggie used as a tool by her.
Her visit had started to cause a real rift between DH and I was he felt that he was being forced to choose between us.
MIL finally left us after nearly 2 weeks, rather upset that I never listened to her (I tried to but her advice was crap and verging on dangerous) and how I rarely let her hold bubs. I was in such a daze I had no consideration of the needs of others other than my own daughter's. Also bubs was at the sleep and feed stage, so there was not much holding for other people to do!
Sorry if it sounds a bit jumbled, I am still so annoyed with her and she did a lot more other things. From now on I am not going to accept any well meaning advise if it is either unsolicited and/or dangerous. I believe the person giving the advice should be told it is not welcome, they will never learn if we just smile and then thank them for it.
All I can suggest is to try and set any ground rules early and don't accept any help that is emotionally damaging.
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