Parenting After an Unplanned Pregnancy

[Jellyfish]

I wasn't exactly sure where to put this so if there is a more appropriate area, feel free to move it.

I thought it would be nice to have a thread where people who are parents due to an unplanned pregnancy could talk. I think there are some unique feelings and struggles that mean we could benefit from discussion and companionship with those in similar situations.

I'm JB; a 21 year old Mum to almost 6 month old Imogen. When I was 20, I found out I was expecting with my partner who was 24 (now 25). I did visit an abortion clinic during my pregnancy and I feel huge guilt over that. I also research adoption but in the end, I decided to become a parent (my partner wanted this from the start but supported me in whatever I choose). My pregnancy was hard; I felt as though my life was about to be over. I would ask "why me? I used contraception"... but there really is no answer, sometimes things just happen!

I find it quite hard. I think about my old life daily. I love my daughter and I know had we not conceived then, any future child would not have been her so I am thankful for the way things turned out but I grieve what I have lost. I deferred from University, am rarely able to go out on the weekend with my friends and have to think for two people now. I feel like I wasn't 'grown up' enough and still have to constantly fight back my selfish side!!

I also find that this has set a ball into motion. I have always wanted more than one child and for them to be close in age. I now yearn for our own home to raise our family so instead of spending money on the latest gadget or hot outfit, we are saving. I feel like I have missed a few steps and it is difficult to find a place to put them; namely University.

I must admit that I am enjoying my 'new' and different life. I don't know how to explain it because I don't wish things were different. There is just this sense of loss. I guess all new parents feel that in some way but I find it hard to relate to parents who have actively tried to fall pregnant because there is this guilt towards them (which is nothing to do with them and completely to do with my own demons and battles). Guilt over my reservations, fears and actions during pregnancy.

Anyone else out there in this boat? I don't know, just hoping there is someone out there that understands what I mean!

[Dansta]

Hi JB. Mummy to a 7month old DS, Darren (Dj). my Hubby and i wherent really avoiding getting pregnant but we where also 'playing it safe' with timeing ect. (we'd only been engaged about 2months at this point). Dh is ten years older then i so it kind of 'fitted in better' with his plans. my life was changed - 3 months of hideing it from family then being pushed into gettig married early (insted of may '09 it was Nov '08) and admitedly the one part i didnt like about being pregnant around that time was my Hens night - all i wanted to do was go out for dinner and go to a pub or something with 'night life' and let my hair down. but as it was desided for me (by my mother and sister ) it was dinner then back to my place for 'games'
I can totaly understand the feeling of 'missing' your life before, i do that as well, the "what if's" often creep into my mind on bad nights. but like you i cant even begin to wonder about what life would be like with out DJ in my life (or DH's eather). its hard when friends just dont get it isnt it?
I'm like you though. i want more children and DH and i are taking the same apporch to it as with Dj "if it happens, it happens" I'm glad to hear im not the only one who from time to time wants to not have to think for another person (or two if you inc. DH )
Oh do you have to deal with "Ohh you dont need to go out, and go clubbing your a mother now?" or is that just my mother who says that??

[foreva*your*mummy]

Hi there, It was really strange reading your post because I must admit that I felt exactly like that. I was 18 when I fell pregnant and my DP was 16. It was so hard. My ds is now 7 my partner and I are still together and are now almost due to have our 3rd baby. I know it is very hard at the time but you can move on. I still think ( sometimes) that I missed out on things but it has worked out for us.
The problem I had was that becauce I had this stigma attatched to me ( young mum) that I found it really hard to get older ( in my head ) so when I turned 25 it was really hard.
I was no longer looked at as a young mum and that was really weird. People are shocked when they find out how young we are because you do start to hang out with older friends, their kids are in the same age group and you have far more in common with them.
Good luck with raising Imogen it will be a hard but very rewarding road

[Ryatha]

I wasn't a 'young mum' as I was 24 when I became pregnant with DD1 and 25 when she was born but so many people commented that I was too young to have my first baby! I desperately wanted her but we weren't really trying. I was the first of my friends to have a baby and found it a bit strange that while they were in uni or working on their careers I was on maternity leave. I also found that I didn't have much in commen with them any more.

What DH and I did in the end as I was very unhappy with my work and how my life was turning out was I went back to uni when DD1 was 3 and changed careers. I found it the most rewarding thing I have ever done and uni was so different when I was older and wiser (ha!). I was able to do a lot of the things that I feel that i missed out on, and when I did do them (clubbing, going out all night, etc) I found I actually wanted to be home with DD1 and DH. Now we have just had DD2 and I am so much happier and enjoying the babyhood. I've also made an effort to meet a lot of new friends with children the same age so I have people to hang out with and who understand what I am going through.

I guess what I am trying to say, is even though things might be turning out different to what you expected, you can work within the situation and change it to how you like it.

[Jellyfish]

I understand missing out on your hen's night a little... I had my 21st when I was 7 months pregnant so just out to dinner instead of a more crazy night haha.

I am quite lucky in that my close friends (2 girls and a guy), I still see every few days and are really into it all. There are awkward things; they don't really understand why I won't let her CIO and are constantly asking when she will be weaned to a bottle. I know they are just looking out for my best interests but they don't get that I'm looking out for hers. I also have some wonderful Mummy friends who are fun and really helpful because they get the whole being a parent thing.

I guess I am just working through a lot of emotion from my pregnancy and now the realization that Imogen is the product of that. When I was pregnant, it was so hard to imagine what that really meant. Now that I have her in my life, there is no way I would have been able to even contemplate any other option.

I hope I do get to go to Uni one day. My partner also wants to go (he is a lab technician and would like to study something along the chemistry lines) so I think that will happen first. I think part of it is missing out on doing it with my friends since they are all at Uni currently.

Thanks for all the responses, good to know some similar feelings are/have been around. Will probably have more to write a little bit later but duty calls

[Dansta]

Krissy- wow you've done so well! i admire that you've taken it all in your stride - and hope that myself and DH can belike you and your DP - i'd LOVE to have 3 kids by the time im 27!

ryatha - wow you've done so much! i'm glad that you got to go to Uni and do the things in life you'd wanted to. im sure Uni would have been differant looking at it though the eyes of a perant! (as such KWIM?)

JB- your lucky you still have friends from pre-baby. i think most of mine have gone "****" into the dust of the past. mainly becuase they dont seem to understand that its not just about 'me' any more its about 'us' (DJ and I - even though FF, he's not very good - just yet- with staying more then 2hrs with out me) i guess its also that i'm a SAHM as well - people seem to think its 'ok' to bale on me becuase of 'so and so is sick" *cough*bulltwaddle*cough*.

Has any one else had people assume they're old then what they are becuase they have a baby? i'm 20 and had people guess my age at 25...

[HotI]

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