Parenting disagreements: discuss in front of child or not?

[Astrid]

I have in the past slipped up and disagreed in front of the kids, and as my psych said to me its important to do so. Children do need to see conflict as often children who do not do not know handle it well as adults... HOWEVER this is a biggy... don't have conflict without resolution. We make it very clear in front of our children that we are resolving it and when their is resolution (which always ends with us both apologising, acknowledging each others feelings and showing intimacy through cuddles etc) we include them in it if they have been there. One thing I will never forget is my psych said to me its important for children to see all aspects of our relationship, but it is important for us to show respect in doing so to each other and our children.

This is so important. DH never saw anyone in his family argue and as such has no idea how to behave during an argument. I saw a lot when I grew up (too much really), so am used to a good barny to get things out in the air and get some resolution. As a result of him not knowing how argue, we often have more argument than necessary as nothing gets resolved from the original one.

I try not to disagree too much in front of the kids, but if I think something is going to far, then I do step in. If anything though I tend to step in more in front of others, as DH has a tendency to "show off' his parenting and goes overboard.

[jakodai]

I saw a lot when I grew up (too much really), so am used to a good barny to get things out in the air and get some resolution.

So am I - but since being pregnant I'm trying to tone myself down a bit, mainly because the arguments that I'd normally start (I'd generally always start them...) just weren't worth getting stressed about. Now I try and calm myself down doing the whole counting to 10 thing and then try and tackle whatever problem we're having. I guess I'm just really bad at over-reacting. A guy I work with told me that you should always say the second thing that comes into your mind, because most of the time the first thing is the wrong thing. And the more I think about it, the more I believe it's true.

Having said that though, I also don't think it's healthy to keep your feelings & emotions inside. If you have an opinion or you disagree with something that's happening, you need to be true to yourself and voice that opinion. Whether it be later on your own, or if you think it's bad enough to warrant something being said straight away - you have the right to say what you have to say.

[Mrs Jak]

I do sometimes challenge DH about things in front of DD, when I feel he is being over the top, but I guess I don't get defensive as such. I just come out and say what I think, but calmly. He doesn't love it, but usually takes it in or has his say again and we haven't majorly argued in front of her.

It's hard to have previously discussed how you will both deal with each and every little issue that will arise before it happens and one parent may have already set a precedent by dealing with an issue in one way and then the other comes along and deals with it in a totally different way, totally confusing the poor kid. That's when I say, 'Well, usually we say this or do this'.

[krysalyss]

It depends. Sometimes I think issues need to be addressed then and there, otherwise one parents makes a decision and then later the rules change for no apparent reason. If you have a valid, logical reason for disagreeing and can present it respectfully I can't see it as a problem. If you start attacking the other parent or belittling etc then it is always going to be bad. Big issues/rule changes we tend to discuss beforehand when possible to avoid chopping and changing what we say.