Parents in law driving me up the wall!!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Now, I have the opposite issue. But I'm still mad at DH for not supporting me! His mum is allowed to dote on their first grandchild by his brother but not care about Liebling. And I'm not allowed to ask her to help by taking him out to the park for a couple of hours, which she was doing every other day for Niece without being asked.

My mum, on the other hand, was the pushy overbearing one. So we didn't visit and when she did DS had seperation anxiety for so long or whatever. So she'd start doing the frigging ironing or cleaning!

Now, what I'd be doing in your situation is just not answering the phone or opening the door to them. If they do turn up and your DH lets them in, take the baby to the bedroom. If the grab the baby for a cuddle, give the baby a sly pinch and blame seperation anxiety. Eventually you'll train the baby to scream upon seeing grandparents.

I have thrashed out a lot of issues with my mother (eg her giving him foods I had banned because of allergies) and now I can finally trust her, he eventually was baby-sat by her this Christmas just gone. She had been nagging to do this since before he was born, even doing up a little nursery for him. She is now being his grandmother and not his mother, so I am more comfortable. She no longer offers stupid advice but finally acknowledges I know where I'm at with DS. And that if she didn't then she wouldn't have much to do with DS.

On the whole, I prefer the interested to the disinterested PiL I have. Because I can channel my mum into making jumpers! I was furious she wanted to make DS's first birthday cake, she was upset that I wouldn't let her! (DH did it; that's his big thing he likes to do.) And I was telling her to back off all the time; she just got miffed and didn't listen. Actually, the disinterested PiL were a minor godsend, but they were no help whatsoever and that isn't good. But as DS is growing up and he IS ready to have an evening without me then it's great to have a grandma he knows and trusts.

But they should not have the treat of having your child without respecting you. Explain that to your husband and I hope he'll stick up for you, not to spite his family, but just so you both know you can trust his parents with your most precious thing ever.

Good luck.

[mitzy81]

We don't have any children, but I really do feel for you because I know that when we have kids, we will be in the same situation. It drives me nuts. We live IMO too close to DP family. His parents are at our place all the time. It is ok for them, they don't work whereas we work full time, and have a new house which needs work done and would like to get it finished before we have a baby, we have weekends only to ourselves, and normally they come around Saturday, Sunday and normally drop in 2 nights a wk. It woud be ok if it was a half hour visit, but it is normally 4hrs at a time and FIL sits on the couch falling asleep! Can't he do that at his place?! The other week we had an early night, so at 8pm the phone rings... I said don't answer it! So 10mins later...knock knock knock. Even though we didn't answer the phone, they still came around. They were knocking and waited out the front of our place for 15mins! When my parents visit which is very rare, DP goes out, yet when his parents visit I am expected to stay and entertain them! (Mummy's boy). My New Years resolution was to spend less time with the inlaws, so from now on when they visit, that is my walk time, grocery time and visit friends time!

[tk1999]

Peachy, I got a BFP today so will wait and see how my ILs go (and my parents for that matter)

[mitzy81]

Congrats! That is so good to hear... PCOS person also... makes me feel more positive about it all!

[Jennifer13]

Oh boy, this sounds soooo familiar to me. Why is it always the ILs????!!!

My MIL tried to take over during the pg (first grandchild both sides, but my Mum was the best!), I spent most of the time 'managing' her expectations and they still came crashing down after DD was born. She threw a big tantrum, had a huge argument with DP (thankfully, not me) and didn't speak to us for 6 mths! Bliss! Didn't last, but she is better since. Our boundaries are VERY CLEAR. She causes grief, but it's contained and controlled and has minimal impact on DD, who loves her Grandma. DP's brother is finally having a baby with his fiancee and this may or may not take the pressure off us! (MIL says she doesn't care what this baby is, as she already has her much-wanted beautiful granddaughter...).

Your DH needs to stand by you and respect your feelings, in spite of his family. You and DS are his family now, the extended family needs to respect this and take the backseat supportive role they are meant to. They've raised their children, it's time to wait and be asked for what you need, not do it for you. DP always did this for me and despite the problems his family caused in our relationship, it would have been MUCH worse had he not been so clear and supportive with me.

[Glamourcide]

You and DS are his family now, the extended family needs to respect this and take the backseat supportive role they are meant to.

Ah, that's what I forgot to say in my post!! I totally agree - my FiL was always harping on and on and on about how 'you two are your own family now, and when bub arrives it'll be just the three of you - we'll stay out of your business but we still want to be involved'...
and then when she was born it suddenly became 'WE WANNA SEE HER, WE NEVER GET TO SEE HER, YOU TWO ARE SO SELFISH AND YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT FAMILY, WHERE'S YOUR LOYALTY BLAH BLAH BLAH' and I just got sick to the gills of it...
Where was his loyalty to his family when he kicked my DH out at 16 years of age and didn't speak to him for three years?
Honestly I think his little tirades about how we were our own family and didn't need anybody interfering were just his way of having a dig at my mother, who yes can have her moments of being a royal pain but at least she has never been such a complete asshat as my FiL.
(He was just on the phone a minute ago demanding to know whether we'd completed his latest 'to do' list... Umm, DH is at work for ten hours a day and I'm at home with a baby - your stuff cna just wait, you're not going anywhere.) Ugh.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

MIL says she doesn't care what this baby is, as she already has her much-wanted beautiful granddaughter...

Jennifer, MiL still adores her granddaughter, her much longed for little girl in the family. Her grandson is, to all intents and purposes, ignored as completely as she can do so. She'll babysit Niece, but not Liebling. She loves Niece but can't even name Liebling's favourite toy (books, not Thomas/Brio/Duplo... although Thomas books are enjoyed).

Won't take anything off you! They'll still visit you and not their other grandchild because your daughter is the one they want and they don't give a stuff about any other grandchild now.

Oooh, sorry, am I appearing a little bit bitter now? Hope your MiL is better to her other DiL than mine is to me.

[SophieRose]

I'm freaking out a bit because DP is an only child, and although he has a little girl from a previous relationship, the in-laws never get to see her because of DP's ex. So now i'm worried because i think that because this bub is going to be there all the time for them to see. eek!!
When Paige (DP's little girl) comes over every second weekend his parents keep calling and insisting that they take her out to do something or other. Even when she was really sick, they still insisted on taking her to the work christmas party at a pool!!! DP caves in with Paige, but let me tell you, if there is any random "show-ups" or they over step their boundaries and won't leave us the hell alone, i'm going to have to have the talk with them.

My mum is pretty good, and i know she won't be overbearing. So i'm not worried about my parents. But i'm definatly worried about the in-laws

[thepixie]

peachy just wanted to say i feel for ya babe! I thought my ILs would be exactly like this when we had our DD (who was eleven days overdue and also born on 9/08/08! snap!). But they haven't been a problem at all. I have a sneaky suspicion the Bear might have given them a bit of a talking to... As far as the birth, I made it clear even beforehand that I would not tell anyone I was in labour until after the baby was born... the way I see it, labour and birth is intensely private and you are already under enough pressure without MIL or anyone else waiting around outside! I don't know that they liked it but tough. I have to say since she was born they have been great. They are around a lot but they always call, they don't get thingy if we cancel, and although FIL comes up with some rather-too-elaborate schemes for things to do with her at times, I have found that MIL helps me divert him (rather like you would a toddler!). All you can do is be very upfront and say no a lot. In the end he's your baby. Besides, if they aggravate him enough he will start to cry and nothing gets a baby handed back to mum quicker than a good cry!
Anyway you should pop into our baby buddies thread sometime if you like!