Remarrying

[RainbowRiver]

Sorry if this is in the wrong section!

Both my ex DH and myself are remarrying new partners. Our kids have his name still, my baking bub will have my maiden name until such a time as I marry, then will change it (it's what DF and I have decided, please don't question why or try changing my mind, it's for personal reasons).

My question is, for those that have remarried, did you change your 'existing' kids surnames or just leave them be - assuming they have your married name of course

[Chocaholic]

How old are your children? If they are of a suitable age, I would ask them what they think.

My sisters children have their fathers name and they have asked that their last name be changed to my sisters maiden name as they want nothing to do with their father (he no longer acknowledges them as his). My sister has agreed and their paternal grandparents have been advised that their name will be changing. They have asked that it be their 18th birthday present (they are 14, 13 and 7 at the moment) so they can start afresh as adults.

If it is not an acrimonious relationship with your ex, I would leave their names as they are.

[RainbowRiver]

They are all young, the eldest is 6

[ladybirdflies]

my first two have their dad's name. Babies with my new hubby have his name (which i have too) All children have my maiden name as part of their middle name.

[Beatrix]

My children have their fathers name. I wish they had my last name but understand why they can't. He is their dad and we chose together to give them his last name. If when they are older they wish to change then we will travel down that path.

To change your children's last name your ex would have to sign and give permission. It's about $160 per child.

[BellyBelly]

My bubba has my new partner's name (but now I wish I would have done what you're doing) but I would never change my older kids names. To me, personally, it would feel disrespectful of the father - I reckon he'd feel pretty awful after being dad and raising them to have someone else come along and take ownership in that way. As much as my ex and I have struggled to get along, I think it'd be very hurtful if it happened to me....

[Amity]

I never took my XH's name. It's a horrid name. My surname is awesome.

My children were hyphenated from birth. He didn't like it at all. I told him he needed to come up with a really good reason why his name should be there at all.

So they have hisname-myname as their surnames and they're completely fine with it. They often drop his name I refuse to comment one way or the other.

If I ever remarry, I still will be keeping my name professionally at least, so they will continue to use my name.

[~clover~]

I also kept my name when I married, my kids have their dads name. If I was ever crazy enough to remarry, I wouldn't change their names unless they asked. DS is only 4 & has decided his name is J mumsname dadsname. He won't have it any other way.

Ex did change his name from his mums name to his step dads name, but he didn't know his dad. He has alot of respect for his step dad, as he is the one who raised him.

I personally wouldn't do it without the kids making the decision, or asking of their own accord. I don't think I'd even ask them to make that decision. But if they asked off their own bats I'd maybe consider it.

[RainbowRiver]

Thank you everyone for your stories. I won't change their name, I was just curious what others have or would do.

[sushee]

2 of my 3 kids wanted to take their step-dad's surname when I remarried. They were 10 and almost 14 at the time. Their dad said no, he would not sign anything that would allow them to change their names legally, and so they didn't.

I didn't ask them to, they wanted it, and to be honest I'm glad they weren't allowed to. They now appreciate and have a relationship with their father but have less of one with their step dad now that I'm no longer with him.

[Katters]

DD1- my surname. I told her dad children only get surnames of their father when they are married and my view wasn't changing. I was happy to change ours both when we married. He didn't care much either way. We separated when DD1 was 4, met new partner and conceived DS1, was undecided but desperately wanted him to have my name until married, like my daughter. He'd talked me out of it and into giving him his surname but then he did me a favour and left me without notice or reason 8 weeks ago. I'm full term today and when born, DS1 will have my last name like the rest of my little family.

[*EJ*]

I have no opinion from experience but...

DH's name was changed from his dad's to his step dad's. So was his older brother and his younger brother. I'm not sure how old he was but it was youngish. His older sister and oldest brother (different dad) kept their dads name. DH's dad passed away so maybe that was the reasoning for it... Not too sure??

There was a time there when DH's mum and step dad separated and that was the only time the name thing bothered me. It bothered me to think my married name and the name of my kids wasn't connected to us by blood or by that person being in the family anymore. They got back together though and I'm ok with it now.

Just a different angle for you to look at :-)

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

My brother & I kept our dads name, despite the amount of love i feel for my stepdad I would never have changed my name.

I also doubt very much my dad would ever have agreed to it.

I have half brothers with my stepdads name and half brothers with my dads name, it doesn't cause any issue at all.

[Lisa]

My eldest kids have hyphenated surnames - their dad's surname & my (married) surname. They were 7 & 10 when the initial changes were done.

[Cranky Kitten]

DD has XP's surname, and will do so until she is 18 and old enough to change it herself. Possibly if she asks I may see about convincing XP to allow her to hyphenate my married name onto it, but at the moment it hasn't come up. DS and I have DH's surname, DD's never really been bothered by different names in the family and will occasionally call DH "dad" as well as calling her father Dad.

[AnyDream]

I kept my own surname when I married (ie, my father's surname). My DDs have their father's surname, and my surname as an additional middle name. Because our family already has a mix of surnames (mine and DH's) I can't imagine too many scenarios where I would actively change my kids' surnames. A complete breakdown of the father-child relationship, abuse, or crime, probably.

My mother changed her name when she married her 2nd husband, but then they divorced. 30 years later and she's still got her 2nd husband's name even though she hasn't seen him in decades, has nothing to do with any of his family or even a shared social circle. That's just downright WEIRD, if you ask me. If she'd changed our names at that time, we would have been faced with an additional layer of change and inconvenience when that marriage broke down. If she'd changed our names and then decided NOT to change them back, it would have been another layer of inconvenience to deal with in early adulthood, when you're setting up all the paperwork to do with tax, banking, study, finding somewhere to live, travel, etc.

In my mind, it's just easier and more elegant if everyone just keeps the name they were given when they were born!

[Jellyfish]

My DD1 has her dad's name and my DD2 has her dad's name (my partner). We will be getting married soon and I'm undecided about whether I will take my partner's name or not as I don't want my DD1 to be left out and I would never suggest to her that she should change her name. When we discuss names we talk about how DD2 is the same as her dad, DD1 same as her dad, mummy same as Poppa (my dad) etc. Recently my DD1 brought up wanting to match mummy, I can't figure out where it has come from but I just went through again how we all match our dads and that whilst our names didn't match we had matching noses and the same colour eyes etc which seemed to make her okay about it all again. I think it would upset her dad to change her name although I would kind of like it, it isn't something I want to pursue or encourage. DD1 is almost 4 so I think too young to make that choice.

What happens when we get married... I don't know. She did go on in that conversation to ask what matched between her and DP, they are very close as we have been together since she was 2 and she doesn't remember living anywhere else so I just explained things they both enjoyed doing together. I don't think I could change her name to DP's, even though he is a very important part of her and our life it would seem disrespectful to her actual dad and the choice we originally made together. So then I wonder if I will change my name.... it can be tough navigating blended families even when you all are amicable and positive.

[bubno.3]

DD1- my surname. I told her dad children only get surnames of their father when they are married and my view wasn't changing. I was happy to change ours both when we married. He didn't care much either way. We separated when DD1 was 4, met new partner and conceived DS1, was undecided but desperately wanted him to have my name until married, like my daughter. He'd talked me out of it and into giving him his surname but then he did me a favour and left me without notice or reason 8 weeks ago. I'm full term today and when born, DS1 will have my last name like the rest of my little family.

OMG Katters how are you ? Any baby and i hope you have huge network of support around you . (i had to reply and dont mean to hijack or divert the orginal thread here ok)