I feel like I have all the responsibility and he has none. Our daughter is 9 months and sure I work less but he doesn't seem to realise motherhood is like another full time job. Especially with teething. I do all the house work and baby settling. He has good friendships with people that used to be both our friends and acts like nothing has changed in his life. Sure has for me. Feeling so alone
I'm hearing you! For the last few weeks I've had the issue of DP being a lazy arse & not contributing around the house meanwhile I work 40hrs a week, raise my 12yr old DD, run the house & have a baby inside me that is constantly draining my energy. I ended up telling him how I resent him when he's home before me or has a RDO & yet I still cook, do dishes, fold washing etc. I've been reduced to tears twice in the last week from frustration! He just doesn't get it.
I hope you can get your husband to take note & give you a hand. If you can get him to listen could you please share your technique because I'm all out of ideas.
Hugs. Oh dear, it sounds like he needs a wake up call....have you spoken to him about how you feel? Do you know what you'd like him to help with, so you can go to him with a specific list of wants and non-negotiable needs? eg I need you to take some more responsibility for our household and raising our daughter. I'd like you to help with some of the following....cook one night a week, take the bins out/in, take DD out twice a week for at least an hour for some Daddy/daughter bonding, bath DD, do the grocery shopping, fold the washing or do the dishes (whatever you want). That way he can choose what he wants to do, but within the parameters of what you need from him. Make sure he knows how resentful you feel about him continuing friendships without you - that would be a huge issue for me. Can you socialise with your friends together?
You also need to put aside some time for the three of you as a family as this will help him to bond with you both and want to be part of your DD's life. And of course, the two of you need some time together as a couple - if you can't get DD free time, try date night at home (works well for us).
A good friend had the same issue with her DH. Once she forced the issue (and it took some forcing!), he was able to start to bond with his DS and then started to actually WANT to be part of the family - which meant helping out with childcare and housework as well as coming on family outings. Don't get me wrong, she still does the vast majority, but at least now she feels respected and acknowledged for what she does, and feels like her DH is part of the family unit as opposed to being like a freeloading houseguest. Her DS was three before his Dad had ever looked after him on his own (not even for 10 mins while she got milk). He'd never fed him, gotten up to him, changed a nappy or even put him in his car seat.
Thanks. I find it hard to say and then I bottle it up and end up looking like a psycho. Tonight I spent half an hour settling Bubs and then came out and all the dishes were still there. Again. I had mentioned he does nothing to help in a text, cowardly I know but sometimes it's the only way I feel I can and so I did the dishes and I said next week it's paper plates. Someone was telling me when they didn't put their dishes in the dishwasher constantly their mother took everyone's plates and cups away for a week and they had to try eat without them. I just think they should get it you know? Especially when they can't do the sleep settling thing for 5 mons without losing patience.
Also doesn't help he works 11 hr days sometimes and sometimes 13 days straight. But I'm working 3 days and back full time soon and I just don't know how I'm not going to have a breakdown
Years ago, I did tell DH (who did help, but forgot those niggly things that would drive me batty) that if he didn't put his dirty washing in the basket, I wouldn't wash it and if he didn't help wash up, I'd just stop cooking when we ran out of dishes. He had to wear casual clothes one day and go 'commando', and get his own dinner one night, but it worked
I think you need to be more direct than a text...it's not good for you to be bottling up your feelings. As you go to settle DD, ask if he could wash the dishes while you're gone. If they're still not done, suggest that you swap roles next time. If he doesn't help, tell him you'd like to get a cleaner as you're having trouble doing everything on your own. If he complains about this, ask him to come up with alternatives - he might be more amenable to help if he feels it's his idea!
Resenting the hell out of my husband
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