to the single parents....

[Amity]

I'm just starting out on the journey of singledom, so I guess I haven't had the heartache side of it yet. It's still new to me and I'm enjoying it.

Then again, I do have the times thinking "who's going to want a 99.5kg single mum with two kids under 4???"

[Lilly-Pilly]

Divvy, I always thought the same thing myself, who's want a single mum??

Then You get so wrapped up in your life and looking after the kids and makinf everything okay for them and think how would i ever have time to find someone else anyway!

I certainly wasn't looking when DP and I got together, we'd been friend for years and always caught up for a coffee and gossip, and then suddenly one day our usual coffee catch up turned into a three hour coffee catch up, and all next thing we knew everything changed and now we've been together for 14 months

[simone]

I thought no-one could want me, especially as single mums dont get a good rap where im from, but DH was happy to be with me, and even happier to take my son on as his own. There's always someone out there for you

[kerry]

Sometimes, i think about leaving and just letting him have the kids, That what makes it so hard to leave, he wants the kids.

Thinking or considering???.... think about things seriously, you mentioned mental abuse, would you want your kids to grow up with that and you not be there to protect or reassure them?

Stardragon/Dee - I have felt like that since B was born, that I was doing it all on my own. X just went to work, came home, went to bed, got up ate and went back to work. I would ask him what we should do about this or that and he would just say, "your the mum you work it out".

Dee - glad you have found a nice DP. Hope your X's next woman is a vast improvement on the last one. How has Ashlea handled their split. At least you should see some improvemnt in her behaviour now the poisonous witch is gone.

Divvy - when the time is right you will meet someone, and it wont matter about children, or weight or anything else... because it is you he will want to be with and honestly that's the kind of guy you want anyway.

[Lilly-Pilly]

Kerry, Ashlea hasn't really had to deal with anything to do with the break up yet cause her dad lives a few hours away and we take turns travelling every second week so she still sees him regually.

While he is finding somewhere else to live he said not to come up whcih is fine by me, although i have talked to Ash about it and she's happy to not have to see Jenna anymore cause she's been able to see through her for a long time

[simone]

Kellie - enjoy the 40*C weekend!!!sounds like a good holiday, well deserved

[Lilly-Pilly]

Kel, how was the holiday?

I went and stayed with my best friend in QLD not long ago and she had 3 kids, 3 months, 2 and 3 and I have Ashlea, 5

We were looking forward to it all, talking about the kids playing, us relaxing blah blah blah!!!! They fought most of the time, up until about a day before we left! We never thought about the fact that the kids weren't used to being in a new place or having to share their toys and house with strangers!!! Still, we had a fatnastic time and the girls all miss each other heaps now

[simone]

Well, we are plodding along here, having probs with XH - he wants tosort out an arrangement right now, and what we have is working for us, adn iwould like to keep itgoing (right now us being in the same place for more than 5 mins results in a fight)

Last night he walked out because i wouldnt sit down with him and have a "discussion." Then 20mins later when he'd cooled down, he came back!! The kds were really confused, and i told him he couldnt walk in and out all the time. He told me he didnt even have to come back, he'd already had his visitation. So i said dont bother then, and put the kids to bed. He told me if i didnt let him see them it would be in violation of our agreement (unrestricted access between 6pm and 8am ) but that doesnt mean he can walk in and out of my house whenever he feels like it!! Its just really frustrating, as im trying tomake this as easy on the kids as possible. So he ruined my plans last night (i wanted to go out and do anything that didnt involve housework!!) because he's just being stubborn. This is so much harder then i thought - at least when it was just me and Xander - fine i didnt really get a break, but i could do what i wanted, when i wanted, as Xander's dad never hung around. It was easier in the long run. And it doesnt help having absolutely no family support over here at all as well. I just feel so run down and crappy And i know you guys will be able to understand. Most people dont.

Sorry to whinge, but i just dont know what to do. I've stopeed letting him come around, the only time he gets to come in is when we've prearranged it, and only for the kids. (Like if he wants to come and put them to bed at night, thats fine with me, but as long as he doesnt try tostart "discussing" anything, and he leaves straight away. This is harder then i ever could have imagined, but i like to thinkimdoing pretty well - after all, i havent gone back to him (and its definitely not likely - he's even agred to a divorce!!)

Thanks for listening girls

[Lilly-Pilly]

Simone, it is hard, very hard I know, and what you say about having no family around, I know that part too well.

The best and only solution is to go to legal aide and have proper papers drawn up. You dont have to disucss anything with your ex and its all free. without anything legal in place he and you can both do anyting and theres no way to stop it.

I noticed in the W'bool meet up thread at one point you mentioned bringing your ex if you were getting along well. My suggestion is have NOTHING to do with him. Let him see the kids, thats fine, but there is no point trying to play happy families in front of the kids and thinking that if you guys get along for a few days you can still be friends.

You'll probably find things wont settle down for a while, and it may get harder. You really should see a lawyer asap

[simone]

That post in the warrnambool thread was last week, this week was when i made the decision to cut him out of my life (not the kids). I'm going to see a lawyer next week, so hopefully wil be able to sort some stuff out then.

[Lilly-Pilly]

Good plan simone, its so much easier having a lawyer do it than trying to work out an agreement with ex partner.

Its hard when you feel like your hurting the kids but in the end they will and do get used to the new situation where mummy and daddy aren't together. I know that Ashlea is much happier with seperated parents than she would be if we were still together and unhappy and arguing.

[mygipsyfeet]

Hello all,
Its great to hear such positive stories. I'm four months pregnant as of today and just left my partner (father of the child) after discovering he had a secret s*x life with who knows how many other women. Its all a bit daunting as I had left my job, apartment, and old life to move across the country where he was so we could start our family.
I have now had to move back home to qld with my own family and finding the whole transition of being pregnant and being a single mum a bit hard to deal with.
Has anyone out there been in a similar position or could offer some advice? I would love some support!

[Lilly-Pilly]

Hi there gipsy feet, welcome to BB, and welcome to the single parents group here And congratulations on your pregnancy!

It always is very daunting to be in a situation like yours, I was with my DD's dad until she was 15 months old before i asked him to leave and i was a mess trying to figure out if i could really do this on my own, afford it and everything. Turns out i could do it and afford to live and i haven't been happier since!

Being a single mum hasn't stopped me doing anything yet, I've worked part time on and off since having DD 5 years ago, took a year out to study and become a massage therapist, moved around a bit, I live on my own with DD and have so for the past three years, travelled to QLD 4 times already and now I'm starting my new job tomorrow cause my DD has started school now!

You'll get lots of support here on BB, and it sounds like your family are also around to give you support too which is great!

[mygipsyfeet]

Hi Dee,
Thanks so much, you're story is pretty inspiring! How was your first day at your new job?
I have done some massage study as well and would like to go back and become fully qualified sometime soon.
Today I managed to clear up some of the secrets behind my ex's secret affairs and while it hurts a lot it also helps me move on in some way.
What I would like to know is what rights do I have in whether or not the father is involved in my baby's life?

[Melly01]

Hello mygipsyfeet, Congratulations on the pregnancy, and sorry to hear about your situation, but I guess it's better in a way to get it sorted before your beautiful baby comes along, and at least you have a lot of support, which is great.

I left DS's dad when DS was 8months old, or there abouts, but it had been on and off for about 6 months before that (and was even deteriorating before DS was born). I too had to move back to my family, after moving to a country town to be with ex and quitting my job (it wasn't a great job, but it was a job), so I can kind of understand how you feel in that respect.

I completed a bridging course in the last half of last year to get in to uni, and am now doing Bachelor of Early Childhood Education. I am struggling a bit with keeping on top of everything, and feel bad for living with my mother, especially after ex told her I would never be capable of looking after myself (which is complete bull that he probably said just to upset her) But I think I have come a long way from who I used to be and I attribute a lot of that to wanting to be a better person for DS's sake.

I do not know what rights you have in regards of the fathers involvement in the baby's life. I am wondering that myself. But I am trying to be accommodating and ex has only been able to see DS once in the past 8 months, due to his own choices. I just worry a lot about the future and what might happen. Especially when ex threatens that he will have DS taken away from me and use the fact that I used to be depressed against me.

Sorry, I have made this more like an essay than a post, maybe that is a side effect from uni

All the best,

[Lilly-Pilly]

hey mygipsyfeet, first day was great, but god i was exhaused by the end!
I worked 9 - 6 Monday and 10 - 9 yeaterday. I'm going in today from 10 - 2 which is actually my day off but i get paid overtime for today, then tomorrow from 9.30 - 3. Its such physical work and I've been flat out most of the time so its taking a bit of getting used to, but i'm really enjoying it.

You'd be best to make an app to see a lawyer or legal aide just to get an accurate idea about where you stand with custody and stuff with the baby's dad. They'll let you know the best way to handle it all.

Hope the pregnancy is going well!!

Melinda, sounds like everything is going well for you and Logan. Moving back with family doesn't mean you can't cope on your oen at all, it just means you are asking for a bit of help so you can do whats best for you and your little man, which is studying to make a future for your and Logan!

[kerry]

Hi Gypsy, welcome and congratulations on the pg. Sorry things with the X are so horrid, it really is the worst thing to be dealing with when pg.

Ok my story, X and I seperated when I was about 3 months pg, reconciled when I was emotionally unballanced and 7 1/2 months pg... we stayed together until our DD was 9 months old when I packed his bags for him. We had issues ranging from drunken violent outbursts (usually verbal violence and not physical), emotional and psychological abuse, and also his son hurting out baby and me. Then there was the pokies problem as well. In the end I just couldn't do it anymore and I didn't want my dd to grow up thinking that our relationship was normal and repeating the cycle.

Luckily for me we seperated on 'friendly' terms and he sees our DD a few times a week. At the moment he does not have un-supervised access when he ahs his son, nor does he have her overnight (14mths). He has had her a few times during the day while I work but he isn't all that keen on it as "its impossible to get anything done".

I am pretty sure that it is 'the right of the child to see both parents, not the parents right" and that is what is considered first.

During my pg I was living at home with my parents from when my X and I first seperated until I was about 7 months pg. It was hard and I was so happy to get my own place.

I work part time now (2 days a week) and manage to pay all the bills, feed and clothe us and have a pretty good life with a beautiful little girl.

[kerry]

OK had to just pop in and wish you all a VERY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I wish I had pm.... Dee if you get the chance could you email me on jmcarey76@hotmail.com