To Smack or Not To Smack (Children 2 y.o.+)

[RhiChiChi]

I didn't originally vote on this b/c DD was just a newborn. However, I voted 'I have smacked my children in the past but I don't anymore' as in I used to tap my DD on the hand (when she was younger) but I don't anymore. I use 1,2,3 (three chances for her to change her behaviour then a consequence such as time out or fav. toy taken off her) or time out (time in didn't work for us.. maybe it was my method??)

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Well, I posted earlier. But it isn't an issue. And DS thinks that grabbing people's backsides is a great game given the reactions he gets (darn you DH for teaching him that one!) so a tap on the bottom is done in love, rather than as discipine.

Never smacked, just used sweet reason, time in and got DS to apologise. If he's too stubborn and it's a major issue, then time out until he will apologise. Also taught him to stop at roads at a young age so my above example of running in front of a car isn't applicable.

[AnyDream]

Well I can't vote because there isn't an option that says "I have very occasionally smacked as a highly unusual event but I don't support widespread smacking because there are far more effective techniques"

I think your option about frustration probably oversimplifies what is a fairly complex set of motivations when an anti-smacking parent does occasionally smack.

[BellyBelly]

Did you see how long ago this thread was started?

[AnyDream]

That's a bit cheeky Kelly - weren't you the one who bumped it?

[BellyBelly]

Yeah I couldnt edit the answers now. I have re-written the BB article on smacking so was checking out what we had in the forums.

[~Kaz~]

I haven't smacked DS ever and neither has DP. Of course I can never say never but I plan to never smack him. I just don't think it works. Prior to having him we talked about it and both came to the conclusion that if we used smacking, it would be saved for the really important stuff where safety and life was at risk (like running out onto a road etc) but I was much less comfortable with even that. Since DS is a reality and is into the 2-3 age of independence I think we've both become even more definite in our anti-smacking stance for DS. I just don't think it's necessary. I would rather yell (and do sometimes, to my shame and disappointment) even though I consider yelling to be mildly harmful too (depending on what you're saying and the tone etc). I tend to walk away from DS (in anger) but even that I'm not comfortable with as I see it as a withdrawal of love/attention and I believe he acts out/misbehaves when he most needs attention/support/love etc. I am working on this in myself atm

I work with violent men in a professional sense.There is a lot of research out there to show that using violence/pain to teach a lesson doesn't work. Punishment does not work. It might temporarily stop the behaviour in question but it doesn't resolve the issue underneath that caused the behaviour and it merely makes people (and children) more determined not to get caught next time. It also teaches children that if they are bigger or stronger than the other person, then violence is an acceptable way to solve problems or resolve interpersonal conflicts. When people or children are victims of violence, it just creates a huge amount of negative emotion which is not conducive to learning at all. So the reason the smack happened in the first place can get lost.

I hate violence and I hate how readily condoned it is in society, the community, popular culture etc. Since having DS I have become more and more uncomfortable with the societal norm that it's ok to hit children, in the name of love but that same behaviour towards an adult is considered a crime (even when the perpetrator claims to have done it out of love etc). We don't accept domestic violence between adults but we do accept it towards children (to a certain extent and until it crosses some arbitrary line where after we decide it has caused harm). All violence is harmful IMO and I find it a double standard that DV among adults is generally something that is hidden, shameful, wrong but children can and will be hit, and often in public which makes the shame and embarrassment for them even worse. (I do think it's on a continuum though so I'm not trying to say that a single "light" smack on the bum has the same effect as a full blown and heavy handed assault, but having said that it does depend on the temperament of the child and the nature of the total relationship between the parent and the child at other times, there are lots of factors and judgements of harm are really subjective I know).

I don't mean any disrespect to other parents who hold different views or do things differently in their families but I do have strong feelings about this and I think that if hitting/smacking a child is a parent's response to misbehaviour, then maybe it's because they don't know any better or didn't get the skills from their own childhood etc. So I guess I'm trying to say it's the behaviour I hate, not the parent and I feel for parents as well as the child when I witness public smacking because I wish they had more skills or strategies or self control etc.