Something serious - what should I do?

[~Ash~]

When DF left for work this morning our neighbour was out on the street and said she just saw a little kid in just a nappy run down the street by itself and around the corner.

So DF went the way she said and found a little boy all alone, he thinks he was about 2, so stopped and had a chat to him about where he lives (which wasn't very successful) and then popped the boy in the car and started playing a game of spot your house as they drove back past our house.

Eventually the kid yelled 'there's my house' so DF stopped and there was a guy standing on the driveway who came and got the kid in a cranky way and said thanks to DF and off they went. DF says the kid would have run about 1km and the guy wasn't on the driveway when the neighbour told DF about the boy.

I'm really worried that this has happened - and that the guy was blaming the kid for it.

I've told DF that I don't think he should have put him in the car - and walked back with him instead. I'm so glad the guy didn't see the boy in the car and freak out at DF about it.

Should we report it or anything like that?

What would we have done if he didn't know where he lived?

I feel like we should be doing something about it and not just let it go now that the boy is home again. Am I just being hormonal?


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[Floweryfields]

Yes I think given the man wasn't apologetic or frantic you probably should report it.

[Bloom]

Oh how scary for you and your DF to have that happen.

I think you are right - DF shouldn't have put him in the car but better to do that than nothing.

I also think you should report it to DOCS or something. Probably nothing will be done, but better to tell authorities - just in case there are other instances. If it was a one off mistake then, that's okay, but scary and sad if it regularly happens.

Maybe you could also pop in and try to see the mum and say you are "just checking if the little boy is alright after his adventure".

Re the Dad's reaction, perhaps maybe he was just trying to keep it together and was actually really upset inside? Long shot I know, but it is not always easy to know for sure what someone is feeling.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

My brother at the same age would just disappear within minutes of being left alone in a room. I remember spending hours looking for him. Nothing my parents did kept him from running away. They resorted to bolting his window shut as he would escape from there. Sometimes he was like houdini and get out no matter what they did. So by saying that after a while instead of being frantic the parents would be annoyed at the child.

I think if it is really worrying you both that you go and speak with the parents and explain your worries and concerns. Who knows they may appreciate having neighbours watching out for him. My DD has gotten out the front of the house, hell she spent half an hour out the front without a nappy on playing in the neighbours garden, me and my dp arent bad parents we just made one mistake. Id hate for a neighbour to call the authorities over one incident IYKWIM?

I think if its a regular thing, and you suspect abuse or neglect then call someone but for now give the parents the benefit of the doubt.

[Trillian]

maybe you could give them the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe the little fella is just a houdini escape artist? I know several members on here who had kids like that who would be out the door like a shot if if wasn't double bolted and they would be horrified to think that the consensus here is to report to DOCS!!! maybe the father seemd a bit cranky because he was worried and upset and his immediate first reaction was to seem cranky? We're looking at this family from a mere snapshot - we don't know whats going on for them. maybe Dad was home because Mum was sick, or they had other sick kids or they've had a new baby or maybe the kid is just a bolter! If it was something I was seeing all the time and the child looked in a bad way, then yes, maybe there is a bigger issue there that does need dealing with.

I think we should all put ourselves in their shoes and think would WE like some stranger to report us to DOCs for a parenting fail? We all have cruddy moments like that and I think it's appalling that we're quick to say that about other people and immediately assume the worst, but we never go so far as to put the shoe on the other foot do we?

[Floweryfields]

Yes Trillian I think you are actually right - I would do what others suggested, go to the home during the day and talk to the mum - maybe with the idea that you wanted to apologise for your DF putting the child in the car and see what her reaction is. You might get a better sense of what is happening in the home that way.

[~Ash~]

Thanks for the replies ladies.

I think your right about not jumping the gun. We have lived here since before that boy would have been born and it hasn't happened before that I know of. So I'll keep my hormonal reaction in check for now lol

I'll talk to DF this afternoon and we might take a wonder down to see if everything is ok.


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[Miss.September]

My thoughts are that they have an escape artist too. My girlfriend's little boy (he's 3) is the same. He scales six foot fences! They try to watch him all the time, but sometimes he does get away from them (like he'll look like he goes inside, then sneaks out through another door and jump the fence). They too have had him brought home by someone in a car, and they're always terribly embarrassed.

[Maruschke]

I'm not sure I personally would go back to the house... it might be seen as a bit aggressive / antagonist / judgmental to check if this child is ok. Just a thought...

If a random stranger turned up at my doorstep just wondering if I was doing ok with my daughter, it would be very weird, and not very welcomed.

[peanutter]

I probably would actually report it - because it is just a snapshot, and you don't know whether it's a common thing or a once off ... if it's a once off, the police/DOCS will treat it as such. But if you're the tenth person to let them know it's happened, then they will know that too.

If the child was a whole k away from home, and they were nappy aged, that's a big *big* BIG worry in my book ... they weren't popping over to the neighbour's, they weren't running across to the park over the road - they were somewhere where assumedly they had needed to cross roads, go past lots of people's houses, etc ... frankly, that's incredibly dangerous, and no one else had taken him home.

Older kids get kidnapped on their way to school, kids get hit by cars and killed ... reporting is about taking a step to help ensure the safety of the child - not a sanction to parents for a (possibly very understandable) parenting fail.

The other reason is because the parents might have no idea of the extent of what was actually going on ... how far away they got, maybe even how often it is happening, etc ...

I think I would report it.


As far as the car bit goes, I don't think I would have put them in my car. Both because I might be worried I might scare the child, also because of what might happen at the other end (!) and also because I wouldn't want the child to think that in general, strangers getting you to go into their car is a good, safe thing to do ... although your DF was lovely and got them home safely, if (heaven forbid) the next person to come across the child on the street all alone was not an honourable person, I wouldn't want the child to immediately think it's ok for them to get in the car, expecting to be brought back home ...

And as for going to their house, I *might* do that, if I had a bit of a sense of the people, and I was confident that I could do it in a way that wouldn't come across as judgmental/nosy/etc ... and as long as I was willing to provide assistance and support, if it was asked for, ITMS. That might seem selfish, but if someone saw a need I had and came asking if I was ok, and then I opened up and shared thta actually I was having a really hard time, with my Houdini and whatever else is going on, and then this stranger wasn't actually able to help me, that might feel rough!

I'm very glad that the child is safe, and I understand and respect the other posts and the reasoning behind them, but I feel (and would therefore act) differently.

[Phteven]

I think you should report it.

Chances are the child is just an escape artist. If it is a one-off then no harm will come of it, DOCS will not remove a child on the strength of a single report. Whilst being flagged by DOCS would certainly be annoying and humiliating I can't help but to think of an awful case in QLD a few years ago and the way that in the aftermath a lot of neighbours mentioned that the children had been seen wandering the streets. Maybe if people had reported those children lives might have been saved.
You've been placed in a really uncomfortable situation - either way you will second guess your choice.

[teamalchin]

Sorry I would report it thats why DOCs are there.
I personally would not drop by & ask how the boy was doing.
I should of reported something early this year & regret not doing so every time I see the house.
If you dont feel its a matter for DOCs maybe just the local police beat - My HUsband when he was little used dispappear on his parents - a little arranged trip from the local police put a stop to it straight away.

[Jennifer13]

Just wanted to defend your DH as to putting him in the car. It would have been a big ask for a little guy to keep walking and walking while he tried to find his house! I'd have been thinking it's more likely I'd have had to take the child to the police station and wandering around with a toddler who is a bit vague doesn't sound helpful. Sure, if you know where he lives, but he didn't.

Also, as far as the toddler thinking it's okay to get in someone's car - he already does! He's only little. That's his parents' responsibility to teach, not your DH's.

If it happens again, I'd only suggest he comes and gets you as well before returning him. That should alleviate concerns. But heaven forbid it does!

[Trillian]

I can't help but wonder though, if instead of Ash posting her version of events and getting her side, we had the other side of the story and someone posting how absolutely beside themselves they are because she was in the shower and her DH was on the phone (or something) and their toddler got out of the house and escaped but someone brought him back home and now DH feels awful because he seemed a bit cranky to the person but OMG I'm just so glad he's OK.

Would you say to that person "I think you should be reported to DOCS for letting that happen"? I don't think so. We'd all understand how things like this can happen so quickly and so easily. There have been more than a few well regarded BB members who have had children escape and often they have posted about how awful it was.

For all we know somewhere out there in forum land this family has posted about what happened and I'm sure they would be getting loads of "OMG that would have been so scary for you, so glad he's OK" type responses. Just as we would do for anyone here. And then what if their thread got an update with "I feel sick - someone reported us to DOCS because of what happened the other day and now they are wanting to come around and interview us. It was just something that happened, and now they are going to put us through the wringer and make us out to be bad parents."

This type of thing really does happen and while yes, I do understand that the little boy was a long way from home (in toddler terms) they can get away so quickly and go faster than you think they can. Hell, I live on a farm and I've found my kids wandering down our nearly 1km driveway and sometimes even all the way to the front gate and it doesn't take all that long for them to get that far, especially if you spent time searching the rest of the house and yard for them first! I know there have been times when we say "if only someone said something", but is this one of those times? Probably not. if I saw this child doing it time and time again, then yes. But once? No.

[Beatrix]

I wouldn't report it not until i had done a check on the parents, maybe pop in as others have suggested The parent was prob mortified about what happened and it came across of cranky.

I hate the whole docs thing I know it has it purpose but one escaping incident isn't it.

this forum goes on about who is in your village yet we seem so quick to report rather then help create that village.

[Phteven]

Would you say to that person "I think you should be reported to DOCS for letting that happen"? I don't think so. We'd all understand how things like this can happen so quickly and so easily. There have been more than a few well regarded BB members who have had children escape and often they have posted about how awful it was.

If that person posted to say "OMG someone reported me to DOCS because....." I would probably say that I get that it's embarrassing and horrible but that the person who reported them acted out of compassion for their child.

And if the member wasn't searching frantically for their missing child my eyebrow would be raised just a little.

Personally the way my children scream like they're being killed if I make them do something against their will I'm totally expecting a visit from DOCS or the police one day.

[~Ash~]

I can see the point of view of both sides. I think I'll wait and talk to DF tonight about what to do - after all he was the one that was actually there.

I would hate to have the guilt of ''if only I had of reported it", but I also hate the idea of judging these parents without knowing them at all.


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[Jennifer13]

I think you can get a gut feeling from ppl and you should act on that. Worst case scenario from reporting it is that you offend someone you don't know. If they approach you, you can talk to them and apologise if you need to.

Worst case scenario from not reporting it is a lot more scary than that...

I really wish someone had've worried less about offending my parents when we were kids and worried more about us. And we were a lot older and more able than a toddler. Your intuition is there for a reason, don't disregard it.