Sorting out guardians for children in event of death (not something I

[triple_ess]

My partner and I have recently been pulling our hair out fighting over who we think are suitable guardians for our children in event of our deaths. Naturally we both think our own parents/families are more suitable than the others, however my partner decided to take it upon himself and 'already sorted it out' with his parents!! He told me he has already told his parents they'll get the girls because they're more suitable. He even went to his sister and ask her if she would take on our children in the event his parents died! I feel so angry towards him for not even discussing it with me first. He says it matter-of-factly that its the most logical choice as my parents are 'unstable' and his aren't.
To be honest, my parents are divorced (his aren't) and both remarried and my father works overseas, but there is no doubt in my mind they would both drop everything and work as a team to bring the girls up. I just feel absolutely gutted he thinks my family aren't even close to a second option!!
I also feel upset that he didn't sit down with me and talk about it first. I don't know what to do. I don't feel his parents are any better than mine. My mother doesn't work and already looks after my children 2 days a week so it wouldn't be much for her to take them on, and his parents work full time and would have to put the girls in care.
Anyone have any similar situations they could relate and give advice on? Thanks!

[surprised]

That's a tricky one. Not cool that he did it without talking to you. Although in saying that, is it actually written in a will anywhere?

No idea how you would go about negotiating. I guess at the end of the day it has to come down to what would be best for the girls, which can come down to things like house setup, location, whether they could remain at their school etc etc. could you write a list of these things to give a more objective look at it all?

Also just wanted to point out your user name appears to be your real name and is doesn't give you much privacy - you might want to change it? Some BB threads can be read by non-members and show up in Google searches.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Not cool.

I am against using our parents as guardians: they are old and likely to die before us. Plus dh's parents don't really care about us and mine are a bit nuts.

As we both had objections to each other's siblings, we asked a friend. Then when DH agreed my sibling and OH were better than his, we picked my family. Even knowing that would involve my parents and his would not see Liebling again as they would not put in the effort (sibling would, but distance would make it hard).

He can ask who he likes, but if it ain't on paper it means squat.

[AnyDream]

OK, I see two different issues here, and the guardianship itself is only one of them.

The other issue is that there is a big difference of opinion here, and you and your partner don't have an established method of resolving it. It's not ok (in my opinion) that he went ahead and talked to his family without reaching agreement with you first. BUT he may think that because he told you he thought his parents were better that meant you'd discussed it (that's what happens in our house). Maybe talking about the way you talk, agree, and disagree will help clear up whether there was a misunderstanding or whether he has just ignored your opinion. In any case, you need to discuss how you and he are going to proceed in situations where you both disagree strongly.

Re the guardianship - I think you should sit down and list fully what the pro's and con's for each set of parents are - and include all the little details. There may be some reasons why each of you don't want the kids to go to the other parents - but you're being too diplomatic to say it. In this case you need to be honest. Things like "your parent's house smells' or 'I trust your mum/dad but I'm not sure about the new wife/husband' are all valid and need to be taken into consideration. But at the end of the day, what is most important is that there is someone who will love your children unconditionally.

[Astrid]

Went though something similar with DH. Has adamant his mother would be guardian, he was such a mummy's boy and he had his mother and her parenting on a pedestal. I wanted a friends who were closer to our age to be guardian.

Eventually he came around to the idea. I really promoted the idea that Grandma should stay Grandma and that she can be still very involved in the girls lives. I think the role of grandparent is important and more so with the loss of parents. Also his mother had been ill with bowel cancer and I think he began to see that maybe she was not the best choice. He has spoken to her about out choice of guardian and why we have chosen her and her family (she is a BB member so wont say too much ). Thankfully she understands (well she did at the time, she is going a tad dotty so hopefully does not forget)

[emmalee86]

Legally speaking, you have to appoint a guardian of your children, this is usually done in your Will. The appointed guardian is not always the carer of the child.. The guardian is just responsible for making important decisions relating to the child, where as the carer makes all day to day decisions..
You could very well appoint your mother and your DH mother as the "guardians" but the actual carer of your children is another matter.. A lot of the time families cannot agree who the children go to and it goes to the courts and the carers are court appointed based on the child's best interests..
Even if you were to appoint guardians/carers, it is usually easily contested in the courts and what your wishes are have little relevance because the court will always rule in favour of the child's best interests..
I have seen so many cases of this happen, both privately and professionally.. (This is what I do for work)

[lee_bee]

Apart from the fact that you feel the issue wasn't resolved before he spoke to his family, have you thought of any other option besides grandparents? Hubby and I made the guardianship decision based on who we thought would raise our children most like we would. Which in the end is my sister & her hubby. I have one sister, he has two brothers. Both our parents are still together, but we didn't want to send the kids there lol, we were there once, and both decided we couldn't do it again haha!

[little_O]

DH and I couldn't decide on this either. In the end we have put down all 4 parents as guardians. That way depending on when the time comes, either may be in different circumstances and so they can make the decision when worst happens.

We are fortunate though that we both parents get along and I am sure they will make the right choice for our children.