The sperm donor is back in town

[Tanya]

Alecia hasn't seen her father in about 8 years and the last time she saw him she wasn't really all htat interested. He has never had much to do with her at all.
Well now he is back in town and staying at his parents place (Alecia regularly visits them). Alecia hhad recently told me she would like to meet him... now htta he is in town I am having reservations about the whole thing!
He is working at his parents petrol station and one of my good friends pulled up for fuel and asked him where he has been and what he has been doing, his reply... "I just got out of Jail in Queensland". Well That is great!
My mum had Alecia in the car when she went to get petrol and asked him what he's been doing and he said he's been living on the beach in QLD... now what do you believe??

Alecia is all excited that he is in town and that she might get to meet him... well I am not sure I could take it!

I am not sure why I am posting this but I think I need some reassurance... I dunno



Tanya

[kelly2202]

Tanya

I am actually quite lucky in that Em & Jack's Dad is still around and sees them every holidays but thought about what I would do if I was in your situation. Please do not see this as an attack on you ... that is as far from the truth as possible. I do want to comvey, with honesty, my feelings about the situation.

To be honest Alecia is old enough to make the decision on her own about if she wants to see him or not but along with that goes the ability to form her own opinions of her Dad. She should be allowed to ask him why he hasn't been around and to tell him how it has made her feel. His responses to her questions will be enough for her to form her own opinions and as much as it might hurt you to think about it she may just want to get to know her Dad.

The one thing I have had made myself do since splitting up with my XH is to make sure that I have never imposed my opinions about him on to the kids. I have never bad mouthed him in front of the kids (not saying that you have) and I have always listened to how they feel about it. I used to make everything fluffy and nice but now I do not hold back the truth, I tell the kids how it is, if he can't see them because he has to see his G/F then I tell them. They both know he is Perth every weekend but he doesn't see them every weekend, not that I would let him but I am happy to do every second weekend. That used to upset Emma (who is almost 10) but then one day she said that it was his problem not hers and she would see him in the holidays. Not the way that I would deal with this situation if it was reversed, as I would want to see the kids whenever I had the opportunity!

Maybe you need to sit down with Alecia and talk to her about your feelings and how anxious you are feeling about it but explain to her why ... you are scared he will end up hurting her emotionally, she will choose to live with him or whatever your anxiety is about. Be 100% honest with her and let her know that you are wiling to listen to anything she needs to talk about in regards to her father. You might not like what you hear but you really do need to let her work out just what he is like on her own. She needs to know that no matter what she is feeling or wants to say that you will listen and not pass judegment on what she says. It will hurt you, I know I have been there and have cried a river over some of my XH's actions towards my kids but I have made sure they know that theya re loved by me unconditionally and that they can talk to me without fear of me getting upset.

Wow this post turned out longer than I thought it would. I hope you don't take this post the wrong way, I just think that sometimes when soemone else posts this stuff it makes it easier to work through in your own mind. Good luck Tanya, I am thinking of you going through this situation and realise that I am extremely lucky and have not had to go through this. please keep us up to date and let us know how things progress. I hope that all goes well and that no one is upset by whatever the outcome might be.

Hugs to you both ... you need them right now by the sounds of things.

Cheers

[Tigergirl1980]

I think it's a good idea to tell Alecia your reservations but maybe still let her see him in a supervised visit, either by his parents or by yourself. He sounds like a lying low life but I think if you tell her that she might resent you instead of him, atleast if she gets to meet him and she sees what he's really like she can make her own decision about never seeing him again. That's exactly what happened with me and my father.

[Tanya]

Thanx girls

I think with Alecia being only 13 she will think what ever she like about him whether his is a numb skull or not. Being very impressionable and alway feeling like she was different because she never had a father I think no matter what he does or says she will like him.

There would be no chance of her wanting to live with him...

I don't speek bad about him... I have warned her he is no pillar of society and he lies a lot to make himself better off.

I am not sure she is old enough to make her own decisions about such things... I think she is blinded by the whole "wow I realy do have a dad". Not that I am about to stop her from meeting him. But I think she still needs a lot of protection in this situation.

This is hard to write down, but I was thinking the other day it would be so much easier if I just never know who knocked me up in the first place... or if I just told everyone I didn't know who the father was. The point is he isn't her father! Fathers don't behave in such a manner... My definition of a father is someone who loves you, protects you, spends time with you... you get my drift.

Why does he have rights to hold a place in my daughters mind and even her heart!? Because I had unprotected sex with him when I was 14?

I am going on a tangent... I am just all worried and confused trying to get to the bottom of my feelings... It's hard!

Tanya

[kelly2202]

Tanya

I can't say that I understand your feelings but I wanted to let you know that everything you feel is valid.

I wish I had some better words to give you comfort but having not been through the situation I don't. All I can do is "listen" to you and offer you a sounding bard for you to work through your feelings about the situation.

The point is he isn't her father! Fathers don't behave in such a manner... My definition of a father is someone who loves you, protects you, spends time with you

I so totally agree with you and I am so very lucky that my kids do have the biological father and a step father who does all of these things for them.

It may take some time but from what you have told us about Alecia, I do honesetly think she will quickly learn what he is really like, especially if he lets her down. She will soon learn who really loves her and who will support her through everything she will face in life. The sad part is that you will be the one who goes through the heartache of picking up the pieces when he does let her down.

Good luck to you and hugs to you all ... you sound like you need them.

Cheers

[Tanya]

Thanx Kelly ... You know now I am going to sook to you about the whole thing ...lol.
I know I have to let her meet him. I don't know if I want to be there with them tho... I think he will make me feel sick... but them I want to warn him! LIE TO MY DAUGHTER AND YOU BALLS WILL BE SHOVED DOWN YOUR THOAT!

lol

Anyway
Thanx again for listening

Tanya

[kelly2202]

LMAO Tanya, you tell him!!!!

Sook away, I have had my fair share of sooking times about my XH and his apparent lack of regard for the kids. I complain but for the most part he is doing okay. Some of his choices I do question but it is his life to lead and I have slowly but surely realised he is making or breaking the relationship he has with the kids on his own. I am there to listen when my kids need to talk and I don't hold back how I feel about him but I certainly don't steer them one way or the other, he can do it all on his own!

Cheers

[kelly2202]

Hi Tanya

Just wanted to check in and see if anything had come of the situation?

I am so busy with family here and dropping DH off at work so I can use the car and everyone can get around ... it is madness!

Issues with XH about Christmas presents and the like but nothing that can't be sorted with a short sharp word LOL.

Hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon.

Cheers

[Tanya]

Hey Kelly...
I have been meaning to drop in and let you know what has happend.

Well he disappeard from his parents, didn't even say goodbuy to them. He moved in with a woman in a neighbouring town (i know her and she is a skank) she is still a user (drugs) and apparently things between him and this chick are shakey at best. They have moved back to my home town and I heard that she might be pg (they have only been together a couple of months) haven't heard if it was true.

I've heard heaps more crap but don't want to bore you with it.

Alecia doesn't want to meet him anymore, she has been put off by the truth. I told her what to expect, and I told her even his parents don't want her to meet him. So hopefully she will wait another few years!!

Tanya

[Trillian]

Tanya, you must be both relieved and proud of Alecia. I think she has shown a lot of maturity in making her decision about her father. Instead of rebelling against what everyone has told her about him, she has obviously taken it in and made her choice wisely (and no doubt this is of much relief to you Tanya). When she is older she will be better equiped emotionally to deal with a 'relationship' with him.

[Tanya]

Thanks Sherie, I am extremely relieved!

Tanya