Surrogate~ what would you do?

[peanutter]

You need to get counselling - by yourself, with your husband, and with both couples.

You need to get legal advice.

You need to know what say they intend to have over the process and the pregnancy and the birth. Will they expect to have a say over what you eat? What you do? How much you exercise? Whether you travel? Who is at the birth? Who is at ultrasounds? What you tell your kids about it? Where you birth? How you birth? I'm sure they're lovely and perfectly reasonable people, who love and care about you and will be unbelievably grateful forever - but with MY baby, I know that I had a lot of opinions about what should and shouldn't be consumed, what risks were and weren't acceptable, which tests were and weren't acceptable, what Dr I wanted, what medicines ... it was sometimes hard enough agreeing with the Dr and my husband - let alone having two more people to consider.

Will there be any jealousy? Either from your husband, your kids, your brother and his partner (you will have an incredible bond with that baby, who (particularly if you're breastfeeding) will continue to think of you as being their mother for a very long time, I would imagine.

What about your husband ... if something goes wrong, if it's a difficult pregnancy, if there's a competing risk between you and the baby, etc - what does he get to choose? What does your brother get to choose? What does his partner get to choose? Who gets the biggest say?

Do you want more kids? When? Will this impact your options?

Do you know how many attempts they will want before giving up, if the IVF isn't successful after the first time?

What if there is a medical complication with the foetus, either such that the Drs raise the option of termination? What if the complication poses a risk to you? Who gets a vote in what happens? You? Your brother? Your other halves? What if it's simply that they want to do an amnio - who gets to decide?

How old are your kids? How involved with they be in the process? Do the 4 adults involved agree on that?

You need to know how your husband and children will feel with you going through a pregnancy (and all the ups and downs and risks and rewards that entails) for a baby who will not ultimately be part of your immediate family. You also have to think about what that would be like for you, and how you will be emotionally afterwards.

You have to be certain that you'll be ok having no say over that child once they go home with their parents. No say whatsoever - same as for any other niece or nephew - unless you have come to another agreement with your brother and his partner. Not a week later, not years later in the event of divorce or death or whatever.

Put to one side the impact of saying no. Take that out of the equation - it cannot be something you do because you don't want to say no.

This is all very heavy, heady stuff to consider - but you need to consider it. No one can say that your pregnancy will occur after one transfer, and will progress a similar way to your other pregnancies, the birth will go smoothly, you will be over the moon to hand the baby over, and have a room to yourself for a night, and then you'll go home to your family, and they will go home with the baby, and maybe you'll send over some EBM until you stop lactating, and you'll always just have a nice special bond with the baby.

You need to talk to some others who have done it for family members, to get an idea of what is actually involved.

Get some serious counselling from someone with experience in surrogacy.

Get some serious legal advice from someone with experience in surrogacy.

Talk to some people who have done it for family.

Get all three at the start of the decision making process, so you are pondering and talking and considering within a realistic framework.

This is a really big deal, and I would imagine it will take months to get yourself to a point of being anywhere near being able to make a decision.

[ladybirdflies]

THanks Peanutter... certainly a long road, I am glad he gave me two years notice!! I am not afraid of saying No, I want to know that looked at everything before we(hubby and I) have the answer. We both are booked to talk to someone about this, will enter the others in if it looks like a yes.