This time Im doing it. Really.

**Calluna** · December 10th, 2013, 09:21 AM

Yeah, its all a bit much right now. But I will do that. If I was any less determined comments like that would break me. So im sure it would for others too.
I wont let it go.

Out shopping this morning. After being in almost complete isolation for 6 days its kind of nerve wracking being back out in the community.

**Jewel** · December 10th, 2013, 01:42 PM

Bigggggggg hugs.

**~clover~** · December 10th, 2013, 03:00 PM

I was nervous & didn't sleep properly for months. Even when staying with my brother & SIL.

I'm fine now, but went back 12 months later to stay with his family & I slept very little even then :/ 12 months & I was terrified. Especially that first night.

**~clover~** · December 10th, 2013, 03:00 PM

Double post

**sepata** · December 16th, 2013, 09:21 AM

Thinking about you, hope you're doing well xx

**Calluna** · December 20th, 2013, 12:12 AM

Thanks girls. Doing ok. Mood is a bit funny. Up and down. Think now that the adrenaline has worn off its sent my emotions into overdrive.

I'm a much better parent now. DS is responding beautifully. He is listening, engaging, showing signs of trusting me and himself. His behaviour has improved dramatically. He understands what is expected of him and is seeing other people respecting me and backing me up and he is slowly reigning himself in. I am a thousand times more patient than I was. I havent yelled out smacked at all in 3 days, I haven't felt the need. Just reducing that stress has had a huge impact. I didnt realise just how much it was affecting me. Us.

**Beautiful Disaster** · December 20th, 2013, 05:22 AM

Thanks girls. Doing ok. Mood is a bit funny. Up and down. Think now that the adrenaline has worn off its sent my emotions into overdrive.

I'm a much better parent now. DS is responding beautifully. He is listening, engaging, showing signs of trusting me and himself. His behaviour has improved dramatically. He understands what is expected of him and is seeing other people respecting me and backing me up and he is slowly reigning himself in. I am a thousand times more patient than I was. I havent yelled out smacked at all in 3 days, I haven't felt the need. Just reducing that stress has had a huge impact. I didnt realise just how much it was affecting me. Us.

Great to hear hun been meaning to txt u

**xXHopeXx** · December 20th, 2013, 06:56 AM

Amazing to hear that hun xox it will only get better im praying

are you still at the shelter? Do you stay there for long?

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · December 20th, 2013, 07:27 AM

So happy to read you are doing well hun! Just Try to ride the emotions out and keep reminding yourself how far you've come when the seeds of doubt come knocking. You are doing amazingly

**Calluna** · December 20th, 2013, 08:24 AM

Yeah still at the refuge. I will be here for a few months. Taking advantage of the counselling and all the resources they are offering as we really need it. So will probably stay for majority of the time Im allowed.

**beansbeans!** · December 20th, 2013, 09:21 AM

So very happy to hear you are doing well Cal, and that you are taking advantage of all that these services are offering. Your future is looking so very bright my friend! x

**Calluna** · January 11th, 2014, 11:33 AM

Good feelings gone. I am so so low.
Everything was great until my Mum recieved a letter for me a couple of weeks ago. She asked me if I wanted her to send it to me. I asked her what it was thinking she would probably be able to tell from the envelope.she opened it and in it was my new concession card with the refuges PO box on it.
Centrelink screwed up. They got my postal address (the PO box) and my home address (my mums- as they require "something" in that field) the wrong way around.
This meant my mum now knew the town the refuge is in. She is not safe. If pressed she would give certain people (police/lawyers/etc) that information.
It was a breach of the refuges confidentiality and my safety.
I was forced to leave by circumstances that should have never come about.
I am devastated. Completely and utterly heartbroken. That place was my home. I was so happy there. Happier than I have been for as long as I can remember.
Now I am in a townhouse back in the suburbs. There are marks and holes in every wall, a family of mice in my living room, the floors make my feet black within 30 mins of showering. The house is so big its almost scary and its noisy. Creaking and everything makes noise.
The neighbors I havent really met yet although I've been here a week. Except one of the neighbors kids.
The other ladies were like family. So beautiful and caring and kind.

I cant deal with this. I hate it. I hate being here. I miss the staff and residents at the other place so much. I just want to go home to the other refuge.

They said they would still support me. They said they would still be there for me and to just call or email but I havent heard from them in 3 days. My old case worker said shed call me on thursday. But nothing. And I am sure they are just busy but I cant help but think they are just done with me. They have new clients to care about.
I feel nauseas constantly. I am eating, but I dont want to.
I want - need - to go home. And I cant. Centrelinks stuff up has made that impossible.

**MantaRay** · January 11th, 2014, 12:27 PM

to you honey. You are so strong and have come so far. You got through the hardest part. It sucks that this has happened but you will get through this too. Give your old case worker a call and have a chat. I'm sure just even talking to her will help

Also keep reminding yourself of how much more relaxed you have been feeling and how much better it is for the kids

You can do this. You will do this. You are an inspiration to so many other women and just an amazing example for your own children.

**~clover~** · January 11th, 2014, 01:11 PM

MR is right. You've come along way. Life is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. This is just a chance to prove that you can still come out on top, even stronger than before!

I'm gutted for you that this has happened, but life has a way of working itself out

and it will.

keep your chin up chick x

**2CheekyMonkeys** · January 11th, 2014, 04:50 PM

I have been a reader but not a poster in this thread so I hope you don't mind me writing. I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't believe they made you leave when it was centerlink who stuffed up!

I recommend you call your old case worker, I'm pretty sure they still have a duty of care for you especially if they are planning on keeping contact with you after your exit from their service. And more than that they would feel terrible that red tape caused you to leave early. If not do they have a phone counselling service you can utilize? I know kids helpline often prioritise calls from those who have been clients in other service programs they provide and can access your notes history if you allow it. They speak to anyone under 25 yrs.

Please seek help, there are plenty of people and services who want to try to help. Don't give up, it sounds like you have come so far!

**~*familyof3*~** · January 11th, 2014, 07:16 PM

Oh hun my hearts breaking for you. And what im about to say may not mean much now,it will later.
I was in a refuge with my 2 boys. I went there on my sons bday so i felt crushed. And like the place your in now i hated it! The homes were 2 bed homes and we had 2 women in each home. So i and my boys were in one room and another lady and jer kids had the other room we shared the kotchen bathroom and small tv room.
It was ok untill i was made to move one home down, the woman and her kids were so bad. They would hurt my boys steal our food as we had to share a fridge. So many times i wantes to just give up and go back.

But trust me the short term pain will be worth it. Dont let those kids come over if it helps. Find an outlet for yourself, mine was reading or watching a dvd. Call the other place tell them whats going on and how your feeling. thinking of you xx

**Calluna** · January 11th, 2014, 08:16 PM

2cm - it wasnt red tape. It meant it was unsafe. My mum could have passed the location on to my ex. Lucky I had changed my address to my mums house instead of his. Otherwise it would have gone straight to him!
I understand why I had to leave. It was for mine and everyone elses safety. Its just ****. And im so angry at centrwlink foe letting it happen. I understand human errors happen (a lot with them actually) but youd think they would be more careful when I have dv all over my file.

Thanks for the replies ladies.
I cant contact anyone until monday. Im still waiting for some organisations to reopen after christmas.
Almost took myself off to the after hours gp today. Not good. Will organise a proper gp appointment on mon.

**BlackCat** · January 11th, 2014, 08:25 PM

hang in there, it might not feel it now, but you are doing such a wonderful job in such awful circumstances. And you always have us to listen when you need an ear, I know its not the same, but it is something to hold onto when times get hard

Keep your chin up, you're doing well.