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Thread: WHEN??

  1. #1
    Ellibam Guest

    Default WHEN??

    at what point will i stop looking at my parents for all the answers and to make me feel like im doing everything right???

    this bothers me that i will always be looking to my parents and dh's parent for approval!!
    i would have thought by now i wouldn't be depending on them for so much!
    does this mean im not coping as a mum and wife???


  2. #2


    Oh, Ellissa, hugs to you!

    I must admit I started off married life with a rule: whatever happened, I was not going to ask my mum to bail me out. Nor will I turn to anyone but DH first (second is another matter).

    Did that stop us accepting my mum's old furniture she was going to throw out? No. Did it stop us asking my parents to underwrite the rental agreement for our first house because I was temping and we couldn't get a house otherwise? No. If I'm hurt and upset and poorly, my mum is still the second person I turn to (once DH has blown his chance of making me feel better). Does it stop me talking to MiL about silly things DH did with her and does with me - and things he's picked up from his dad? No - though that has stopped now, but for other reasons.

    Now the big question: does that mean I'm just friends with my parents and in-laws and don't need their approval? Absolutely not. Though I do have a relationship with my mum that's more friends than family a lot of the time, I still make sure I clean the house before parents or PiLs visit - more so than I do with friends. I just want them to be proud of me and see that I'm a grown-up too! I guess it's because I still feel young sometimes, like I'm just playing house. And I'd rather be feeling young than feeling old, decrepit and like my old in-laws! (Who act older than my 104yo late great-grandad ever did.)

    I do talk about parenting with my mum and have done with my MiL previously. Oddly enough, MiL has changed a lot of her views now her granddaughter is here to correspond to what SiL wants to do - I think she just wants to be "in" with the mummy crowd. My mum, it seems, was quite unfashionable in the 1980s and I had a "gentle" mother, so we both agree with that. Of course, reasoning with a 3yo was considered very odd then and she used to amaze everyone when it worked. She wasn't too good at boundaries though, or saying no when we were older, but at least we agree on how I want to raise my babies!

    Does all this mean I'm not coping? Not at all. I'd talk babies/parenting more with my girlfriends if (a) more of them had babies, (b) the ones with babies didn't all know my SiL quite well and (c) their babies weren't babies so there's no chance of them thinking I'm criticising them.

    You're not depending on them too much, you're able to listen to advice that's been given and use what you want to. That's a great skill and much qudos to you for not just ignoring what your mum/MiL says because it's them that's given the advice, IYSWIM.

    When one day, your daughters/DiLs turn to you for advice, even if they don't take it all, how will you feel? I would love that, so make sure I talk to my mum and used to talk to my MiL about things to make them feel included in my happy family when it's appropriate.

    Good luck to you!


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